oak trees

oak trees

here i am, in my new house.

but it doesn't feel right.  it doesn't feel like ours yet.  like we're on loan, could leave tomorrow.  everyone keeps saying that it'll come in time, that i'll get used to it, but i don't know.  how long is that supposed to take?

it's weird, not being home. this isn't home to me.  it's just a house, just wood and glass, and concrete and paint, but it has some other family's memories in it.  our memories are 2.2 miles away, in our old house. 

so what am i doing here?  i don't belong.  i'm stepping in on someone else's memory, sleeping in someone else's bedroom.  this isn't mine.

none of it is mine.

Tags: shakespearean sonnet, pomegranite seeds, mitzvot

down yonder

down yonder

i'm moving on tuesday.

i'm not changing schools, not leaving my friends, not leaving the state, not even changing phone numbers.  the new house is bigger and nicer than this one.

so why am i so scared?

i guess i get too attached to objects?  i always have issues whenever my mom gets a new car... but it's like, i sit in that thing for hours each week, shouldn't i like it?  and my house... i've lived in it my entire life.  it's just so weird to think of someone else living in it, sleeping it.  someone else using my closet or the sink in the bathroom.  someone else using our oven or sitting in our backyard. 

it's kind of surreal.  for some reason i keep thinking it's not going to happen.  like, we've packed our lives up in cardboard boxes, but something's going to fall through and we're not going to move after all.

but i guess i need to accept it soon. not that i really have a choice. 

Tags: cimmamon sugar, jam jars, alice in wonderland