If I could get some sleep tonight, then maybe I could make things right, and then I wouldn't be living with all your ghosts

If I could get some sleep tonight, then maybe I could make things right, and then I wouldn't be living with all your ghosts

I just watched "The Dark Knight Rises," and I've got this thing about superheroes, babe, that's hard to explain because I'm not sure I understand it myself.  Nolan's Batman trilogy has always terrified me--I remember crying for at least half of "The Dark Knight"--and that comes from, I think, how possible it all is, how these villains are people, just people until they get guns and followers and a voice, and then they've got power.  And isn't that so possible, and so, so terrifying?

I've been trying to read more, which is actually just rereading books and sleeping like shit.  I've been sleeping two or three hours at a time and waking up from terrible nightmares and I wish I could sleep in without feeling terribly guilty about it.  I'm wasting this time at home, I know I am.  I'm going to hate going back.

So tell me why we're talking when we dance so good

So tell me why we're talking when we dance so good

I like superhero movies because (I need to go to sleep because I have a headache but I want to write down this thought before I forget it) they deal with these big, huge, monumental problems, world-ending, life-or-death problems.  And the hero always wins.  Superhero movies allow you to forget about your little problems, the kind that have to do with the price of gas and test scores and text messages and whether or not you're completely wasting your life studying something that's not going to get you a job.  I'm at home and I'm slightly bored but mostly content to be completely isolated from basically everyone besides my family but kind of including them.  I've been watching too much tv and reading too much fanfiction but I've been writing a bit and I made a playlist and I read two chapters of a book and why do those things feel like huge accomplishments when they so obviously aren't?  I just want to listen to Wakey!Wakey! for hours and write fantastic things and not need to sleep.  

Baby it's like we're walking on a wire

Baby it's like we're walking on a wire

I'm home for break and I've already been to Target twice and driven to LA accidentally and seen a play and visited my dad's new car storage unit thing and listened to NEEDTOBREATHE and Bon Iver and Jack's Mannequin and Joe Jonas.  I keep going through these phases of my-mother-is-so-annoying-I-need-to-go-back-to-school-now to I'm-so-bored-I-need-to-go-back-to-school-now to why-are-you-waking-me-up-it's-so-early-and-I'm-not-at-school.

So here are some things I've accomplished:  an almost-done outline of my NaNoWriMo novel, two and a half episodes of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer," a pink-and-beige striped scarf.

Still to do:  read On the Road, read parts of Leviticus for hum, see "Ides of March," "50/50," "Footloose."

Making islands where no island should go

Making islands where no island should go

Emma and I just watched "Say Anything" and the scene where Lloyd teaches Diane to drive is one of my favorites because it reminds me of summer, not that that makes any sense.  Today I went to my hum conference leader's office, which is in the basement of the oldest building on campus, in this dark corner with a window that's basically ground level so you can see people's shoes walking by, and right now it's nearly midnight but the guy with the really loud voice who lives on my floor is out in the hall talking to someone and I'm not annoyed so much at how loud he's being but at how he's breaking quiet hour.  Like, go to bed, man.

Early this week I read at Poetry Night and it was terrifying and it made me think about how many writers are out there who are other things first, like doctors or teachers or whatever, and could possibly be geniuses with amazing things to say, but just never get the chance or maybe just never say it.

I just said something to them.  Was that rude?  I'm sorry if that was rude.  But they were talking about physics.  Isn't there a certain point each night where it becomes too late to talk about physics?  But maybe here there isn't.  People never stop talking here.  And most of it's interesting.  But I don't like biology.  I'm trying, really.  But I'm just not sure that I can.  

And on that note I'm going to talk to Michael for a few minutes and go to sleep and then wake up and begin my horrible 9-to-5 Friday.

I'm gonna kick until I need new shoes

I'm gonna kick until I need new shoes

Today my mom and I went to the Grove and saw "Cowboys and Aliens" (I nearly fell asleep, oh God I hate westerns) while my sister went to a pool party with her camp friends at this huge house in Beverly Hills.  I guess it's probably just personal taste, but I cannot understand why someone would choose to live in an area that is constantly crowded with traffic and tourists and just noise.

I really, really hate the word "lover."  It is old-fashioned and kind of creepy and doesn't have a lot of weight and I just don't like it.  And that thought makes me think about labels and how I really don't like them, and "lover" is really just an evasive label to avoid defining things, and every time I read I wish the writer had used a more concrete word instead.  But that's totally contradictory with how I feel about labels.

The best part of "Cowboys and Aliens" (my brain just can't stay in one place) was a glimpse I got of a speckly horse in the background.  Apparently it's called a pinto horse or possibly an appaloosa and it's gorgeous and if someday I marry a man who rides horses and we move to the country and he's really rich, I'm going to ask him to get me one and teach me to ride it.

Karen dit que Paris c'est grand

Karen dit que Paris c'est grand

What if I blogged every day in August, at least until I leave for school?  And I mean substantial posts.  With thoughts about things and more than just lists of daily activities.  So today is August 1st and it's the beginning of my last month at home and so it's the beginning on 23ish posts in a row.

I just finished watching a romcom called "Someone Like You" and it was adorable, like all romantic comedies are, but there always comes a point when I'm watching one of these movies where I have this sort of out-of-body experience where I realize that what's making me so happy, what I'm enjoying so much, is crap spewed out by Hollywood big wigs and Nicholas Sparks and whoever.  And I know that's really cynical, and I guess what I'm saying is that I really enjoy watching relationships develop in movies and novels and such because when you're living your life and forming bonds with people you don't realize you are until one day you look at who you're sitting next to, and suddenly think, how did I become friends with you?

That's how I've been looking at everything lately, and I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.  To clarify:  I'm studying everything and everyone and it all seems like something I could write about.  That's the object, isn't it, a really good story?  But the problem is that every time I think of something and begin to write it down, I realize I've seen it played out a million times in bad movies and poorly written novels.  Which begs the question:  if I rewrite Twilight, or the essence of it at least, changing the names and the vampire into a mermaid and whatnot, and if I write it well, as in really effing good, does that make it okay?  Or am I stealing someone's original idea?  Are any ideas really original?  I once had this quote on a post-it not stuck to my computer screen, something about how if you wanted to bake a totally original apple pie you'd have to go back and plant the first apple tree yourself, or something like that.

So everything is just a recycling of old ideas.  I guess my main question here is, if that's true, why are we wasting our time with crap?  Why do I watch so many bad movies and read so many crappy books when there is so much more out there?  Why do we default to what's easiest?  Why do you have to search really hard to find the good books at the bookstore, but the crappy bestsellers (not to generalize that all bestsellers are crappy, because they definitely aren't) are right at the front, on the buy-one-get-one-half-off table?  Why is the bookstore the most crowded when everything is 40% off because the store is closing?  That makes me really sad.  But that's not the point.

The point is:  I want to write a really good book.  But first I have to read and watch and listen and learn everything I can.  So should I be wasting my time with bad romcoms because they're easy to get, or should I work harder to find the good ones?  And more importantly, is there such a thing as a good romcom?  Who came up with that word in the first place?

Can I make it better with the lights turned on

Can I make it better with the lights turned on

It's 11:52 PM and I just watched a movie that I didn't like very much but it made me think, and I hate when movies do that.  I love thinking, really I do, but I wish it came as a result of things I enjoy.  Does that make any sense?  Probably not.  I've got my laptop on my lap and it's really warm because it's plugged in but I'm too lazy to go unplug the charger, because I refuse to unplug it from the laptop but leave it in the wall, because that's a waste of energy.  But is my getting up to unplug it a waste of energy too?  The things I waste time thinking about...

Today I went to the movies with Gabs and Gilles and then we went to Huntington Beach and had lunch and drove home down PCH with the windows down and the sunroof open, and I've never actually opened the sunroof before so that was a new experience.  I got home at 4 o'clock and I kind of immediately fell into this state of boredom.  I've been doing nothing all summer, just lazing around my house everyday and occasionally running errands, and then one day I'm out and when I get home I can't remember how I usually occupy my time.  It's so strange how easy we adjust to new things and forget the way things used to be.  Does that make any sense?  Probably not.

I really want to finish this post before midnight so the date is right.  I've been writing a lot lately, writing and editing and writing again.  But what I really should be doing is reading The Odyssey, and I know that and it's sitting there on my desk taunting me, but every time I look at it, I think, oh god the odyssey why.  And then I don't pick it up.  But eventually I'm going to run out of days where I can do that.  Tomorrow I'll read. Maybe.  Probably.  I promise.

Who's the boy you like the most

Who's the boy you like the most

I've just finished season 4 of "Psych" and there's this re-occuring serial killer and season 3 ended with an episode about the serial killer, and so season 4 does as well, and so does season 5.  But I haven't watched season 5 yet, and so they haven't caught the Yin to the Yang and so I'm sitting here feeling like I'm being watched, because this is how I always feel after I watch something creepy.  This is the feeling that keeps me up at night.  And the only way I've figured out how to overcome it is to stay up so late that I get a headache and my eyes hurt and I practically fall asleep sitting up.

So really I should watch a stupid romcom on Netflix and put on my pajamas and I'm going to go do that.  Right after I find something to title this post with.  And then maybe later when I can't sleep I'll write down all my thoughts on "Never Let Me Go" and the television archetype relationship of two characters who are perfect for each other but can't be together because of a, b, and c, and also I might make a list of all the books I want to read before I leave for school.

Seems like everywhere you turn catastrophe reigns

Seems like everywhere you turn catastrophe reigns

I've been absolutely horrendous about blogging lately but basically what I've done is see "Les Miserables" with my mom and see "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2" at 12:01 AM after waiting 10 hours outside with my friends.  I've bought some stuff for school but not nearly enough, and I've got The Odyssey sitting on my desk taunting me, but I haven't started it yet and it's nearly 500 pages and so I really should start it soon because I've got barely a month left.  I've been watching a lot of Hugh Grant movies as well as a lot of "Psych" and I haven't been reading nearly as much as I should be.  Right now I'm listening to a Sansa Stark fanmix and it's fantastic and I love fanmixes so much because they tell stories and also expose me to music that I wouldn't normally listen to and also I think getting music from strangers is the best way to get to know them; does that make any sense?

Tonight Mom and I are seeing a musical called "Fleetwood Macbeth" and it should be sufficiently bizarre.  Gillian gets home tomorrow and even though she's going to be grumpy for at least 24 hours, I'm really glad she's getting home because I miss her and she hasn't written my nearly enough letters.

I'm full of a zillion emotions regarding Harry Potter and the end and all that but basically what it comes down to is that I feel like there's a little hole in my heart now where these characters and their stories have forever buried inside.  I didn't cry much during the movie (besides when Harry entered the forest with the resurrection stone and his parents and Sirius and Lupin joined him) but afterward, yesterday and now, I've been looking at pictures and reading others' thoughts and I guess what I'm really going to miss is the whole community that loves it so much and constantly thinks about it all and argues over it and debates what's coming, because what's coming isn't much.  And that's the sad part, I think.

I only have two more songs left on this mix and I'm going to finish listening to it and then I'm going to take a shower and blow out my hair straight because I never do that and it's summer and why not?

We are fated to pretend

We are fated to pretend

Tonight I saw "Monte Carlo" with Gabi and we had Panera for dinner.  On Thursday I had breakfast with Simone and Taylor.  But besides that I've been to Target four times in the last four days.  I had dinner out with my parents once and lunch twice and I've been watching a lot of "Psych" and not really doing anything at all.  Tomorrow is the 4th of July and I (surprise) don't have any plans.  I'll probably sit in the bathtub with Gracie like I did last night, when somebody misread their calendar and decided it would be a good time to launch off fireworks and freak my dog out.

I've been writing a bit and sleeping a lot and that's what summer's supposed to be about, right?  Somehow I feel like I should be having greater adventures than the ones I'm having.  NKOTBSB concert on Wednesday, San Francisco on Thursday for the Picasso exhibit and the Gertrude Stein collection.

We are alive

We are alive

I got back from New York City last night.  While I was there, I saw "Arcadia" on Broadway and it was fantastic and I'm really lucky that my mom can afford to take me across the country to see plays and museum exhibits that really are once-in-a-lifetime opportunities.  And I went to the Met and I stood face to face with one of Van Gogh's self portraits, and I really do love them.  There's something so familiar about the idea that he didn't have any models but so had to paint, needed to, so he painted himself.  And I saw Starry Night at the MOMA - I didn't even know it was there.  I just turned a corner and there was a big crowd of people and there it was.  The colors are so vibrant even after so many years and standing there looking at it, I totally understood why it's considered his best painting, his masterpiece.  It gets inside you and makes your heart hurt. 

Today I went to Jen's grad party, where I ate way too much even though I wasn't hungry and sat in the sun and it was fun.  Tomorrow I think we're seeing "Super 8" because we've been talking about it for a while, and I think I'm cleaning and I really have no obligations this summer and that's kind of exciting.

Tell me why I should run for cover

Tell me why I should run for cover

1. Yesterday I went to the Ke$ha concert with B and E and B did my makeup like I never dare to and I screamed so much I felt like I was going to lose my voice.  It was amazing and being outside at night feels different than being outside during the day which I know makes sense but I guess nothing I ever say does anyway.

2. Today Gillian and I went and saw "Prom" which was cute and made me cry, partly because it was too real and partly because it wasn't real at all and I hate how movies still subscribe to the whole imagined reality of high school and the way it should be.  Then we went to the bookstore and bought Mom's mother's day present.

3. I'm done with my AP tests now and nearly done with high school and even though I've been waiting for this for so long it's making me kind of sad and I don't even know what else to say about this.

4. I've been crying a lot lately.  Like in English class while watching a movie that I don't understand because of a young Johnny Depp and a baby Leo DiCaprio and I have this infinite fixation with time and sometimes I'm reading something and the words describe my thoughts better than I can and in those moments I always wish I have paper and a pen or maybe just a pen because I have a whole arm to write on.

5. I should go to sleep because it's getting late and I have things to do, or at least I should pretend I have things to do because other wise I won't do anything.

Roll away your stone I'll roll away mine

Roll away your stone I'll roll away mine

I think I'm predisposed to be pessimistic, or at least realistic, in the sense that people make me sad and I keep expecting the worst from everyone and I can't seem to finish good books because I know they're going to break my heart.  I'm sitting here listening to Mumford & Sons and what I really want to do is go run through fields of daisies and forget about college letters and math tests and Macbeth.  My head is full of the imagery of winter, grays and blues and clouds and long hair and scarves and cold noses and big piles of leaves.  I'm so excited to live where it snows. 

Tonight I went to dinner with my mom at a vegetarian hippie sort of place in Fullerton where she used to go when she was in college.  Then we went to the bookstore and didn't buy anything, and came home and watched "The Romantics", which wasn't very good but was pretty nonetheless and kind of related to Arcadia because isn't that how things work, things in life always relate to what I've read in class?  Just one of those laws of nature, like it always rains when I really don't want it to and math tests are always hard.  Tomorrow Gilly and I are going to the movies.  As much as I'm so ready to graduate, I love this time right now that I get to spend with my little sister and with my favorite fictional characters and with myself.  I like being alone.  Will I ever get to be alone next year? 

I should go to sleep but I know I won't.  Another one of those rules of life.

They said always call when you get there

They said always call when you get there

So I've just seen "Inception", and because it's what I do (over-think things to the point where they become totally meaningless), I've been turning the ending over and over in my mind for hours, repeatedly coming to the same conclusion.  Either the top falls or it doesn't, but we'll never know either way.  Disregarding that, as well as the fact that it's all fictional anyway, we see Cobb turn away from the top.  Say he turns around; he'll either see the top spinning, or it will have fallen down.  If it's still spinning, he'll make a decision based on that.  Or say he doesn't turn around - say he makes the conscious decision to not know the fate of the top, the conscious decision to accept that where he is right now is where he wants to be despite the fact that it might not be reality.  There's a perpetual limbo - is it a dream or isn't it, is the top spinning or isn't it.  But it really doesn't matter.

This perpetual limbo - because I like to over-analyze things, I've put the top in a box in my mind, like Schrodinger's cat in the box.  The cat's both alive and dead at the same time because we don't know what it truly is until we look at it.  It's the same with the top.  So taking the top toppling over as a sign of reality, if we don't see the top fall, we don't know that it doesn't - but we don't know that it does.  So choosing not to care - what does that do to the top?       

Now, my father would say that they all die in the end anyway, so who cares?  Which I suppose is true.  These are fictional characters and a fictional concept, and I'm just a teenage girl who's procrastinating her summer homework by writing up something that's probably already been thought about by billions of (other, much smarter) sci-fi enthusiasts all over the internet.  Nerd and conformist, that's me.

Other things I've conformed to lately:  a Seventeen Magazine workout plan, summer homework procrastination, staying up late followed by sleeping in late, watching two hours of youtube videos in one night, teaching a parent to use facebook, pointless and lengthly blog entries that no one will ever read.         

About you now

About you now

My dog has separation anxiety.

We're all leaving tomorrow, all of us besides my dad.  My mom and I are going on a ten-day college tour and my sister's going off to Jewish camp for three weeks.  There have been suitcases all over the house for days, constant laundry, redundant list-making.  Apparently my dog Gracie is a bit saddened by this, because tonight she decided it would be fun to pee all over my bathroom. 

I completely understand separation anxiety.  I understand the fear that when someone leaves they'll never come back.  I understand the fear of being left behind, forgotten.  But she is a dog.  She is an overweight, pampered, seemingly potty-trained dog who gets a lot of attention and a lot of love and has another dog to play with at home and isn't even being totally deserted because my dad's still going to be here.  Maybe I should be flattered, though, that she peed the length of my bathroom and not my parents' or my sister's. 

Before I came home to that, I went out with my friends and saw "Toy Story 3" and visited Gabs at Dairy Queen and had fun and felt like a teenager who was hanging out with her friends in the summer.  And this afternoon I finished season 1 of "The OC" with my sister.  I've packed season 2 to take with me on our east coast tour so I can watch it in hotel rooms while my mom reads books.  That's a huge turn of events from the way we used to be.  I'm not sure it's a good change, but I almost love "The OC" too much to care. 

If you think that you feel nothing at all

If you think that you feel nothing at all

1. Who actually uses the "it's complicated" relationship status on facebook when they're actually in a complicated relationship?  I thought it was just a joke... like "chillax" should never be spoken in real life and Crocs should never be worn outside one's house.

2. I really love looking at everyone's prom pictures, in a totally non-creepy, loving happy people sort of way.  I love the whole idea of getting dressed up and going to a dance - it's so classic high school experience, but in that naive 1950s sort of way, not the teenage-movie get-drunk-at-house-parties way.

3. Song lyrics, man.  Just song lyrics.  My favorites right now:  Greg Laswell, Ben Folds, Jack's Mannequin (always), Julia Nunes, Beach House, Phoenix.  So great.

4. My sister has been listening to her iHome all day.  She never listens to music.  But there she is, listening to music, and it's all mine.  All my old favorites, from 8th grade and freshman year, before I discovered the Matts and art history (Dadaism is quite similar to Gaga-ism) and cardigans.  Flashbackkkk.

5. "Letters to Juliet" was extremely cute.  Movies like that always put me in the mood to write.  I get into this mood where I type furiously on the keyboard determined to create witty characters and happy endings and entire novels in short periods of time.  Unfortunately that never works out too well.

6. How is it that whenever I want a pretty picture to come up on my tumblr dashboard, none do?  I guess that's a rhetorical question, unless you have an answer for me.  And dear person who recently left me an art joke in my formspring:  your art joke didn't make any sense.  Encore une fois, sil-vous-plait?  Also, I got nail polish all over my hands.  At least it's my favorite color.  It's called gunmetal, but the texture's weird and I think I need a new bottle.  It's by Sally Hansen.  My birthday is soon.  Hint, hint.

7.  I would like it to be summer now. I would like that a lot.  That sounds like something Dr. Suess would write.  Green eggs and ham.    

Secret dreams

Secret dreams

I love watching the Oscars.  I've always had this secret desire to be a famous actress - not because of the fame and fortune, or because of the actual acting.  What's attractive to me is how tight-knit the industry is.  They're all family, and they all know each other, and when Sandra Bullock wins for Best Actress, she gets up there and dedicates her award to the other four fabulous nominees that didn't win.  They all just seem like such a fabulous bunch of people - George Clooney making faces at the camera and Stanley Tucci joking around with Meryl Streep.   

Obviously there's bad parts of the movie industry, too - the competition and standards of beauty and things of that nature.  But I'm not destined to be an actress, anyway.  If I do end up at the Oscars someday, I'll be the frantic one who cues commercials, or the silent one who directs people to their seats, or some non consequential thing of that nature.

Today I met with an SAT tutor.  He seems to think that my math score is not indicative of my true math abilities, which is a good thing, I suppose.  I absolutely hate testing.  It's so pointless, especially if it doesn't show your true intelligence anyway.  But my mom wants me to raise my score, and so I shall.  She also wants me to enter writing contests and go to writing camp so I can show colleges that I'm truly dedicated.  But I don't know if I'm truly anything - intelligent or dedicated.  We'll see how that goes.   

And I've now managed to get nail polish all over my hands.  On the palms of my hands.  That takes skill, if I do say so myself. 

Put me on a plane and fly me to anywhere

Put me on a plane and fly me to anywhere

Today I took the ACT - it wasn't too bad - and then Sydney talked me into some vegetables at Sprout's.  Then we went to the movies and saw "Dear John," that's one off of my list.  It should suffice to say that I loved it, but I'm still not sure about Channing Tatum as a heartthrob and whatnot.  He's very... beefy.  And angry looking.  But he has cute freckles on his back.

Anyhow, the movie was cute.  Then I helped Sydney make dinner.  I discovered that I do not really like celery root.  It definitely doesn't taste like mashed potatoes.  We had these molten chocolate cake things for desert with whipped cream that Sydney made.  I think my blog is going downhill.  I've never written about food before.

Now I'm sitting here pretending to do my homework and compiling a playlist to burn for Jennifer and playing music trivia with Megan over facebook.  Random thought:  is it bad that occasionally something happens and my automatic response is to think either she's just being Miley or the title of a Miley Cyrus song?  Yeah, I think that's bad.

Also occasionally "All Downhill by Here" by Newfound Glory pops into my head.  

Okay, why are none of my friends online?  Michael is always online.  Where is he?  It's like my friends have, like, lives or something.  What's up with that, yo?  My life just constitutes of procrastination and music and blogging and sleeping and mourning the fact that I can't go anywhere. 

Me:  I'll just make a joke about it.
Sharon:  Knowing you, you already planned it.

Movies to see in 2010

Movies to see in 2010

Avatar - I'm a bit behind
The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus - out now
Sherlock Holmes - out now

Leap Year - January 8
When In Rome - January 29

Dear John - February 5
Valentines Day - February 12
Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief - February 12

Alice in Wonderland (ohmygoodness) - March 5
The Back-up Plan - March 16
The Bounty Hunter - March 19

The Last Song (don't judge me) - April 7

Iron Man 2 - May 7
Letters to Juliet - May 14
The Prince of Persia: Sands of Time - May 28

The Karate Kid - June 11
Footloose (for my birthday!) - June 18
Toy Story 3 - June 18
The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (cause you know I'll see it even though I'll say I won't) - June 30

The Last Airbender - July 2
Despicable Me - July 9
Beastly (Alex Pettyfer omg) - July 30

Ramona and Beezus - August 13
The Baster - August 20

Flipped (omg love this book) - September 17
You Again - September 24

Going the Distance - October 8
The Social Network (the story of facebook wtf?) - October 15

Rapunzel - November 12 (or 24? limited and wide?)
Unstoppable (only cause Captain Fine is in it) - November 12
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1 - November 19
Love and Other Drugs - November 24

How Do You Know? - December 17
Life As We Know It - December 17

Grrr I hate homework.