She wants to know does everyone feel this way
"Tear you apaaaart
into little pieces of candy."
- Michael Kang
I feel weird. This morning I ran into Gigit and Taco and we were talking about how we're all sleeping weirdly. And we talked about how we all hate it here now, we hate the people here, we all just want to go back to France. Gigit said something about how she looks around at all these people and it makes her sad knowing that all of them don't know that there's a whole world out there that they haven't seen. Just a few days ago I was a world away, on the top of the Eiffel Tower, eating crepes on the street in Rennes, and now I'm home, in a concrete box like all the other concrete boxes, refreshing my facebook page and putting off my math homework. I hate that. I hate this.
It's almost a sort of restlessness, a feeling of why - why am I here, going to school, living this daily monotonous existence, when I could be out there, traveling, meeting people, doing new things? And then I almost hate myself for thinking that, because isn't that what we're all thinking? I want to be different, I want to be the one who's happy and successful, or maybe not successful but just happy. I want to be the one who doesn't show up at the high school reunion because she has better things to do.
This weird antsyness - it's like when you click through twenty songs because none of them sound right for the moment, or when you try on six different shirts before giving up and going with the first thing you tried on, or when you flip through dozens of channels before finally just turning the tv off. I don't want here or there, but I really, really don't want here. There's a French word for it, I think - ennui? A state of being, not a passing mood.
