Pressed against the pane could see the veins
Typing on my macbook pro is really a lot of fun because you don't have to press the keys down very far and they're backlit which is nice, but my wrists get annoyed at bending over the edge of the laptop, at the bottom, you see, and I'm not really sure if there's anything I can do about that besides adjusting the way I type and keeping my hands in the air, which is probably better for my finger/wrist/arm muscles anyway. Not that I have finger muscles. But you can get this stress injury from too much typing. Not that I have that. But I think you see the point, which is that I don't have a point and am just rambling because I slept in until noon today and so I don't think I'm going to be able to sleep tonight.Being portable with this thing is seriously amazing. I'm lying on the floor right now. Which to be honest isn't all that comfortable but the point is that I could never do this before. Now I can get carpet burn as much as I want.
I really should have gotten a job this summer. Or I should get some friends to hang out with on Friday nights so I can stop spending them like this.
And at once I knew I was not magnificent
I'm sitting here watching "Bones" because I finished season 4 at approximately 10:10 pm and the episode ended with Booth waking up from his coma and going, "who are you?" and so I asked myself, "should I watch another episode or go to bed?" and I decided I wanted to watch another episode. Only now they've just found like eight bodies underneath a fountain based on the word of a psychic and I'm thinking serial killer and praying that it's not a serial killer because those are the ones that keep me up all night.Today I got up too early to say au revoir to Gilly before she left for camp, and then I went out to lunch with my mom and had a strawberry banana crepe with caramel sauce. Then we came home and cleaned my room and my mom magically made all of my new books fit on my bookshelf, and after dinner I washed my car. Tomorrow I'm going to the movies with Ellie and on Friday I plan to work on moving my files to my new computer and I need to scan some stuff and work on the graduation collages.
I am so ready for Booth to admit that he's in love with Bones.
Somewhere down down down in the ocean
I am typing this from my new macbook pro, which is really nice and all, but also frustrating because I don't have a mouse for it and also because I don't know where the spaces go in its name and I'm not sure which letters to capitalize. But the keys make a really satisfying clicking sound when I type. Today I woke up to the lovely banging that meant that our solar panels aren't finished being installed yet, and I had cocoa crispies for breakfast, watched several episodes of "Bones" like I apparently do whenever I have a spare moment, and had lunch with Briana. I meant to read all day today, but that didn't work out. I came home from lunch and there was a brand new shiny computer that needed setting up, and then we went out to dinner and came home and watched some tv that Gilly wanted to watch before she leaves for camp tomorrow.My mom is taking some classes later this week to renew her law license degree whatchamacallit, so I've got the house to myself Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. There is so much I want to do: finish The Help, work on the grad presents for my friends that I've been not working on in favor of my Wreck this Journal, go through my documents and decide which ones I want to transfer to my laptop, clean my room (including my closet and dresser and overflowing bookshelf), watch the final episode of the "Vampire Diaries", go to the library (which is closed on Thursday), write and write and write, install my sister's webcam, etc., etc., etc. So why do I feel like I'll probably just sleep late and watch "Bones"? I have a car and it needs an oil change and I have a credit card and I could go anywhere I want (anywhere that I can get without taking the freeway anyhow) and yet I want to stay home and watch "Bones" and clean. There is something wrong with me.
This is the first year in a long time that Gillian is going to camp and I haven't hidden notes in all of her socks. I hope she's not expecting it because there's really no feasible way I could at this point, since her bags are all in her room and I can't really sneak in there while she's sleeping. And there's no way I'm getting up at 6 tomorrow to hide them while she's in the shower. Maybe I'll just write her a nice letter and tuck it in the top of one of the bags while she's not looking. I'm going to miss her next year. I hope she's going to be okay. She's so much smarter than me. I hope she'll be fine.
We are alive
I got back from New York City last night. While I was there, I saw "Arcadia" on Broadway and it was fantastic and I'm really lucky that my mom can afford to take me across the country to see plays and museum exhibits that really are once-in-a-lifetime opportunities. And I went to the Met and I stood face to face with one of Van Gogh's self portraits, and I really do love them. There's something so familiar about the idea that he didn't have any models but so had to paint, needed to, so he painted himself. And I saw Starry Night at the MOMA - I didn't even know it was there. I just turned a corner and there was a big crowd of people and there it was. The colors are so vibrant even after so many years and standing there looking at it, I totally understood why it's considered his best painting, his masterpiece. It gets inside you and makes your heart hurt.Today I went to Jen's grad party, where I ate way too much even though I wasn't hungry and sat in the sun and it was fun. Tomorrow I think we're seeing "Super 8" because we've been talking about it for a while, and I think I'm cleaning and I really have no obligations this summer and that's kind of exciting.
I guess we're all one phone call from our knees
Today I went to lunch and the bookstore and Staples with my family, not in that order. Then on the way home my dad suddenly decided that he needed to go to the pool store, so my mom and my sister and I sat in the car for fifteen minutes while he bought a net named after a stingray. Then we came home and I continued to do what I've been doing for the majority of this weekend, which is watch "Bones," to which I am completely addicted and cannot stop thinking about and as a result of that, cannot sleep at night. Also this weekend I filled out some of my college paperwork, which is still not done and is due Tuesday at midnight. Tomorrow I'm going to Knott's and then Tuesday is my birthday and also graduation which somehow comes second to my birthday in my mind even though I'm not doing anything for my birthday besides graduating so it's really not significant at all.I feel like it's summer, in the sense that I've done pretty much nothing all weekend and am up late (or at least what's late for me), but it's been gloomy out and I miss the sun and what I really want for my birthday is for the sun to come out and remind me that I can stop and breathe.
These precious illusions did not let me down
I am not sad about this. At all. Thus is the end that I've been waiting for since the beginning. Tomorrow is probably the last day I will see a lot of the people that I see everyday, and that's so almost relieving. I've never thought that the world hates me. I've always known that it's me that hates the world. Or maybe I just hate high school. I can count my good memories from the last few years using only the fingers on my hands - or is that too harsh? I guess it'd be safe to say that my good memories of teenagerdom have either happened outside of school or have been totally overshadowed by the hellishness of everything else.So I'm really really happy to be done. I'm never going to have to sit in a Los Al classroom silently feeling so uncomfortable and alone that I have to close my eyes and try to convince myself that I'm somewhere else. I know college is going to be a challenge for me, and not just academically. But I know that in order to grow I can't be stuck in high school forever.
And now somehow I feel like I'm trying to explain myself. It doesn't matter anyway.
Fighting dragons with you
I tend to measure how much things have changed based on past blog posts and old photographs and who came to my last birthday party. I think maybe (actually I think probably for sure) that my aloneness is self-imposed. But I don't think my loneliness is - I'm pretty sure they're not the same thing - because I feel it in the pit of my stomach even when I'm surrounded by people. I've never really bought much into psychology but all I do is psychoanalyze myself and other people and wonder if it's really all got biological roots, genetic dispositions, things that I don't really understand and are maybe just used to excuse how much hurt we cause ourselves.There are only four more school days left plus Knott's and graduation and as of last Tuesday there were nine days left and I can't understand why she had to drag this out again because now I can't stop thinking about it. Only two people have asked me about it and I can't decide if that's good or bad because a part of me is wondering who else saw and what they think and then a part of me is like, who cares what they think? And there I am again, trying to explain other people to myself, thinking that maybe instead of talking it to death when it first happened like I did she buried it deep down and denied that anything was wrong and now suddenly she's realized that things can't be fixed and it's all exploded out of her and she didn't realize the affects of her actions despite the R U Cyber Smart education we've all now been given. At least that's what I want to believe, that she didn't set out to hurt me knowing that I'd see it. Is that naive? I'm not sure if I care.
I couldn't sleep last night, or the night before. Next week I can sleep all day if I want to. Somehow that's comforting, that idea.
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