Showing posts with label school. Show all posts
Showing posts with label school. Show all posts
On the broken radiator
There is snow outside my window and I laughed a lot tonight and things are good, except I haven't really figured out how to tell my roommate's boyfriend to gtfo because I want to go to sleep, and I haven't figured out how to dress for this weather or how to talk to people or what it means when someone speaks to me directly by name even though I've barely spoken to them before.And also I want a boyfriend but I'm not sure why, and I think it might be because my roommate has one and I feel like she's slipping away from me a tiny bit every day, and because I don't know how to act around him, and because I don't have to impress him but I want someone of my own to impress, and because I don't want someone who is nice to me all the time but someone who is kind to me and interested in me and wants to spend time with me and is okay with who I am.
So really I'm at that point again where things are settling and I really just want something to happen, I guess.
She always belonged to someone else
I'm going back to school in two days and I am not ready, not ready, not ready. I'm really happy here at home with my giant watercolor notebook and my Netflix and my tumblr. But I know that if I never leave the house then I'll never experience anything or go anywhere or anything and the happiness will expire and I'll never be able to get it back. Or something.I don't have anything else to write right now, but at 1 AM this morning I finished The Fault in Our Stars and all I wanted to do was blog about it and talk about it and then today happened and I only saw my sister for five minutes and so I haven't had a chance to ask her if she's finished it yet. Tomorrow is my last day of break and I don't know what to read next. Those two things go together in my mind.
Someway baby, it's part of me, apart from me
I just watched "The Breakfast Club" and I'm feeling sort of iffy about the ending and it's nearing 11 so I know I should go to bed soon. But I'm here blogging because I want to paint or write or something, or something, so really I'm just feeling antsy, because I know I only have a few more days at home and it's sort of scaring me that I don't want to go back to school. There's nothing for me at home, really - I'm just wasting time. But I'm enjoying wasting time, and I'm not bored even though I swore I'd be, and I'm not sure I'm ready to go back to being productive. There are so many more movies I want to see, and I want to finish "Numb3rs" and read a million more books and go through my dresser drawers.I miss my friends. I do miss them. But Reed is so much a bubble, and just thinking about it makes me feel a little bit claustrophobic. So I guess I just don't think about it? I'm sure everything will be fine once I'm there. It has to be. Five more months and then summer, and then repeat all over again. I'll just have to find some ways to make next year significantly different from this year, so I don't get stuck in this monotonous thing like I did in high school.
Tomorrow I'm having lunch with Simone, which I'm trying to stop worrying about, and I have to buy fishing line and finish my mobiles and figure out what to do with the last one and why is it tripping me up so much?
Baby it's like we're walking on a wire
I'm home for break and I've already been to Target twice and driven to LA accidentally and seen a play and visited my dad's new car storage unit thing and listened to NEEDTOBREATHE and Bon Iver and Jack's Mannequin and Joe Jonas. I keep going through these phases of my-mother-is-so-annoying-I-need-to-go-back-to-school-now to I'm-so-bored-I-need-to-go-back-to-school-now to why-are-you-waking-me-up-it's-so-early-and-I'm-not-at-school.So here are some things I've accomplished: an almost-done outline of my NaNoWriMo novel, two and a half episodes of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer," a pink-and-beige striped scarf.
Still to do: read On the Road, read parts of Leviticus for hum, see "Ides of March," "50/50," "Footloose."
I'm just a notch in your bedpost but you're just a line in a song
Today I got to thinking about how the Draco/Hermione story (or lack thereof, since it's not canon) is basically (basically meaning I am oversimplifying something that can't really be simplified at all since it's interpreted a zillion different ways in a zillion different fan fics) Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth Bennet, with a lot more complications and a lot more cussing. And that made me think about how all love stories are basically the same story, and that made me think that that's the same thing I've thought a zillion times. Something else I've done a million times - started reading a Dramione fic, only to abandon it 300 words later because Draco's house elf is named Cue Tip or Ron is cheating on Hermione with Lavendar (seriously?) or Arthur Weasley is Minister of Magic (it's Kingsley Shacklebolt, man, it's gotta be) or Harry is dating Pansy while Ginny sleeps around or Charlie is with Luna, etc etc.It just amazes me how you can take a character that's been so well-defined and perfected by someone and just totally tear him or her to shreds. Ginny is not a bitch and Narcissa Malfoy is not a cookie-baking grandma and fan fic writers overuse the word "irrevocably" and constantly use "the witch" as an alternative to "she." And what is with phrases that sound nice but don't make any sense, like "artless smile" and can we talk about this ridiculous plot where Ginny wants Malfoy and Ron wants Hermione back even though he cheated on her so they're cooking up some scheme to break them up? And yet, I can't tear my eyes away.
And also I think it's really interesting that in some of these fics there are spells to do things I never would've thought of. Like magical wedding bands that prevent spouses from cheating on each other. I'd think that the wizarding community would only use magic to make things easier on themselves, but in some ways, it seems they've made them harder (as in, no electricity or cell phones) and some of the stuff they use is just sort of creepy and kind of totally restricts free will. Of course, none of it's real anyway, so.
It's realllllly time I get back to school.
Can I make it better with the lights turned on
It's 11:52 PM and I just watched a movie that I didn't like very much but it made me think, and I hate when movies do that. I love thinking, really I do, but I wish it came as a result of things I enjoy. Does that make any sense? Probably not. I've got my laptop on my lap and it's really warm because it's plugged in but I'm too lazy to go unplug the charger, because I refuse to unplug it from the laptop but leave it in the wall, because that's a waste of energy. But is my getting up to unplug it a waste of energy too? The things I waste time thinking about...Today I went to the movies with Gabs and Gilles and then we went to Huntington Beach and had lunch and drove home down PCH with the windows down and the sunroof open, and I've never actually opened the sunroof before so that was a new experience. I got home at 4 o'clock and I kind of immediately fell into this state of boredom. I've been doing nothing all summer, just lazing around my house everyday and occasionally running errands, and then one day I'm out and when I get home I can't remember how I usually occupy my time. It's so strange how easy we adjust to new things and forget the way things used to be. Does that make any sense? Probably not.
I really want to finish this post before midnight so the date is right. I've been writing a lot lately, writing and editing and writing again. But what I really should be doing is reading The Odyssey, and I know that and it's sitting there on my desk taunting me, but every time I look at it, I think, oh god the odyssey why. And then I don't pick it up. But eventually I'm going to run out of days where I can do that. Tomorrow I'll read. Maybe. Probably. I promise.
I guess we're all one phone call from our knees
Today I went to lunch and the bookstore and Staples with my family, not in that order. Then on the way home my dad suddenly decided that he needed to go to the pool store, so my mom and my sister and I sat in the car for fifteen minutes while he bought a net named after a stingray. Then we came home and I continued to do what I've been doing for the majority of this weekend, which is watch "Bones," to which I am completely addicted and cannot stop thinking about and as a result of that, cannot sleep at night. Also this weekend I filled out some of my college paperwork, which is still not done and is due Tuesday at midnight. Tomorrow I'm going to Knott's and then Tuesday is my birthday and also graduation which somehow comes second to my birthday in my mind even though I'm not doing anything for my birthday besides graduating so it's really not significant at all.I feel like it's summer, in the sense that I've done pretty much nothing all weekend and am up late (or at least what's late for me), but it's been gloomy out and I miss the sun and what I really want for my birthday is for the sun to come out and remind me that I can stop and breathe.
These precious illusions did not let me down
I am not sad about this. At all. Thus is the end that I've been waiting for since the beginning. Tomorrow is probably the last day I will see a lot of the people that I see everyday, and that's so almost relieving. I've never thought that the world hates me. I've always known that it's me that hates the world. Or maybe I just hate high school. I can count my good memories from the last few years using only the fingers on my hands - or is that too harsh? I guess it'd be safe to say that my good memories of teenagerdom have either happened outside of school or have been totally overshadowed by the hellishness of everything else.So I'm really really happy to be done. I'm never going to have to sit in a Los Al classroom silently feeling so uncomfortable and alone that I have to close my eyes and try to convince myself that I'm somewhere else. I know college is going to be a challenge for me, and not just academically. But I know that in order to grow I can't be stuck in high school forever.
And now somehow I feel like I'm trying to explain myself. It doesn't matter anyway.
And your heart is a stone buried underneath your pretty clothes
In fourteen days I will turn 18. Graduate from high school. Never have to see my least favorite people ever again. Do people really go to high school reunions? Only if I'm fat and alone and unhappy, mainly unhappy, could I ever see myself returning to high school. There's so much out there in the world that needs my help, so there's no reason to waste my time in the past. That sounds like the advice I give M or A and never listen to myself. I want to be happy. Is that a reasonable goal? When does it become selfish? I think I've thought about this before. My mind goes in circles, over and over, cycling through what I've already considered and making it feel brand new again. I wish that worked on people, places, the clothes in my closet.I want to rewatch "Skins" this summer. I want to clean out my closet and my dresser and my bookshelf and I want to go through my massive collection of mostly blank notebooks. I want to see all of Woody Allen's films. I want to read David Foster Wallace. I want to take more pictures. I want to master freeway driving. I want to feel like I've accomplished something.
Don't turn out the light now light now
The days are going by so fast and it's almost graduation and I think I'm starting to panic because what if I'm not ready for the future and for living so far away? But at the same time I am so ready to be done with this insane competition to have better grades than everyone else and to look better too and I'm not really sure why but sometimes it feels like looking better is easier. I'm typing this from my bed and I guess I should go to sleep but there is a dog barking outside my window and the weather is totally erratic the opposite of static and so I can't wear my cute new shorts and so I don't know what to wear. God can this week just be over already?
Come on write me a song give me something to trust
I've figured out my Annie Hall outfit, which is basically my mother's pants and a tie and a hat, and it's really unattractive but I'm actually excited for this presentation, if only because I love this movie and want everyone else to love it too. Which of course is naive, because I don't think "nerd" is an insult and I like The Shipping News and basically I don't think my brain works the same way everyone else's does.Here is a picture from prom, which was fun and kind of gross and awkward but still fun. Now I have a dress that I will never have an opportunity to wear again. I'm really glad I never have to go to a high school dance ever again, because, in case it wasn't clear before, they really are not my thing.
Tell me why I should run for cover
1. Yesterday I went to the Ke$ha concert with B and E and B did my makeup like I never dare to and I screamed so much I felt like I was going to lose my voice. It was amazing and being outside at night feels different than being outside during the day which I know makes sense but I guess nothing I ever say does anyway.2. Today Gillian and I went and saw "Prom" which was cute and made me cry, partly because it was too real and partly because it wasn't real at all and I hate how movies still subscribe to the whole imagined reality of high school and the way it should be. Then we went to the bookstore and bought Mom's mother's day present.
3. I'm done with my AP tests now and nearly done with high school and even though I've been waiting for this for so long it's making me kind of sad and I don't even know what else to say about this.
4. I've been crying a lot lately. Like in English class while watching a movie that I don't understand because of a young Johnny Depp and a baby Leo DiCaprio and I have this infinite fixation with time and sometimes I'm reading something and the words describe my thoughts better than I can and in those moments I always wish I have paper and a pen or maybe just a pen because I have a whole arm to write on.
5. I should go to sleep because it's getting late and I have things to do, or at least I should pretend I have things to do because other wise I won't do anything.
I let the day roll by I always say goodbye
It's funny (in a totally so-not-funny-that-I-want-to-shoot-myself sort of way) how a perfectly decent day can become completely horrible all because I find out that my Euro teacher passed out a 41-page packet the day before break even though I told him ahead of time that I was going to be missing school and he should've given it to me early, and also because my printer is broken and I can never pick the right shoes to wear shopping. I'm sitting here now thinking how ridiculous it is to be pitying myself like this because I'm going to college and my parents are going to pay 50 grand a year for it, and I'm listening to John Mayer and trying to slow my heartrate down but it's not working.I bought five more books at Powells last week and of course I've now overflowed my bookshelf again and I have nowhere to put them. These are my problems. These are seriously the problems that I think about when I can't sleep at night - what if I can't find a prom dress? what if I get to college and everyone hates me? how am I going to get to the Ke$ha concert next Friday? next Friday? what the hell happened to my senior year?
Tomorrow M is bringing over the 41-page packet for me to photo copy and then I'm going prom dress shopping with J and Michelle and then Michael's picking up his packet and then I'm going to a city council meeting. Then this weekend my aunt and uncle and cousins are staying with us because one of my cousins is having her Bat Mitzvah, so I guess I'm finishing all my homework on Sunday even though that's my least favorite thing in the world besides printers, because I've been wasting away all week instead of working on it. But I only let myself do this because I know that I'm not as bad as everyone else, because I've already finished the hellish Montana 1948 and I did two-thirds of the packet and I made a video for my gov project, and it sucks but my group will have to live with it, so really all I have left is the essay outline for lit and apparently a 41-page packet for Euro.
I need to sleep. That's what I need to do, because apparently I need to be up by 8:30 to answer the door for M.
And you rip out all I had just to say that you won
I should be reading a book or doing homework or deciding where I'm going to college or something but instead I spent the early part of this evening watching the news and Anderson Cooper and Bill Maher and listening to sixty seconds of Obama's soothing voice and I really do think that no matter what you think about his politics, you have to admit that he has a wonderful voice. Yesterday it rained for about five minutes and then the sun came out and shined down between the clouds and it was all very surreal and that's how I've been feeling lately, odd and like I'm stuck in this in-between zone between what's happened and what's coming.I've been listening to boy bands a lot and writing in my dream journal and apparently not using commas, and I've been sitting quietly in English class and listening to boys talk crap about women and I haven't been saying anything about it because I almost feel like I'm leaving this school and these people in two months anyway and they don't care what I have to say so it doesn't really matter.
Now I think maybe I'll go read and go to bed and maybe get ten hours of sleep and then record all my dreams in the morning.
But I can't move the mountains for you
I really need a haircut but I'm trying to grow it out and also I guess I've given up my curling iron and straightener and blow dryer for Lent, even though I'm not Catholic and have no plans to be anytime soon. I've watched more movies in the last week ("Sweet Home Alabama") than I have in the past three months, and I went to the library yesterday to get Pride and Prejudice but I couldn't find it, which was kind of upsetting, but then I came home and found my copy on Gillian's bookshelf. So now I'm rereading it for the billionth time and it gets funnier and more right every time I read it. It makes me so happy.Time is going by really fast now, and I'm losing track of what day it is and tomorrow's Thursday already even though I'm pretty sure yesterday was Monday, and I have the ticket stub from "The King's Speech" on my picture board above my desk and the date on it is 12/29/10, and I can't believe it's been that long. But all that means that graduation is so much closer. God, I can't wait.
We got older but we're still young
Tonight I watched three movies with E and I made three bracelets and went to Yogurtland. We talked a lot about the rut that is second semester of senior year and what's going to happen next year and a bit about deleting people on facebook and how refreshing that feels. I think I'm getting a cold but that's okay because today was a good day and hopefully tomorrow will be too, even though I'm going out with my mom and my sister and that usually turns into a lot of snapping at each other.Right now I'm listening to music that I haven't heard in a long time and my nose is running really badly and it's annoying and I should probably go to bed soon but first I'm going to wash my face and write and I feel okay right now, happy I guess, and I don't want to go to school on Monday, but the good thing is that Monday's still two days away.
Is it weird that I still know all the words to several Fall Out Boy songs?
It's not a silly little moment it's not the storm before the calm
I don't know what's wrong with me lately but I haven't slept all the way through the night in two or three weeks, except for Friday nights and sometimes Saturdays. I keep waking up between one and four in the morning, and looking at the clock and rolling over and going back to sleep, but in that one second that I look at the clock and comprehend that it's too early to get up, my brain turns back on and it's going and going and going and then it's hard to fall back asleep again. Usually it's stress that keeps me awake, but I'm not stressed. I'm just... not. I have barely any schoolwork and no apps to worry about and I've mastered my car, although parking's still a pain in the ass, and I have new boots that I love.I think I'm just thinking too much. But I shouldn't have to sacrifice my sleep so that I can think. Opportunity costs economics Karl Marx government is boring so is psych we never do any work I miss work what is wrong with me I wish I was Veronica Mars or Eleanor Roosevelt although I'd definitely go by Ellie I miss Ellie it was really nice of her to help me with math today, etc.
I need a nap.
And I don't know why
There's this poster of Mark Twain on the wall in my English class and from my seat I can see him staring at me out of the corners of his eyes. Sometimes he looks angry and sometimes he looks like Dumbledore and sometimes, a lot of the time, he's looking at me like what I'm doing isn't really what I should be doing. I've had a very strange week and things are changing and it's really bizarre to know that things are changing and to watch them change and be totally unresistant to it as opposed to looking back at how things have changed after the fact and regretting it.My new classes are strange and I don't think I like them but I'm not really sure yet, and I really want to graduate already, but that's not anything new. I'm starting to get to this point of almost panic about next year, about being disappointed and so I'm trying to set myself up mentally for not getting everything that I want, because I know the chances and I know they're not great. But there's still a part of me, a part that'll always be there, I guess, that still has faith that everything will work out perfectly exactly the way I want it. That's a silly way to think, but I can't help but wonder how things would be if I didn't think that way once in a while.
I will write you a lullaby
In the last week I achieved an A in math and went through my magazine collection, and I can't decide which of those is a bigger accomplishment. I bought new boots and I love them, and I cleaned my room, and I have three new teachers this semester, and I saw "Hair" last weekend, and basically I've been all over the place. I've been watching coverage of the situation in Egypt on the news and I've been watching people more than I usually do, maybe, and I'm trying so hard to not stereotype the stoner kid in my gov class as a stoner because there's got to be more to him than that. I had to write down three things about myself today and it was surprisingly difficult, because even though there's so much of me in my head and in my notebooks and on the walls of my room, it's so hard to slim it down into sentences, straight facts, and write it on an index card."Pretty Little Liars" annoys me because I think teachers are teachers and should be teachers, and I'm cold cold cold cold cold, and tonight I took a ten-minute nap on the sofa before dinner and I haven't been sleeping at night because I've been watching too many episodes of "Bones" lately. I should go to sleep right now but I'm nearly done with Never Let Me Go and so I'd like to finish it tonight even though I'm feeling a bit disappointed with it, or at least with the talk that I heard about it because as of yet it hasn't broken my heart. I want it to. I haven't read a good book in such a long time. Maybe this weekend I'll go to the bookstore and read for hours.
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