And this is what she said, she said to me

And this is what she said, she said to me

It's kind of terrifying me that I have absolutelynoidea where I'm going next year, because I can't make up my mind and and scared of being crushed by books and don't like smoke and I don't know what I want.  Tomorrow I am going to nearly fail a Euro test and tutor a sophomore in French and hopefully go to bed early, even though I say that every night and never actually do. 

I really want to be a painter and I want to paint on sheets of newspaper and glue them to walls and then leave and not watch the reactions of the people who come in.  I have this idea in my head of writing a play, if only because I've been basically incapable lately of writing anything more than snapshots of moments, but that's also terrifying because I have no idea how to write a play, so I don't even want to start. Why is that my attitude toward everything?  It shouldn't be.  I can't seem to take my own advice, ever.

Ya got heart and you're going your own way

Ya got heart and you're going your own way

So on Monday it appears that I was ridiculously happy but the week basically went downhill from there, and today was a horrible end to a horribel series of days and I'm so glad it's the weekend and right now I'm eating a kitkat and listening to Noah and the Whale and thinking about how I really ought to start a dream diary because this morning I tapped the shorthanded details of last night's into my ipod with one hand while I was eating breakfast.  Tomorrow I'm going to a beach clean-up and then making crepes with J and B and S and maybe E and then I think we're going to the mall, maybe, and I'm spending Sunday learning math and doing all the history homework I've been putting off for the past week.

There are a bunch of empty journals on my bookshelf and so maybe I should go pick one up and write last night's dream in it and keep it by my bed with all my other notebooks and then when I'm famous and dead or just dead, someone will read it and laugh at how much I thought I was like every fictional character I've ever read about.

I'm at this place in my head right now where I feel like I can't talk to anyone, but not because no one will listen, more because no one cares.  We've all got our own problems and I think my problem is that I'm creating problems out of nothing in my head and agonizing over them until they make my stomach hurt.  I think I just need to sleep.

How would you cope if the world decided to make you suffer for all that you are

How would you cope if the world decided to make you suffer for all that you are

Today my mom mentioned that I can take dance classes in college, and while I really have no desire at all to take dance classes, the whole idea of taking a dance class, just the idea of it, is kind of appealing.  I have five tests in three days next week, which is next week but it's kind of scaring me anyhow.  I've been trying to write this for about a half hour now, but I'm in such a good mood that I have nothing to say, and I just went and reread some of my posts from December and for some reason sentences always sound better in my head when they don't have any commas.  I have new favorite songs and a pretty solid A in math and a B+ in French but I think I can fix that, and I made cookies the other day and also hamentashen, and I got four acceptances today which brings the total up to five, and so basically I can't think of anything to be sad about right now.  But I think I'm going to start getting rejections at the end of the week, probably as many as I've gotten acceptances.  Which is all part of the experience, I guess.

I'm going to do more homework tomorrow than I did today.  I promise. 

Turn my sorrow into treasured gold

Turn my sorrow into treasured gold

I had this really horrible day yesterday where I saw a guy at school who reminded me of one of my favorite characters and then I remembered that the character dies at the end and everything I felt the first time I watched the character die came back to me and all I wanted to do was go home and sleep for a week, but instead I had to go to English class.  I'm listening to Miley right now and she's not making me feel better even though it's Friday and  I don't have a lot of homework and I got a 97 on my last math test.  I really, really want it to be summer already.  Or at least May 1.

Could it be that time has taken its toll

Could it be that time has taken its toll

Today I was looking out my window to see if the mailman had come yet, and I looked down and there was this perfect pink flower from the cherry tree in our yard on the roof of my car.  I really need to wash my car, and I'm so lucky that I even have a car, and I really really hate Macbeth for being so stupid and I can't decide if I hate him more than I hate Hamlet or if I hate them equally.  I keep starting books and then putting them aside for later and starting new ones, and the same with these characters that keep appearing in my head, begging for names and time and a place to exist. 

I don't think Tuesday was anything special, besides being the day that I went to the library and got my computer back, but it's the only day on my happy things calendar that's made sense to me.  I spent almost every day this week thinking that it was the 8th.  I guess I never write the date down anymore, so I can never keep track of it, even though every morning I rip the top sheet off of my calendar and read the next list.  Sometimes I get the feeling that I'm not doing enough to record my life, like someday I'm going to have kids and they're going to want to know what my life was like when I was 17 and I won't be able to tell them because I just won't remember, but I seem to recall someone saying something about how preoccupied we (meaning this generation) is with recording every passing moment, and how we let things pass by in the process.   

But I can't move the mountains for you

But I can't move the mountains for you

I really need a haircut but I'm trying to grow it out and also I guess I've given up my curling iron and straightener and blow dryer for Lent, even though I'm not Catholic and have no plans to be anytime soon.  I've watched more movies in the last week ("Sweet Home Alabama") than I have in the past three months, and I went to the library yesterday to get Pride and Prejudice but I couldn't find it, which was kind of upsetting, but then I came home and found my copy on Gillian's bookshelf.  So now I'm rereading it for the billionth time and it gets funnier and more right every time I read it.  It makes me so happy.

Time is going by really fast now, and I'm losing track of what day it is and tomorrow's Thursday already even though I'm pretty sure yesterday was Monday, and I have the ticket stub from "The King's Speech" on my picture board above my desk and the date on it is 12/29/10, and I can't believe it's been that long.  But all that means that graduation is so much closer.  God, I can't wait.

Roll away your stone I'll roll away mine

Roll away your stone I'll roll away mine

I think I'm predisposed to be pessimistic, or at least realistic, in the sense that people make me sad and I keep expecting the worst from everyone and I can't seem to finish good books because I know they're going to break my heart.  I'm sitting here listening to Mumford & Sons and what I really want to do is go run through fields of daisies and forget about college letters and math tests and Macbeth.  My head is full of the imagery of winter, grays and blues and clouds and long hair and scarves and cold noses and big piles of leaves.  I'm so excited to live where it snows. 

Tonight I went to dinner with my mom at a vegetarian hippie sort of place in Fullerton where she used to go when she was in college.  Then we went to the bookstore and didn't buy anything, and came home and watched "The Romantics", which wasn't very good but was pretty nonetheless and kind of related to Arcadia because isn't that how things work, things in life always relate to what I've read in class?  Just one of those laws of nature, like it always rains when I really don't want it to and math tests are always hard.  Tomorrow Gilly and I are going to the movies.  As much as I'm so ready to graduate, I love this time right now that I get to spend with my little sister and with my favorite fictional characters and with myself.  I like being alone.  Will I ever get to be alone next year? 

I should go to sleep but I know I won't.  Another one of those rules of life.