Remember that your eyes can be your enemy

Remember that your eyes can be your enemy

Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain

The worst parts of my days are those times when we're engaged in the same conversation with several other people, and are both speaking on the same topic but not looking at each other or speaking directly to each other or acknowledging each others' presences.  The farther removed I get from you, the more I seem to hear about you, and the more I wonder how I put up you and your baggage for so long.  And that's what caused me the most pain - the decision to stop putting up with it, having to watch as our whole tower of Jenga blocks collapsed because of the one piece I pulled out, wondering if I did the wrong thing.  Still wondering if I did the wrong thing.

I think I hurt you too, and for that I'm sorry.  But I'm not sorry for all the rest of this mess, because you've revealed to me more than anything else I've ever experienced, how unbelievably flawed everyone is despite their insistence that they are perfect.  We all have these defense mechanisms that we pull out and hide behind when things get bad.  Mine is silence, and yours is counter-attact, violent and angry and irrational and one-sided.  Even with my shield of silence in place, I've never felt so defenseless in my life.


But in the end what you did was show me who I am more clearly than I've ever seen before.  It doesn't seem like you did the same, though, and that's what I'm most sorry for. 

And then we start the end

And then we start the end

Day 2 - Your crush

I don't have one of these right now, and I have thought of several possible reasons why:  (1) I have impossibly high standards, (2) I have accepted the fact that crushes are pointless because I'm antisocial and never actually talk to anyone anyway, (3) I am in love with Seth Cohen, and (4) I am a very boring person.  Also there is the possibility that all of this possibilities are true. 

As to why I took several days off from blogging:  I have been contemplating titles for my yet-to-be-written application essay/s, nearly dying of cramps, attending Rosh Hashana services, teaching people how to spell, pretending I am going on a canoeing trip, and going through my shoes. 

God, I can't wait to graduate. 

I tried it your way but I got nothing to show

I tried it your way but I got nothing to show

Day 1 - A letter to your best friend

So:  I've had this challenge saved in a document for awhile now, and the reason I haven't done it is because of this first letter.  This is something that I've mentioned before but never really discussed - I don't have a best friend.  I don't know if I've ever really had a best friend.  I just close myself off to that, to confiding completely in someone else, to trusting someone else without a doubt. 

Which is a problem, I guess.  And another is the fear of being judged, which is something that I'm dealing with.  Trying to deal with.  I dunno.  I never really know, do I?  Maybe that's the problem. 

Love, Natasha