I'm coming home

I'm coming home

1. There is a fly in my room and I swear it's been buzzing around here for the last three nights.  I don't understand how it's not dead yet. 

2. TV makes me ridiculously happy in this way that I can't explain.  I think that's why I love it so much - because it makes me so happy.  That would be such a rewarding life, doing something creative and inspiring and making other people happy. 

3. I think I might actually make it through this year in one piece, if only because my teachers seem to not understand the concept of homework and I'm really, really good at ignoring people I don't want to see me. 

4. That's not to say that I can't feel other things falling apart around me, because I definitely can. 

5. This needs to be a round number.  Feels stable. 

Something something firelight

Something something firelight

I really need to go to bed because I'm exhausted to the point where my eyes won't stop hurting, but my horrible, horrible week has suddenly been made very good, and I wanted to acknowledge in my blog that at least at one point during my senior year did I actually feel happy.  You know, for posterity.  And my parents' sake. 

Not that I actually want to go to school tomorrow.  Also I went to the dentist today, which kind of sucked.  I hate the dentist.  But I love Briana.  She can be my dentist when we're grown up. 

Yeah, weird mood.  Going to bed now.  Can't remember the full song lyric.

Time is always passing by and still I have to wonder why

Time is always passing by and still I have to wonder why

I feel inspired, not really in an artistic way, but more in an all-it-takes-is-one-person sort of way.  I feel like - if I'm unhappy with the way things are, I should change them.  And I know how cheesy that sounds - but that's the philosophy that I want to apply to my life this year, and for the rest of my life.  If I don't like doing this, then why am I doing it?  

And I feel (yes, I've got a lot of feelings) like I've already taken a step toward that by deciding that I don't want to stay here next year, that I want to go somewhere with open-minded people and diversity and individuality (cause if there's one thing my school lacks, it's that; even the indie kids are cliquey) and a whole different atmosphere.  I just hope somewhere like that actually exists outside of my own mind.   

And all the constelations shine down for us to see

And all the constelations shine down for us to see

I was thinking last night, in my usual one a.m. delirium, that maybe someday if I become famous and then die someone will archive all my blog posts and publish them in a book that no one will ever want to read because it lacks scandal and cuss words and relevancy.  Also, anything interesting. 

Today I finished my summer assignments and ran errands in my car, which was difficult as my car is a fickle being, and babysat, and now I'm sitting here gluing things into my notebook and working on a playlist and refreshing tumblr every few minutes.  I love being lazy like this, but I'm kind of glad I'm going to be doing something again.  It makes lazy days more exciting and feel more rewarding. 

I need to go to bed.  Getting up on Wednesday is going to be like washing a cat, or something equally painful and discomforting.  Getting up on Wednesday is going to be like putting contacts in.  Oh, wait, I have to wear contacts on Wednesday, don't I?  Gah.

I used to hover outside my truth

I used to hover outside my truth

I have this inclination right now, or rather a desire, to write a totally self-reflective loosely-worded completely unclear blog post of the kind that I usually write whenever I'm in a horrible mood, but as I'm not in a horrible mood, only a slightly annoyed one, I don't think I can accomplish that.  I'm actually looking forward to this week a little bit, if only because September means that tv shows are coming back.  And, as we all know, "we" being me and the other me and the other other me, tv is my life, and by that I mean my life outside of school and complaining and writing run-on sentences.

Another thing I have:  this unceasing interest in time, in how things remain over time and change over time and how time is manipulated based on the way we see it, feel it.  It's been six, seven months since this thing, thing meaning something specific that either you understand or you don't but it's irrelevant, but I still remember clearly what I said and what was said to me and the way fear feels in the pit of my stomach.  It feels like emotions don't change over time, as time passes.  They slack a little bit, maybe, lose some of their strength, but they're still there.  But that might be just me.  It's probably just me, and my overthinking, over-emotional state.  But it's not really a state, because that makes it sound temporary.  It just is.  It's what it is.

I need... a shoebox to pack last year away in, so I can put it on the top shelf of my closet and not look at it for a while.  Come June I'm going to pack away the last four years ans set them aside for a little while.  Maybe high school's like wine and it gets better with age.  I... am indifferent, almost.  There's very little I want to hold on from these past four years, and I know it's going to be hard.  This is premature anti-nostalgia.  Well, I always knew I was crazy.  Shouldn't be news to you either.