In some forgotten space where the envy and the hate swim around in figure eights

In some forgotten space where the envy and the hate swim around in figure eights

I think I'm getting sick and I feel absolutely dreadful, which I just wrote in a British accent, in case you couldn't tale.  I'm done with gen 1 of "Skins" and it's breaking my heart because Cassie ran away to New York and Chris' dad won't let his friends come to the funeral but they crashed it and Sid followed Cass to New York and isn't it funny that two of my favorite characters ever are named Sidney?

I just rewatched the finale of "The OC" and it made me so happy even though I feel ridiculous, and it made me sad too but not as sad as "Skins" did, and tomorrow I'm painting my nails and getting my hair cut and hopefully going to formal, unless I wake up feeling like I'm dying, but I really hope that doesn't happen because I really love my dress.  Today I drove home alone and sang along to "Who Owns My Heart", which my sister doesn't let me do because she hates Miley, which I think is due more to a lack of exposure than actual hate, which bothers me because I think you have to experience something to really have an opinion about it.  But anyhow it made me happy despite feeling gross and all this stupid stress and the apps I still have to finish and everything else. I hate when people ask me to defend the things that make me happy.   

I should go to sleep now because I don't think I've made any sense and I all I've done is fall in love with Sidneys and use a lot of commas.  I do like commas but only sometimes not always.

Maybe you had her, maybe you lost her to another

Maybe you had her, maybe you lost her to another

There's a guy at school who looks exactly like Sid, beanie and squarish nerdy glasses and ironic t-shirts, only he's a redhead.  But he's still Sid to me and every time I see him I can't help but wonder what he's thinking, and I can't help but romanticize it and think that he's thinking wonderful thoughts.  I have this habit of rooting for the underdogs and the quiet ones, always, because they're the ones that you can't ever read, the ones that are probably thinking the most amazing things that the rest of us could never even understand.  A part of me wishes I knew Redheaded Sid, so I could find out what's inside his head, but then there's a part of me that likes that I'll probably never know him, because he might cuss a lot at inappropriate times or he might hate the Beatles or he might smoke, or whatever.  He might be someone not at all like who I imagine him to be.

Tomorrow is Wednesday, which is halfway through the first week of break.  I'm not sure of the date exactly, or how many days there are until Christmas, because I don't keep track of that and don't really care.  It's still raining and all the days look the same and I actually sort of miss the sun, but I want it to stay like this forever.

You and I will fly out of this town

You and I will fly out of this town

I don't know what to say right now or even what to think, and I think I'm in way over my head and I'm beyond my depths and I'm trying to make a new cd for my car but nothing sounds right to me right now.  If things were the way I want them to be, or think I want them to be, I'd text you and tell you about how I've never liked "The Goofy Movie" and how I think I'm going to end up like Holden and that when I’m sitting at my desk in class I know you're behind me and to the right a bit even though I can't see you.   

I'm feeling restless again, which is typical for me, I guess, and I want to change, change everything and dye my hair and run away to somewhere beautiful, but of course I can't, because that's not who I am or who I've ever been. It all comes down to me being real and not fictional and not a dynamic character and not someone who people notice because I'm just too damn scared to speak up.  To you I'm nothing and I don't expect anything more than that because I'm not the type to make things happen for myself.  

I've been listening to the same two songs on repeat for the last two days, and there's no rhyme or reason to it so far as I can tell, and I wish we could just be without any rhyme or reason.  There's no rhyme or reason to anything in my head anymore, but for some reason I don't think you'd care.  Tomorrow I'll see you again and I probably won't speak to you but that's okay, because a part of me still believes in the idea that everything will work out for the best someday.     

Ooh baby baby it's a wild world

Ooh baby baby it's a wild world

I've finished the first season of "Skins" and I'm heartbroken and I know that there's got to be something wrong with me since I care more about fictional characters than I do the people I know in real life, and now I'm sitting here and putting off starting the second season and I'm trying to define "loneliness" and I wonder if I make myself feel this way and that way or if it's just the way that things are.  I'm in one of those moods where I just want to drink hot chocolate and wear a giant sweater and lounge around in the Gryffindor common room even though I'm a Ravenclaw, and I want to watch sad movies and write my stupid novel with its stupid fictional dreams, but then I guess all dreams are fictional, aren't they?

I'm tired of school and pointless work and all the minutes every day that I spend waiting for someone to do something, for the teacher to start class or for the bell to ring or for someone to show up or for the hands on the clock to reach 9:30 so I can feel like it isn't too early to go to bed.  I put on my new shoes tonight and they hurt my feet right away.  They're so cute, but I feel like not forcing myself to wear them just because they're cute is something that fits in with my life philosophy, or at least the philosophy that I've been trying to make my life philosophy, which is basically "fuck it", and so if the shoes hurt and make my toes cramp up then I'm not going to wear them. 

I just don't want to disappoint anyone.

There's no light that's left to shine

There's no light that's left to shine

Tumblr is broken and it's left me frustrated and bored, and I've been watching "Skins", and I'm five or six episodes in, I think I've lost count, and Sid/Cassie break my heart.  I think it's that he's so oblivious and she's so lovely but she's out of it as well, in a Luna sort of way, and she says "wow" all the time and he always wears that stupid hat, and I know in the end they're going to end up together because they have to and it's tv and plus I read the wikipedia article, but for now I feel like a teenage girl and I want to bury myself in this and the movies I got for Chanukah tonight and all these fictional characters, because a lot of the time it seems like they're more reliable than the non-fictional ones, especially now, as this month is long and the weather's strange and there are things that I don't want to be doing but I know I ought to do, and my thoughts keep on tumbling out of my head in these run-on sentences that end up in English essays and result in less-than-perfect scores. 

I'm tired, I suppose, that's all it is really, and I want it to be winter break already, and I wish I knew what to say to you when you tell me something about that boy you like, etc. etc., and I wish that what I say could at least once at some point actually be right.