If you could see me now

If you could see me now

It seems like the most eventful part of my day is when I'm walking to my locker by myself after 6th period.  Whenever I'm walking alone, I go into this sort of meditative trance where I'm not really paying attention to where I'm going because my feet are on autopilot.  This is actually sort of unsafe, because I'm frequently nearly killed by bicyclists, stupid sophomores, and benches.

Today on the way to my locker, I was walking about ten feet away from everyone around me.  All of a sudden a kid came up behind me and said, "the sun is shining."  I looked up, and the sun was most obviously not shining.  So I was still contemplating my encounter with a tiny weather-challenged sophomore when I turned a corner and heard my name.  I turned around and saw nothing, so I turned to the right, and saw a giant bundle of birthday balloons.  And then I walked three feet forward, and there was Campbell's, waving at me.  So I said "hey!" and felt awkward and kept walking.   

Then I heard my name again and spun to the right, where Taco was walking with his adorable girlfriend.  So I said "hi!" and felt awkward and attempted not to trip when I started walking again.  A minute or so later, I got stuck behind a group of extremely slow-moving sophomores and listened to them talk about absolutely nothing until I could get around them.

When I finally got to my locker, someone nearly hit me with his bike.  I hate bikes.   

I can't wait till I can graduate and go to college and spend all day indoors reading and not watch where I'm walking.  I wish I had a tall person to walk in front of me all the time.  Then everyone would just move out of my way. 

Also, the worst advice I've ever given:  butterflies are good.
You'll be fine.  :)

Oh things are gonna happen naturally

Oh things are gonna happen naturally

Things on my mind aujourd'hui:

1. I keep thinking about how you were the splinter in my life.  I've been thinking in extended metaphors and French lately, for some reason.  Tu es l'eclat dans ma vie.  You got so deeply ingrained into my life, so far in that it hurt more to pull you out then it might've to leave you be.  And now I have a scar that I know won't fade quickly.

2. I guess I have something like the opposite of a superiority complex.  My mom says I underestimate myself too much.  But this is different - this isn't my weight or my test scores or my French speaking ability.  This is you (the largely encompassing but not general you that is in this case referring to Gigit, Taco, etc.) and me, and how you're so much cooler than me, in all senses of the word besides temperature.  This is how I feel so inferior - not dumber but maybe more naive or less exposed or just younger.  This is how I feel like I'm the annoying tag along.  And this is silly - because this makes me avoid you, and it shouldn't, because if you didn't want me around - I'd know, wouldn't I?

3. I love the word gone.  And the word word.  And numbered lists and using too many conjunctions and days when I don't see people I dislike.

4. I have a really hard time believing in love in high school.  But then I see it right in front of me, or what people think it is.  I don't know - I'm such a cynic these days.  But how can you fully commit to someone else when you can't even commit to yourself?  I don't think we're mature enough for love yet.  (And I also think that anyone who asserts that they are mature enough probably isn't mature at all.)

5. Sometimes really gorgeous or relevant-to-my-life things come up in my tumblr dashboard and then I'm sad that I can't put them in blog posts because they're from flickr.

6. I've been thinking lately about this idea, this philosophy I suppose, of this is your life, be who you want to be.  And that applies to so many things - dress how you want to dress and do the things you want to do but also act the way you want to act.  Treat others the way you want to treat others, and - I think it applies to personality.  Only to a certain extent, of course.  But sometimes I see people, and I wonder, is that really how you want to be?  I try to be who I want to be - but I guess it's hard sometimes.  Self-doubt, self-contempt.  Too much self. 

7. I think this picture was cropped awkwardly. 

And I'm so damn tired

And I'm so damn tired

Hi there.

You don't know me.  I guess I don't really know you either.  I see you around sometimes, between classes or at lunch, and you remind me how much high school is... high school.  We've got the quirky kids, the nerds, the cheerleaders, the drama geeks.  The quiet ones who think they're being all deep with their blogs that no one reads.

Today disappointed me.  It just made it clear to me that those stereotypes are true, the ones about high school and cliques and popular kids and not-so-popular kids.  I feel like we're missing out on something, a sense of camaraderie, maybe, that our parents' generation had.  Despite our tools of constant communication, we don't really know each other, we're so distant, segregated, almost. Our friendships are so different from the friendships that our parents formed however many years ago. A bad different, I think. 

So I envy you, if you're one of those lucky ones who's managed to develop and keep close friendships despite stupid high school.  And I think you have, because I think you're the sort of person who can keep the good ones around and the bad ones away. 

Anyhow, I want to say that I'm sorry that things didn't work out for you, but I don't think you mind too much.  But that's an assumption - I make those a lot.  Everyone does, I guess.  Maybe that's the problem.  We all assume we know each other, while we're all secretly thinking that we're so unique no one could ever understand.  So in that way we're all the same.

But mostly I'm sorry that I'll never know you, or you or you or you, because we're all locked into the way things are now, the friends we have now, the lunch spots we've had since freshman year.  So afraid to change, push people away, make new friends.   

Hey Mr. Nally

Hey Mr. Nally

Everything was fine today.  The entire day was fine and then I came home and did my math homework and talked to my mom and I just sort of sunk into this funk.  I cause my own problems - I know that.  But I don't know how to stop. 

The things that usually make me feel better - watching "10 Things I Hate About You", listening to Jason Mraz - don't seem to be working tonight.  I'm just downloading fonts and not working on Hamlet and thinking I should go to bed early tonight.  Talking to Michael and thinking I should be studying.  Wanting to draw with colored pens even though I can't draw and thinking I should clean my room.  Wants and shoulds and just plain old can'ts. 

This just made me really happy.  I wish I had someone to share my love of "Hook" with.  But since I don't I can just share this video with everyone.    

I won't worry my life away

I won't worry my life away

Last night was the Cord Progression concert for Life Rolls On, featuring Jason Mraz.  I'm pretty sure I've established by now that I'm a control freak.  I like things to run smoothly and work out.  Last night, they seemed to, at first at least.  Everyone arrived at my house on time, and we got in the car at 6:16, which was only a minute later than the time I was aiming for.  We got dropped in the parking structure underneath the theater and then followed some strangers up the stairs.  Then I got out my passport and my credit card and we got in line to go inside.

But then the worst happened.  One of the sets of tickets got canceled on my card - automatically by Ticketmaster, without me receiving any kind of notification that this had occurred.  I only had four tickets, but I had eight people with me who wanted to go see Jason.  The lady at the door sent us to the box office, where the woman at the window told me there was nothing they could do because the concert was completely sold out.  It was one of the scariest moments of my life - I was imagining giving up my ticket and just leaving and letting four of the other girls go in, and I was talking to my mom on the phone and she wasn't telling me what to do, and everyone was staring at me wondering what was going on.  It was absolutely terrifying.  But thank God for Dynahlee, who asked to see a supervisor, and Sharon, who told the supervisor that we were teenagers who had no way of getting home.  And then the supervisor sold us tickets.  She was going to give us two sets of two in the wheelchair section - but then, as luck would have it, she found four seats in row 10.   

Yeah, ROW TEN.  We shuffled around the tickets a bit, and I felt horrible for Ellie and Sharon and Jen and Simone for ending up with row twenty-six, but HOLY SHIT ROW TEN.  The concert was absolutely amazing.  The opening acts were the Makepeace Brothers and Bushwalla, and both were great.  Jesse Billauer, the founder of Life Rolls On, also spoke for a bit and showed a bunch of videos about the organization, which is so amazing and inspirational and it makes me so happy knowing that there are people like that in the world. 

When Jason finally came out sometime between 9:30 and 10:00, Jane and Sharon were falling asleep, but they woke up right away.  He played a bunch of new songs, including one that he'd just finished that day.  I'm so lucky to have been one of the first people to get to hear it.  And he played my favorites - "Dynamo of Volition" and "You and I Both."  Despite the fact that we were several times one of the few groups standing in the theater and the people behind us actually left because of it, it was amazing.  The music was beautiful and Jason was funny and it was so, so, so much fun.    

Also Sharon saw Selena Gomez sitting in our row and freaked out, thereby ruining her indie image.  And we had a bit of a camera malfunction when Simone was trying to take our picture with the Makepeace Brothers, but it's okay because the resulting video is hilarious.  The whole night was basically a comedy of errors.  But it all turned out fantastically, and I'm so glad I had the chance to go.  <3    

Go on, make a mountain out of air

Go on, make a mountain out of air

Today was one of the most stressful afternoons I've had in a long time.  My history teacher does not know how to communicate.  And today was not the best either.  I hate that I let other people affect my mood.  I can be perfectly happy and smiling and carefree, but if one of my friends is feeling grumpy or angry or is acting bitchy, then I get annoyed and mimic the way that she's feeling.  What I hate even more is that I know that I do this, but I can't control it.  The more I think about it, the more frustrated I get, and then I just end up snapping at everyone who says anything to me.    

I keep typing and backspacing and typing and backspacing.  How is it that I have nothing to say tonight?  I guess it's because I know what I'm thinking - it's weird that my mom doesn't like one of my friends, I think certain people should be nicer, I think freshman girls should check the weather before they get dressed in the morning - but I can't really put it out on the internet for whoever to see.  That's the weird thing about blogging - I don't blog for you, I blog for me, but it's hard to blog for me when I have to sort of censor myself.  Oh, wait, here's something I can say:  I don't want your facebook group invitations.  Yes, you, I mean you.      

Tomorrow is Friday.  All I have to worry about is the drivers test.  And then I'm home-free, or whatever the expression is, for the weekend.  Two days til Jason Mraz!  I had an impromptu dance party to "Dynamo of Volition" about a half hour ago.  He always manages to turn my crappy days around.  :) 

If this little light of mine combined with yours today

If this little light of mine combined with yours today

How many watts could we illuminate?  How many villages could we save?

I am in a surprisingly good mood right now despite the fact that I've used up an entire box of tissues in the last four hours and have a headache and have to read Hamlet.  I'm listening to Jason Mraz and getting more and more excited for Saturday by the second and smiling because Jason Mraz is adorable.  I finished all my homework for tomorrow a few hours ago and I already did a bunch of stuff that's due on Friday and I'm overusing the word "and" but Jason is amazing, so it's okay.  I don't think he'd mind.

Things I am looking forward to in the future:
1. Saturday!  Jason Mraz concert!
2. Alex is visiting?  I'm not sure when exactly.  Sometime in March, I believe?  Ellie and I are going to kidnap him and take him to Disneyland.
3.  Spring break.  France!  Five weeeeeeks!
4. The week after AP tests.  I'm not too excited for the week of - but the week after.  Yessssssss.
5. My birthday.  And then summer!  And then VidCon!  And then a bunch of weeks of blissful free time!  And then senior year.  But I can deal with that.



I can't believe it's only the beginning of the week.  Go by quickly, please?

The boy's gone home

The boy's gone home

3:30 PM
Yee gads.  This is complicated.

4:57 PM
If I don't take the initiative, no one will.  If I don't step forward with a plan, nothing will get planned.  If I don't set the dates and times, then nothing will be official.  If I don't organize the rides, then no one will be at the right place at the right time.  I hate that.

I'm not doing this anymore.  Someone else can plan.  I'll sit at home for the rest of my high school career without a social life.  When you're the one in charge, then you're the one who has to take the blame when something goes wrong.  You're the one who has to accept everyone else's anger.  You're the one who has to come up with a solution that makes everyone happy.  I don't want to be the person that has to deal with all that.  Not anymore.

I want to say that this is out of my hands; things are the way they are and there's nothing I can do about it.  But I could do something.  Unfortunately, no matter what I do, someone is going to be upset.  Probably two someones.  And that count doesn't include me.   And because of that, I don't want to do anything. 

I've officially relinquished my duty as group event planner.  Someone else can have it.  How do people do this for a living and stay sane?

5:25 PM
Ellie:  I think you  should start wearing turbans.
Me:  What?  Why?
Ellie:  I like turbans.  I'll wear one with you. 
Me:  Do you have voldemort on the back of your head?

5:28 PM
My suction-cup leprachaun from Ireland just popped off of my mirrored closet door.  It's now lying on the ground, flat on its back, looking dejected and dead. 

5:41 PM
Ellie:  Our feathers will let us fly.

5:51 PM
Well then.

7:35 PM
Listening to Jason Mraz.  Wishing he could fix everyone elses' problems too.  Hoping he plays all my favorite songs on Saturday.  Wondering what's wrong with the CD player in Michael's car.  Thinking it's too early to go to sleep.

9:20 PM
Still not being the event planner anymore.

You're the best definition of good intention

You're the best definition of good intention

Sometimes it feels even worse to be right than it does to be wrong.
I feel like one of those girls from Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul right now.
I can't talk about this on here.

Why is the heater on so fricking high?
ricking
frisking
tricking
flicking
cricking
Firefox likes to correct my spelling.

I want to go back to then.