I've never been so lost I've never felt so much at home

I've never been so lost I've never felt so much at home

I think, somewhere in this mess of a brain of mine, that you've got to believe in love to buy into Taylor Swift, and I guess that means that I'm much less a cynic than most people.  Or maybe you've just got to admit that you believe in love.  Why's it so hard to admit that we're not as cynical as people think we are?

I lost one of my green doggie socks in the wash tonight and it was the one that had the doggies that look like Georgie and Georgie's getting old and that scares me so, so, so much because he's been there as long as I can remember, and how do people deal with that?  With death, with loss, with gone, with ends, with crying and moving on and smiling and pretending and being a person?

I just want my goddamn socks back.

Barely strapped in for this air conditioned drive

Barely strapped in for this air conditioned drive

Here's one more post for before it's November.  I think October might be one of my favorite months.  Last night was the Lady Danville/Lenka/Jack's Mannequin concert and I was in the front row and it was amazing and fantastic and gorgeous and I wish I could live it over and over again.  Right now I should go to sleep but I don't want to, so I'm going to write about how my mom is coming for parents' weekend on Friday, and about how she's going to take me and Em and Rache and Kev out for breakfast on Saturday.  Tuesday is my bio midterm and I'm trying not to stress because that won't really do me any good, and it's going to start getting really cold soon and I need a warmer coat, and I think someone who lives above my just dumped something out the window.

Tomorrow:  breakfast, bio, dinner, more bio, sleep, Monday.

We'd waste our weeks beneath the sun

We'd waste our weeks beneath the sun

So basically I've done absolutely nothing this week besides read a few chapters of The Odyssey and go to the movies once.  And I continued that trend today and I'm not even thinking about anything very interesting right now so I'm not sure what I'm going to write, but I promised myself that I would anyway.  There is something going on outside my window and it's loud and sounds vaguely like construction, which is ridiculous considering it's 10 o'clock and can't be the workers on the freeway because it's too close.

Okay, so what I'm thinking right now is - is the frozen food section different in Britain?  I feel like that's a dead giveaway in writing, a way to let your readers know that you're crap and they should just give up now - when your setting feels unauthentic.  Or when your characters stay stupid things or use cliches that no one ever uses or behave too well.  How do you make what you're writing feel real?  Or at least not completely ridiculous.

I think I need to start school now.  I need a routine and other things to think about besides Odysseus and stupid romcoms on Netflix.

Come on write me a song give me something to trust

Come on write me a song give me something to trust

I've figured out my Annie Hall outfit, which is basically my mother's pants and a tie and a hat, and it's really unattractive but I'm actually excited for this presentation, if only because I love this movie and want everyone else to love it too.  Which of course is naive, because I don't think "nerd" is an insult and I like The Shipping News and basically I don't think my brain works the same way everyone else's does.

Here is a picture from prom, which was fun and kind of gross and awkward but still fun.  Now I have a dress that I will never have an opportunity to wear again.  I'm really glad I never have to go to a high school dance ever again, because, in case it wasn't clear before, they really are not my thing.

I will write you a lullaby

I will write you a lullaby

In the last week I achieved an A in math and went through my magazine collection, and I can't decide which of those is a bigger accomplishment. I bought new boots and I love them, and I cleaned my room, and I have three new teachers this semester, and I saw "Hair" last weekend, and basically I've been all over the place.  I've been watching coverage of the situation in Egypt on the news and I've been watching people more than I usually do, maybe, and I'm trying so hard to not stereotype the stoner kid in my gov class as a stoner because there's got to be more to him than that.  I had to write down three things about myself today and it was surprisingly difficult, because even though there's so much of me in my head and in my notebooks and on the walls of my room, it's so hard to slim it down into sentences, straight facts, and write it on an index card. 

"Pretty Little Liars" annoys me because I think teachers are teachers and should be teachers, and I'm cold cold cold cold cold, and tonight I took a ten-minute nap on the sofa before dinner and I haven't been sleeping at night because I've been watching too many episodes of "Bones" lately.  I should go to sleep right now but I'm nearly done with Never Let Me Go and so I'd like to finish it tonight even though I'm feeling a bit disappointed with it, or at least with the talk that I heard about it because as of yet it hasn't broken my heart.  I want it to.  I haven't read a good book in such a long time.  Maybe this weekend I'll go to the bookstore and read for hours. 

There's a lot that I'm still learning

There's a lot that I'm still learning

Day 09 - A picture of what you had for lunch

Cute, huh?

My friends made me cookies and bought me spontaneously bursting balloons.  It was a good day.  I never have anything to say on good days, do I?  Unless I'm making lists of things I love.  But I think I've worn that out lately. 

Okay, wait, thought - conversations that are just arguments over who's prettier are stupid.  So are arguments over who's smarter and who's taller and who's whatever.  I hate that we're so used to comparing ourselves to others constantly that it's just second nature. 

Okay, no way.  I can not think about NaNoWriMo yet.  Don't make me think about this yet, Joplin. 

Okay, I am only slightly annoyed at myself for starting three paragraphs in a row with "okay."  But it doesn't matter because this isn't a school paper and it's almost summer summer summer.

I'm waiting for the enemy

I'm waiting for the enemy

I don't know how to put this into words, this feeling of absolute dread and terror and unhappiness and hatred and confusion and anger and bitterness and embarrassment and sadness and hurt.  I don't believe in best friends but all I want right now is someone to tell all of this to, someone who's not going to judge me or expect better from me or doubt me or question me or tell me that I'm wrong or say that everything's going to be okay.  I just don't know what to do any more, what to say, how to make this better.  I don't want to excuse myself anymore.  I don't want to say oh I'm just being over-dramatic, oh don't bother with me.  I don't want to deny myself what I want because that makes other people feel better.

I don't believe in best friends.  Because people judge you and people are opinionated and people can't just shut up and listen to what someone else has to say.  And I focus on faults and I mess things up and I can't keep good things going for long enough.  But you can make me laugh and with you none of the crap matters and thank you for that.  You don't know about this, about any of this - although I think you know more than you let on - and that's the way I like it.  You can't know, because I'm not comfortable.  Not in this house or in these clothes or in this school or with these friends.  Not even with you.  I wish you could fix that.  I wish someone, anyone can fix that.      

I want to get in a hot air balloon and fly away, up and away, far away from here and all this gossip and anger and frustration and talk of the future.  What about now?  What about the way I feel right now?  I guess it doesn't matter since I can't even describe it to myself.

I swear it's not me, it's just someone I used to know

I swear it's not me, it's just someone I used to know

Today was completely stressful and frustrating and sixth period always has this way of putting me in such a bad mood that I get in a fight with my mom on the way home  from school and don't speak to her for an hour.  At least I finished the script for our history video; now I'm just panicking that it's not long enough.  But I can't wait for these next few weeks to be over.  All these last-minute projects are only creating added stress.  And I'm taking the SAT tomorrow.  Yippee.  I should go to bed soon.

But first:  can someone please explain to me the difference between "what the fuck" and "what the actual fuck"?  This is completely unnecessary added emphasis.  I absolutely hate modern slang.  I hate it.  And I hate how easy it is for us to rewrite the dictionary like it's nothing at all.  Words are precious.

Okay, that made no sense.  I am so tired, and there are pieces of really brown apple on my desk from my morning snack that I never ate.  Dear future self:  do not attempt to write movie scripts because you suck.  Also, I hope you didn't fail the SAT and got into a good college and didn't totally hate it and drop out like you did with OCHSA cause that would suck.  Also, you should go to bed early, not just plan on going to bed early and then not actually do it.     

As I'm cutting through you track by track

As I'm cutting through you track by track

So lately my days have consisted of about twelve-hundred zillion mood swings combined with technological difficulties and procrastination and an overwhelming amount of paper equal in size to every piece of homework I've completed in the past nine months.  Things are feeling extremely overwhelming lately, with college research and dropping grades and sudden facebook honesty.  Did you know my sister reads MLIA?  I had no idea my sister reads MLIA.  I also had no idea she was building a roller coaster in science class.  She lives across the hall from me and I have to find out what's going on in her life through reading her blog.

Reading her blog.  Is this girl me?  I was trying to explain this to my mom the other day and she thought I was offended that my sister was copying me.  But I don't really think that's what's going on.  I think.  Although she has been dressing like me lately...

I have no idea where this is going.  I swear this morning I was walking along between first and second periods - that's when I get all my best pensive thinking done, then or between third and fourth periods -  and I can't even continue this sentence because it just occurred to me that the phrase "pensive thinking" is extremely redundant. 

I swear I am losing my mind.  I say "I swear" too much.  I'm taking the SAT on Saturday.  Today I made a rose out of duck tape.  I gave my personalized copy of Looking for Alaska to Michael to read and I'm scared for its life.  My nail polish is chipped and it's driving me crazy. 

Oh, wait.  I was going to blog about how horrible the Vietnam War was.  Too late now.  I guess that's kind of an overused topic anyway.  
 

Don't panic, there simply is no need

Don't panic, there simply is no need

Today was the longest day ever, besides the days at Yale last summer and the days in France last month.  I got home around 5 o'clock and I ate mint chip ice cream.  Then an hour and a half later I ate dinner.  I faked my math homework and now I'm sitting here zoning out and looking at pretty pictures on tumblr like I always do when there's something I should be doing that I don't want to be doing.  Only right now there isn't exactly that sort of something.



That's why I starting watching "Glee", performances like that.  Of course I just watched that completely out of context so I have no idea who Finn's referring to or why Rachel looks so awkward.  But this weekend I might actually have time to catch up.  Ah.  :)

These videos are too big for my blog but I want to post them anyway.  Oh well.

So this is the first verse

So this is the first verse

Sometimes I feel like life is this big giant chain of deja vu, of hey-wait-this-was-yesterday.  Like a big repetitive cycle of someone tells me something I don't want to know -> I feel weird about it -> I don't know if I can keep it a secret but I have to anyway -> I question why other people think I can keep secrets -> I keep the secret for a week and then forget about it until someone brings it up months later and I'm like, wait you know about that?

Jeez.  I need a warning label.  "Don't trust Natasha with your crap because she might allude to it in her blog and then everyone will guess what you told her and then she'll get mad and you'll get mad and everyone will be mad!"

Stupid high school.   

It started feeling like October

It started feeling like October

What  a really good Sunday consists of:

1. Staying up until 12:30 AM because you're waiting for someone to get online and tell you their really good news.
2. Waking up at 7 AM to shower and get dressed and go pick up Alison to drive in the car for a really long time to
3. Attend a panel with John Green and David Levithan at the LA Times Book Festival.  And then
4. Getting your books and bobble head signed by John and David and 
5. Not saying something totally stupid and 
6. Going to eat lunch and 
7. Walking around for a while before getting back in the car and driving for a really long time before
8. Going to an art history review session followed by
9. Meeting with your math tutor.
10. Coming home and eat dinner and 
11. Having absolutely no homework left to do because you did it all on Saturday like a good little girl.  

I had that dream again where I was lost for good in outer space

I had that dream again where I was lost for good in outer space

You know what?
At least my shoes don't have holes in them.
At least I know when to be quiet.
At least I can keep my Harry Potter characters straight.

Only two more months till summer.
Only fifteen more months till college.
At least then I'll never have to see you again.
At least then I won't have to hear what you're saying behind my back.
At least then I'll be free from worry about which promises you're keeping
and
which ones
you're not.

"Oh my God, this hurts like hell
I had that dream again where
I was lost for good in outer space
Tell me, doctor, how to shake
A waking nightmare that is only
Worse when I am sleeping

Kill the messenger
I swear it's not me
It's just someone I used to know
And get to church cause you're a good girl
And he never told you that
And all I need from you
Could be the thing that
Leaves us both up here forever
I'm gonna send a little rain your way
I'm gonna send a little rain...

It's not so easy, caving in
I walked by your apartment twice today
While you were gone at work
And all the colors got so down
It's not as cold out here
But come quick, I am losing feeling."

As I'm swimming through the stereo

As I'm swimming through the stereo

I'm leaving tomorrow morning really really early and I still have to get some stuff together and finish the cds for my pen pal qui s'appelle Clotilde, mais I wanted to continue my blogging-every-day-in-March thing.  Since I'm going to be behind on BEDA when I finally start, I figured I should at least do that. 

Michael: 

omg if it rains this week

there might be turbulence for you tomorrow

Me:  

shutup

Michael: 

ok well if you watched lost then you would be prepared

but really...tin can over the rainbow

hold onto gabi

she floats

Icandothis.

Big hearts are for breaking

Big hearts are for breaking

I had a good day today.  A good day to follow a good weekend.  I'm hoping for good days for the rest of the week.

  "Forever is composed of nows."

- John Green

You hold me down, you've got me living in the past

You hold me down, you've got me living in the past

Sometimes people say amazing things to me and I have to write them down: 

oh welll

you lost a friend

she lost a friend

i ate a friend

circle of life

This has been the worst week ever.  I feel like I'm back in 8th grade, following the standard reactions to conflict:

1. Get defensive.

2. Get angry.

3. Run away and cry.

4. Think of all the things I should've said instead of getting defensive.  

5. Cry some more.

"I say all the right things
At exactly the right time
But I mean nothing to you and I don't know why
And I don't know why."

-- "Everything You Want," Vertical Horizon

So why is it that my guy friends are giving me better advice than my mom and my girl friends right now?  

Mom:  I don't know what you should do.  

Me:  Thanks.

Mom:  Let me think about it.

That's the scariest thing ever - when your mom won't tell you what to do, because she doesn't know herself.  

I'm dragging everyone into this.  

I'm sorry.

I wish I was Franklin the Turtle and I could just crawl into my shell and hide away from the world.

I should title this "look at her friends they're slowly edging away."

But I've used that one already. 

Not sure I like this center alignment thing.  What do you think?

Sometimes perfection can be perfect hell

Sometimes perfection can be perfect hell

Overheard today
Guy 1:  Dude, I'm so hungry!
Guy 2:  I'm SO cold!
Guy 1:  I could like eat a small child!
Guy 2:  What is up with the fucking weather, man?

I feel absolutely horrible right now.  I've used up more than an entire box of tissues tonight.  I haven't studied for my math test and I've barely studied for physics.  But I feel like crap and I just want to go to sleep.  The grading period ends this week and my grades are going to suck and I just want to go to sleep.  This has been the worst week ever, and it's barely half over.

I have all this stuff floating around in my head about honesty and values and whatnot, but I'm too tired right now.  Tomorrow, yes?  Or maybe this weekend.  Again:  worst week ever.  

I'm slipping into the airwaves

I'm slipping into the airwaves

Thoughts/Actions:

1. I wrote today.  Not anything particular and not anything good, but I was walking to math class and I got this phrase stuck in my head - I was thinking about how I want to be like JD Salinger, alone and left alone to be alone - and so I wrote it down.  But then I gave it to Bouclée because it was my turn to right her a note and I felt bad that I hadn't.  (Can I have it back, please?) 

2. I always think that my name is unique until I see someone else that has it.  I just came across an artist with the first name Natasha on twitter, and whenever I hear someone yell "Natasha!" or "Tash!" or "Tasha!" at school, I always think they're calling me, and then I turn and they're not and I look stupid.

3. The VidCon schedule is out, and holy crap.  I can't handle this much nerdiness in one room.  I'm not going to be able to keep my fangirly nature hidden for very long.

4. There is such a thing as expressing too many opinions.  Sometimes people just need to shut up.  Like, "her boyfriend looks gay."  Um, I'm pretty sure he's not.    


5. I shouldn't read the horoscopes that aren't mine.  I shouldn't read "Your friend has a secret she needs to spill, but she's afraid she'll freak you out.  You can guess what it is, but you haven't wanted to pry.  On the 6th, Mercury will urge you to get her talking." and automatically assume that I'm the friend with the secret.  But I will be in France on April 6th without a Sagittarius.  So I'm not going to be pestered to spill, right?  (My April horoscope, by the way, says I will be taking my look to the next level and I should go party-hopping to show it off.  Also, my crush will love it.)

6. I hate liars.  Lying is like saying, "oh hey I don't trust you enough to tell you something that's really important."  That's what hurts me the most - knowing someone has no confidence in me and won't trust me with their secrets but keeps me around anyhow.  (And yes, I know, I've established myself as a horrible secret-keeper.  That's not the point.)  These aren't necessarily big secrets I'm talking about, anyhow.  These are 6th grade secrets.

7. I wish we weren't so reliant on forming relationships via the internet.  Not that there is anything wrong withh online friends - but I'm more comfortable with some of my good friends online than I am in real life.  I'm too dependent on the internet, instant messaging and email and facebook, for sharing bad news and good news and whatnot.  No wonder I'm so socially awkward.

8. Actually, I make my own life awkward.  I talk too much or not enough, and I share what I shouldn't share and don't share what I should.  And cliques are stupid, not that that's at all relevant in any way.

9. My dad is turning 50 in a few weeks.  And my momsy's already 50.  It's so weird to think about that.  I was just helping my mom with party invitation wording - "a half-century."  Damn.  I really hope my dad starts taking better care of himself. 

10. This is proof that writing a blog post over several hours is not always successful.  My mood has gone downhill since dinnertime, and now here it is for everyone to see.  I wish I was one of those always happy people.  I admire those people so much.

You haven't come this far to fall off the earth

You haven't come this far to fall off the earth

Despite the fact that I did horribly on my English final and my grade (and therefore my GPA) is currently hanging in the balance, here is a list of the things that I love right now:
1. John Mayer lyrics
2. Emma Watson
3. The outrageously magnificent things that Andrew McMahon thinks up
4. Sleeping in
5. Singing at the top of my lungs when no one else is home
6. Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen
7. Lists
8. My friends
9. Pretty pictures
10. New Purses
My grade's already gone up.  :)

I found a tidal wave begging to tear down the dawn

I found a tidal wave begging to tear down the dawn

I stole this from Kate, who stole it from somebody else.

Deer: May 21 – Jun 20

This Native American animal symbol is the muse of the zodiac. The Deer is inspiring lively and quick-witted. With a tailor-made humor, the Deer has a tendency to get a laugh out of anyone. Excellent ability for vocalizing, the Deer is a consummate conversationalist. This combined with his/her natural intelligence make the Deer a must-have guest at dinner parties. Always aware of his/her surroundings, and even more aware of his/her appearance, the Deer can be a bit self-involved. However, the Deer’s narcissism is overlooked because of his/her congeniality and affability. In a supportive environment the Deer’s natural liveliness and sparkly personality radiate even more. He/she is an inspiring force in any nurturing relationship. Left to his/her own devices the Deer can be selfish, moody, impatient, lazy, and two-faced.

I think it sounds like me.

The weather we're having right now is outrageous. I love the rain - when I'm inside. But walking around in the rain is miserable, especially when people hit you with their umbrellas and stand in the middle of crowded breezeways to talk to their friends, or in the middle of pathways to wait for their friends. Usually the only way around is through puddles or through the rain, and either way, it's wet. I hate being wet.



My dog fell asleep on the floor of my bedroom and she was making little dreaming squeaks until my mom took her out a minute ago. I love puppies. And I love love love love love this song. It's just amazing and I keep listening to it over and over. The beauty in art is just... indescribable. I know that makes no sense... people amaze me. Yep.

That's why I want to visit Europe. I'm learning about all these amazing paintings and sculptures and huge Gothic churches in art history, and to be able to go there and experience everything in person... just, wow.

I'm using a lot of dotdotdots tonight. Ellipses? Yeah, I think that's what they're called.

Tomorrow's Friday. :)