Through the woods we riiiiiiiiide

Through the woods we riiiiiiiiide

There is potentially some wrong with my brain, isn't that where they've traced depression to?  Something wrong with the chemical balance in my brain.  I don't know.  I don't know if I'm actually depressed.  I don't know anything right now, except that I'm sad and I cry too much and today I sat on the grass for 45 minutes and moved every few minutes as the sun moved.  I don't want to be in the shade anymore.  I don't want to be cold anymore.

Today I did something really risky and dumb and very un-Natasha-like, and I probably shouldn't have done it but it's too late now and for some reason I'm not worried about it, though I probably should be.  I should be working on one of my three papers right now.  I should be reading for Friday.  There are lots of things I should be doing.  That's what I hate most about this place.  There's always something not that I could be doing, but that I should be doing.  God, summer is so nice, why can't it be summer all the time?  Or always Friday.

We lost faith in the arms of love

We lost faith in the arms of love

I'm always the girl you ask about homework and the one who lends you a pen and then never gets it back.  Today is self-loathing and Ben Howard and glasses and sadness settling in my stomach.  Today is waking up tired and undercooked pancakes and feeling blind and broken.  It's hard to remember why I'm here and it's hard to remember what I want and it's goddamn harder than hell to feel like I'm worth anything.  The black typeface on my computer screen looks green from a certain angle and everything seems awful from this certain angle, but it's the angle that I'm living and it's the one I can't get away from.

I want to go home and sleep for a week.  I want to eat whatever I want and not give a damn.  I want to watch a million hours of television and write analytical essays on my favorite characters.  I want to stop feeling so much so often so heavy so many tears.  

What can I do with a girl if she refuses to be mine

What can I do with a girl if she refuses to be mine

I'm in the library right now and I've been in the library most of today and I have work in the library at 8, and I guess this year I'm going to spend more time in the library than I do anywhere else, and that's Reed College for you, I suppose.  Today has been a terrible awful day and the world has just kicked my ass repeatedly and it all kind of sucks, except my friends are awesome and my mom is awesome and I'm going home for a weekend in November to see Jack's Mannequin play their last ever show ever, and that's the only good thing that's happened today.  I picked an uncomfortable library chair (why did anyone ever think that wooden armrests on an armchair, or a sofa for that matter, were a good idea?) that's far away from a plug which means my computer is probably going to die but I've finished my homework for tomorrow and I don't want to do any for Friday yet because it's Wednesday and I feel like it was just Tuesday because oh yeah it was, but tomorrow's Thursday already, and this year is already kind of dragging, which isn't good because there's still a lot of it left to go.  Yesterday I turned in a story that I really liked to my creative writing prof, and I don't even know where this sentence is going so I'm going to end it now.

Everything is ugh today and I'm pretty sure a bee just flew past me and I'm inside what the heck and I'm tired I'm so tired but I have to work till 10 pm, which was the worst idea I've ever had besides the time I posted a missed connection and someone responded to it and the other events of today and UGH.

On cold days cold plays out like the band's name

On cold days cold plays out like the band's name

Things are going just swell right now.  I have best friends and they're funny and I love them and we are a boy band but not really, and my sister is my mini-but-taller-than-me, and I like my classes and I feel okay.  I wish boys would notice me, that's the easiest way of saying it, but there's this part of me that knows that I'm going to have to step outside of my box or whatever if I ever want to be not-alone forever.  That's what makes me sad and I know it shouldn't, but sometimes it's really fucking hard to not let it get to me.  I hate sounding like this.  I hate, hate, hate it.

But this is a positive post because Harry Styles is pretty and I finished my homework and yay!