First you tell me not to fret

First you tell me not to fret

I have goals.  Sorta.

1. No drama.  I am not repeating junior year... or freshman or sophomore year.  I am keeping my nose out of everyone's business and keeping my mouth shut and avoiding every possible crappy situation.

2. I will get straight A's.  Meaning I will actually study math.  Gross.

That's really it, actually.  I want senior year to be a good one... meaning I'm going to do what I want and not do things I don't want to do just to make other people happy (as in, I am not going to football games or basketball games because I hate them) and I'm going to manage my time so I can still watch the shows I want to watch and write when I want to and I'm not going to procrastinate (heheh).

I feel like in the last six or seven months or so I've realized who I am, or at least part of who I am.  And, as cheesy as it sounds, I want to stay true to that, because that's what makes me happy.  I think happiness is really undervalued.  Or maybe making oneself happy is.

Oh, also, I'm going to get in to college.  I'M GOING TO GET INTO COLLEGE.  Mantra?  Yeahhhh. 

And all the constelations shine down for us to see

And all the constelations shine down for us to see

I was thinking last night, in my usual one a.m. delirium, that maybe someday if I become famous and then die someone will archive all my blog posts and publish them in a book that no one will ever want to read because it lacks scandal and cuss words and relevancy.  Also, anything interesting. 

Today I finished my summer assignments and ran errands in my car, which was difficult as my car is a fickle being, and babysat, and now I'm sitting here gluing things into my notebook and working on a playlist and refreshing tumblr every few minutes.  I love being lazy like this, but I'm kind of glad I'm going to be doing something again.  It makes lazy days more exciting and feel more rewarding. 

I need to go to bed.  Getting up on Wednesday is going to be like washing a cat, or something equally painful and discomforting.  Getting up on Wednesday is going to be like putting contacts in.  Oh, wait, I have to wear contacts on Wednesday, don't I?  Gah.

I used to hover outside my truth

I used to hover outside my truth

I have this inclination right now, or rather a desire, to write a totally self-reflective loosely-worded completely unclear blog post of the kind that I usually write whenever I'm in a horrible mood, but as I'm not in a horrible mood, only a slightly annoyed one, I don't think I can accomplish that.  I'm actually looking forward to this week a little bit, if only because September means that tv shows are coming back.  And, as we all know, "we" being me and the other me and the other other me, tv is my life, and by that I mean my life outside of school and complaining and writing run-on sentences.

Another thing I have:  this unceasing interest in time, in how things remain over time and change over time and how time is manipulated based on the way we see it, feel it.  It's been six, seven months since this thing, thing meaning something specific that either you understand or you don't but it's irrelevant, but I still remember clearly what I said and what was said to me and the way fear feels in the pit of my stomach.  It feels like emotions don't change over time, as time passes.  They slack a little bit, maybe, lose some of their strength, but they're still there.  But that might be just me.  It's probably just me, and my overthinking, over-emotional state.  But it's not really a state, because that makes it sound temporary.  It just is.  It's what it is.

I need... a shoebox to pack last year away in, so I can put it on the top shelf of my closet and not look at it for a while.  Come June I'm going to pack away the last four years ans set them aside for a little while.  Maybe high school's like wine and it gets better with age.  I... am indifferent, almost.  There's very little I want to hold on from these past four years, and I know it's going to be hard.  This is premature anti-nostalgia.  Well, I always knew I was crazy.  Shouldn't be news to you either.

Who wants to be ordinary in a crazy mixed up world

Who wants to be ordinary in a crazy mixed up world

Lots of "The OC" = Good mood = Bad blog post.

Random questionaire.

[ ] i am a boy.
[x] i am a girl.
[x] i am shorter than 5’4.
[x] i think i’m ugly sometimes.
[ ] i have many scars.
[ ] i tan easily.
[x] i wish my hair was a different color.
[x] i have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[ ] i have a tattoo.
[x] i am self-conscious about my appearance.
[x] i wear glasses.
[ ] i would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free
[ ] i’ve been told i’m attractive by a complete stranger.
[x] i have more than 2 piercings.
[ ] i have piercing in places besides my ears.
[ ] i have freckles.

family/home life
[ ] i’ve sworn at my parents.
[ ] i’ve run away from home.
[ ] i’ve been kicked out of the house.
[ ] i have a sibling less than one year old.
[x] i want to have kids someday.
[ ] i’ve lost a child.

school/work
[x] i’m in school
[ ] i have a job
[ ] i’ve fallen asleep at work/school.
[x] i almost always do/did my homework.
[ ] i’ve missed a week or more of school.
[x] i’ve been on the honor roll within the last 2 years.
[ ] i failed more than 1 class last year.
[ ] i’ve stolen something from my job.

embarrassment
[  i’ve slipped out an “lol” in a spoken conversation.
[x] disney movies still make me cry.
[ ] i’ve peed from laughing.
[ ] i’ve snorted while laughing.
[x] i’ve laughed so hard i’ve cried.
[ ] i’ve glued my hand to something.
[ ] i’ve had my pants rip in public.

health
[ ] i was born with a disease/impairment
[ ] i’ve gotten stitches/staples.
[ ] i’ve broken a bone.
[ ] i’ve had my tonsils removed.
[ ] i’ve sat in a doctor’s office/emergency room with a friend.
[x] i’ve had my wisdom teeth removed.
[ ] i had a serious surgery.
[x] i’ve had chicken pox.
[ ] i’ve had measles

traveling
[x] i’ve driven over 200 miles in one day
[x] i’ve been on a plane.
[ ] i’ve been to canada.
[ ] i’ve been to mexico
[ ] i’ve been to niagara falls.
[ ] i’ve been to japan.
[ ] i’ve celebrated mardi gras in new orleans.
[x] i’ve been to europe.
[ ] i’ve been to africa.

experiences
[ ] i’ve gotten lost in my city.
[ ] i’ve seen a shooting star.
[ ] i’ve wished on a shooting star
[ ] i’ve seen a meteor shower.
[x] i’ve gone out in public in my pajamas.
[ ] i’ve pushed all the buttons on an elevator.
[ ] i’ve kicked a guy where it hurts.
[x] i’ve been to a casino.
[ ] i’ve been skydiving.
[ ] i’ve gone skinny dipping.
[x] i’ve played spin the bottle.
[ ]  i’ve drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.
[ ] i’ve crashed a car.
[ ] i’ve been skiing.
[x] i’ve been in a play.
[ ] i’ve met someone in person from myspace.
[ ] i’ve caught a snowflake on my tongue.
[ ] i’ve seen the northern lights.
[ ] i’ve sat on a roof top at night.
[ ] i’ve played chicken.
[ ] i’ve played a prank on someone
[x] i’ve ridden in a taxi.
[x] i’ve seen the rocky horror picture show.
[x] i’ve eaten sushi.
[ ] i’ve been snowboarding.

relationships
[x] i’m single
[ ] i’m in a relationship
[ ] i’m engaged.
[ ] i’m married.
[ ] i’ve gone on a blind date.
[ ] i’ve been the dumped more than the dumper.
[x] i miss someone right now.
[ ] i have a fear of abandonment.
[ ] i’ve gotten divorced.
[x] i’ve had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back.
[ ] i’ve told someone i loved them when i didn’t.
[ ] i’ve told someone i didn’t love them when i did.
[ ] i’ve kept something from a past relationship.
[ ] i’ve had a crush on someone of the same sex.
[ ] i’ve had a crush on a teacher.
[x] i am a cuddler.
[ ] i’ve been kissed in the rain.
[x] i’ve hugged a stranger.
[ ] i have kissed a stranger.

honesty/crime
[x] i’ve done something i promised someone else i wouldn’t.
[x] i’ve done something i promised myself i wouldn’t.
[ ] i’ve snuck out of my house.
[ ] i have lied to my parents about where i am
[x] i am keeping a secret from the world.
[x] i’ve cheated while playing a game.
[ ] i’ve cheated on a test.
[ ] i’ve run a red light.
[ ] i’ve been suspended from school.
[ ] i’ve witnessed a crime.
[ ] i’ve been in a fist fight.
[ ] i’ve been arrested.

drugs/alcohol
[ ] i’ve consumed alcohol.
[ ] i regularly drink.
[ ] i’ve passed out from drinking.
[ ] i have passed out drunk at least once in the past 6 months.
[ ] i’ve smoked weed
[ ] i’ve taken painkillers when i didn’t need them.
[ ] i’ve eaten shrooms.
[ ] i’ve popped e.
[ ] i’ve inhaled nitrous.
[ ] i’ve done hard drugs.
[ ] i have cough drops when i’m not sick.
[ ] i can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem.
[ ] i have been diagnosed with clinical depression.
[ ] i have been diagnosed with one or more anxiety disorder.
[ ] i shut others out when i’m depressed.
[ ] i take anti-depressants.
[ ] i have been anorexic or bulimic.
[ ] i’ve slept an entire day when i didn’t need it.
[ ] i’ve hurt myself on purpose.
[ ] i’ve woken up crying.

death and suicide
[x] i’m afraid of dying.
[x] i hate funerals.
[ ] i’ve seen someone dying.
[ ] someone close to me has committed suicide.
[ ] i’ve planned my own suicide
[ ] i’ve attempted suicide.
[x] i’ve written a eulogy for myself.

materialism
[ ] i own over 5 rap cds.
[x] i own an ipod or mp3 player.
[ ] i have an unhealthy obsession with anime/manga.
[ ] i own multiple designer purses, costing over $100 a piece.
[x] i own something from hot topic.
[x] i own something from pac sun.
[ ] i collect comic books.
[x] i own something from the gap.
[ ] i own something i got on e-bay.
[ ] i own something from abercrombie.

random
[ ] i can sing well.
[ ] i’ve stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant.
[ ] i open up to others easily.
[x] i watch the news.
[ ] i don’t kill bugs.
[x] i hate hearing songs that sacrifice meaning for the sake of being able to rhyme.
[ ] i curse regularly.
[x] i sing in the shower.
[ ] i am a morning person.
[ ] i paid for my cell phone ring tone.
[x] i’m a snob about grammar.
[ ] i am a sports fanatic.
[ ] i twirl my hair
[ ] i have “x”s in my screen name.
[x] i love being neat.
[ ] i love spam.
[ ] i’ve copied more than 30 cd’s in a day
[ ] i bake well.
[ ] my favorite color is either white, yellow, pink, red or blue
[x] i’ve worn pajamas to school.
[ ] i like martha stewart.
[ ] i know how to shoot a gun
[x] i am in love with love.
[x] i am guilty of typing like this.
[x] i laugh at my own jokes.
[x] i eat fast food weekly.
[ ] i believe in ghosts.
[ ] i am online 24/7, even as an away message.
[ ] i’ve not turned anything in and still got an a in a certain class.
[ ] i can’t sleep if there is a spider in the room.
[x] i am really ticklish.
[ ] i like white chocolate
[x] i bite my nails.
[ ] i play video games.
[x] i’m good at remembering names.
[ ] i’m good at remembering dates.
[ ] i have no idea what i want to do for the rest of my life

There's a science to fear

There's a science to fear

So I have this thing (things, there're always things, but I suppose I've already covered that) about defining who I am, constantly, to myself, in my head, scribbled in notebooks, typed in word documents on my computer, maybe so that I don't lose track of myself.  I am uptight and pretentious at times even though it's something that I despise in others because I hold my morals close to my chest in fear that something or someone rips them from my hands and turns me into a follower, tricks me into forgetting that I have feelings and rights and ideas that matters too.  That's what I'm most afraid of, I guess, losing track of what I believe in and turning into someone else. 

But then I have this fear that who I think I am isn't really who I am.  There's this part in All the King's Men, which I surprisingly actually liked, about the paradox of reality, and how reality isn't real unless you count in that it's part of a series of events.  So reality relies on the past to exist.  And I guess that who I am is who I am now but also who I've been and who I'm going to be, although I can't possibly know that now.  But who I am now is someone who feels stupid talking like this and now wants to make a joke and end the post like nothing ever happened. 

I fell down off every wall I ever built

I fell down off every wall I ever built

I finished All the King's Men today, which is kind of remarkable considering how long it took me to read the first half of the book.  Also I got my hair cut and discovered that my car has a tendency to head to the right when I don't want it to, which my dad fixed and was due to low tire pressure and not political tendencies. 

And I've been thinking about community, specifically Nerdfighteria, and how every community has its goods (which I really think shone through today) and its bads, despite pretending the bads don't exist.  I guess that's how everything is, really.  We highlight the good stuff and ignore the bad, push it aside, make it taboo to talk about, think about.  I think maybe that's why I blog.  There's something appealing in having control over what's said because I'm the one saying it and there's no one there to judge it.  And if there is then I can just say, if you don't like what you're reading then don't read it anymore.  I think that's a right we don't take advantage of enough.  If we don't like what we're doing, then why don't we just stop doing it?

Tonight's a rambly night, I suppose.  Not a JD Salinger night, but a night in which words don't really work the way they're supposed to and sleep is unappealing and my plant is wilting in its pot over on my dresser.  Also a night in which "what the hell am i talking about" is a very relevant tag.   

I'll be alright if it was just til St. Patrick's Day

I'll be alright if it was just til St. Patrick's Day

I am once again blogging from my iPod because I never turned my computer on today, which is something I usually only do when I'm focusing all my attention on some extremely boring homework assignment. But today I actually did things that involved doing actual things, like working out and taking my car to AAA to be registered and driving my mom on errands and reading my stupid summer reading book and driving my sister to hopkido and reading more and watching tv with my family. It's very strange for me to feel useful. Lately I haven't been doing my summer assignment not because I've been procrastinating, but because I actually haven't had time to do it. That is one hell of a lengthy book.

Tomorrow I'm getting my hair cut even though it feels to soon because I know once school starts I won't have time, and my bangs are too long and my layers are weird. Going back to school soon, I've been thinking about all those movies and books where someone undergoes a total transformation over the summer and becomes maybe not what they've always wished to be but some form of it, maybe just the skin of what they've always wished to be. But that's not real life, is it? We can't go through dramatic makeovers in one montage that's complete with 3 way mirrors and chirpy background music.

You should have seen that sunrise with your own eyes

You should have seen that sunrise with your own eyes

I like the idea of possibility, of everything-sucks-right-now-but-tomorrow's-a-new-day.  I meant to write about this yesterday because I was thinking about it at the John Mayer concert - it's one of his big things, I guess - but for some reason I didn't.  Anyhow, I like the concept of optimism.  I guess it's just the execution that I have trouble with, the whole act of making-the-best-of-it, taking it as it comes, etc.  As in, I'm not sure I can make the best of this year even though it's my last at this school, because when I hear that phrase it doesn't make me sad or wistful or regretful; it just makes me wish it were over already.

I'm so associational, if that's even a word.  Everything I see, hear, taste, smell automatically reminds me of something else... and that makes being at school almost painful sometimes.  I feel like I remember everything that's happened to me at that school, everything bad at least, and it all comes rushing back when I walk past a certain place or see a certain person.

If I were to be blunt right now I'd say that I know that whenever I complain about how much I hate school in my blog, people read it and are hurt and won't tell me and it causes issues and big piles of crumpled feelings.  But, since there's always a but, the past is never really totally gone, and I can't make it go away.  Plus, I have no idea if (and when) anyone ever reads this anyhow (besides my sister who gets it handy dandily delivered to her email inbox every time I post, and to whom I say that high school is wonderful and fabulous and there is no need to be afraid).  So basically what I'm saying is a bunch of crap and that I'm going to say what I want because I'm not insulting you or anyone else and because I'm a teenage girl so that's my excuse even though it's a suckish one at that, and now I feel like I need to stand up and yell "girl power!" or something equally empowering and cheesy despite the fact that it's totally irrelevant and I've now written one hell of a run-on sentence.

Speaking in direct terms never seems to work very well for me.

We'll take a walk outside and search the skies like children do

We'll take a walk outside and search the skies like children do

I am utterly convinced that John Mayer is possibly the most quotable person on the face of the planet, aside from Albus Dumbledore and Bella ShutTheHellUp Swan, who aren't real and therefore don't count anyway.  His wit and ease were almost more impressive tonight than his lyrical prowess (that phrase makes me sound like a jackass) and right-off-the-album voice.  He was amazing, even though he looked like an ant from my seat in row four-thousand-three-hundred-and-twelve.

Also, much to my surprise, the Hollywood Bowl has installed escalators, which I almost feel takes away some of the experience of the whole thing.  You lose out on the sore legs after climbing all those awkwardly sized steps, and the awkward tripping/shuffling on the way back down.  Not that I'm complaining or anything.  I mean, they still have the overpriced food and the occasional skunk and the toilet paper-less bathrooms.  But in truth, though, the full Hollywood Bowl experience depends on just how drunk the people around you are.

But I'm home and it's late and no drunk women spilled any wine on me and it's been a long night in LA too.  

I saw you cry on that late December evening

I saw you cry on that late December evening

So here I am again, blogging from my itouch, which is kind of a pain in the ass because you have to change keyboards to get to the comma, and I'm a very frequent comma user, but I haven't turned my computer on today and it feels too late to do so now. I'm exhausted from today, strange considering I sat on a plane for 45 minutes and then I went to a pawn shop and taught my grandma how to make a grilled cheese sandwhich and sat in a car for four hours. Or maybe I'm exhausted from watching the saddest hour of tele ision known to man, or at least known to older teenagers, and it has my head aching and my eyes hurting and my stomach all tied in knots, and my foot is twitching, although probably that's caused by something else.

Tomorrow is the John Mayer concert, which I'm utterly unprepared for. I'm sure that sounds stupid, but I feel like I won't enjoy a concert if I don't know the music. I haven't studied up ahead of time like I usually like to do. I take things to seriously, don't I? That's probably why I can't keep friendships afloat or make art or zone out during the safety instructions on an airplane. I thougt I was working on that.

Do you remember we were sitting there by the water

Do you remember we were sitting there by the water

The most interesting thing I did today was finish one-half of my lit summer assignment.  Also I drove my mother and my little sister places, forgot to paint my toenails, and screamed at the television as it so innocently played "The OC" for my enjoyment.  And I discovered (while emptying various bags in an attempt to find one that will hold my stuff and my father's for our day-trip to Vegas tomorrow) that books I'd forgotten about were hiding from me.  I now have literally no more room on my bookshelf, which shouldn't come as that much of a surprise as this seems to happen to me every few months, but I feel like I just gave away a whole stack of books.  Also I found the most amazing pair of pants today, which, like all amazing pairs of pants, cost a ridiculous amount of money that no sensible mother would ever spend on a pair of pants for her daughter.  So, knockoff jeans makers, here's your cue.

Also, can my life just, like, be a Taylor Swift song?  One of the happy ones?  Who the hell am I talking to?  Oh fairy godmother!  God, I have to get up at 5:45 tomorrow morning.  Blogging > Sleeping = My life.

The so many territories

The so many territories

I am in a good mood today, knock on wood and bite my tongue.  I finished quite a bit of one of my English assignments, and I got through a full disc of "The OC" with my sister, and Hilary Duff got married last weekend, and I really want to make snickerdoodles.  I'm feeling productive, and I feel like writing not because I'm sad, which is what usually makes me want to write, but because... I don't know, just because.  Also I watched two hours of the Biography channel today, and I can't decide if it or "Covert Affairs" is to be my new addiction.   

The only thing that's bugging me right now is my printer.  I swear it's possessed by a middle-school PE teacher.  It has been attempting to scan its re-alignment sheet for twenty minutes now.  This happens every single time I (or rather my mother) change(s) the ink cartridge.

Tomorrow we are having cinnamon rolls for breakfast, assuming I get out of bed to make them and they haven't been commandeered by my father, who last night thought it would be amusing to relabel the apple pie my mom bought as cherry, provoking near-tears from my sister when she discovered apples when she cut it open.  I think the cinnamon rolls are safe, though; they haven't been baked yet.  My dad tends to steer clear of the oven, just as I tend to steer clear of rambly blog posts that are difficult to conclude.

That was a joke.       

It'll fall just like you said

It'll fall just like you said

I am in this very strange good mood right now and I'm going to try to preserve it by ignoring All the King's Men and instead focusing on "Covert Affairs", which I'm pretty sure is the reason for this good mood, and "Love Is A Drum" by Jack Skuller, which I heard in Nordstrom today and may never be able to get out of my head.  Or maybe the reason is that I went shopping today and bought some cute tops and new bras, which, like haircuts, feel extremely significant and important to me despite being totally not significant or important at all.

Haircuts and new bras and new songs and new things to put on my wall - maybe it's because I associate objects (not bras obviously) with certain people or events or feelings, and then something bad happens and I feel like a change, and a change is more like a lot of change.  I have this weird interest in reinventing myself - or maybe not myself specifically, but just in that skill, that ability to pose as someone else or change your outlook or mindset or redo your entire life so quickly.  I guess that's connected to emotional attachment, or lack thereof, which is something that I have a lot of (of which I have a lot) in comparison to, say, Jason Bourne, or something.  I'm not even sure what I'm saying anymore.  I think when I'm in a good mood my sentences get wordier.  Use more words.

I feel a seperation coming on

I feel a seperation coming on

This morning my mom woke me up around 8:45, and the first thing I thought after "mmmghdfhd I'm sleeping" was "why the hell am I so sore?"  Then I remembered that one does not suddenly become not out of shape after a week of exercising.

Also recently (as in today when I was driving and remembered that someone saw "Inception" illegally on the internet before seeing it at a theater) I was thinking about appreciation, or maybe acknowledgment of appreciation, and the lack thereof.  People work so hard for what they put out, and then they don't get what they deserve for it.  And that makes me sad - which is naive, I suppose.

But I can accept naivety - I can even embrace it, like I'm embracing my love of overproduced pop music.  There are worst things I could be, like a serial texter or a (total) bitch or someone who repeatedly burns her hair with a flat iron.  I'm trying to work on me, on this is who I am and that's okay with me.  I'm trying to work on knowing that accepting myself is cliche and doing it anyway.  What is my problem with cliches anyway?  Jeez, that bugs me.        

They said always call when you get there

They said always call when you get there

So I've just seen "Inception", and because it's what I do (over-think things to the point where they become totally meaningless), I've been turning the ending over and over in my mind for hours, repeatedly coming to the same conclusion.  Either the top falls or it doesn't, but we'll never know either way.  Disregarding that, as well as the fact that it's all fictional anyway, we see Cobb turn away from the top.  Say he turns around; he'll either see the top spinning, or it will have fallen down.  If it's still spinning, he'll make a decision based on that.  Or say he doesn't turn around - say he makes the conscious decision to not know the fate of the top, the conscious decision to accept that where he is right now is where he wants to be despite the fact that it might not be reality.  There's a perpetual limbo - is it a dream or isn't it, is the top spinning or isn't it.  But it really doesn't matter.

This perpetual limbo - because I like to over-analyze things, I've put the top in a box in my mind, like Schrodinger's cat in the box.  The cat's both alive and dead at the same time because we don't know what it truly is until we look at it.  It's the same with the top.  So taking the top toppling over as a sign of reality, if we don't see the top fall, we don't know that it doesn't - but we don't know that it does.  So choosing not to care - what does that do to the top?       

Now, my father would say that they all die in the end anyway, so who cares?  Which I suppose is true.  These are fictional characters and a fictional concept, and I'm just a teenage girl who's procrastinating her summer homework by writing up something that's probably already been thought about by billions of (other, much smarter) sci-fi enthusiasts all over the internet.  Nerd and conformist, that's me.

Other things I've conformed to lately:  a Seventeen Magazine workout plan, summer homework procrastination, staying up late followed by sleeping in late, watching two hours of youtube videos in one night, teaching a parent to use facebook, pointless and lengthly blog entries that no one will ever read.         

All my life I've been waiting for

All my life I've been waiting for

Tonight my mom and I saw "In the Heights", and it was fabulous, as musicals usually are, with the exception of "Cats", during which I fell asleep.  And now I'm sitting here listening to Taylor Swift and loving that tumblr makes it okay for me to make shipping tv characters a hobby and everything feels normal and okay despite the fact that school is coming closer and closer by the minute and my foot's fallen asleep and I haven't used any commas in this sentence.  Tomorrow is Monday yet again and my room's a mess (yet again) but I have books to read and for some reason that seems to make things (i.e. school, deadlines, next Saturday) less imminent. 

Your sillhouette will charge the view of distant atmosphere

Your sillhouette will charge the view of distant atmosphere

I wrote this last night, lying in bed, not wanting to sleep, not wanting summer to end.

Sometimes I like to pretend that I'm a ballerina, a graceful lightweight fairy of a person who can flit through trees and fields and float on clouds, all the while wearing tulle skirts that swirl in the breeze and handmade slippers with fragile ribbons and crowns reminiscent of queens long forgotten.  But then the wind shifts and then I like to be ee cummings, the man who broke all the rules and made his own, which were:  here's how I see it, not in black and white and in shapes if I want, not by the book but that's fine by me, and which book are we even talking about so keenly anyway?  As ee I am free to use no punctuation never not ever if I don't want to.  But the wind doesn't have to change for me to remeber that I like punctuation for its ability to slow a sentence down or give it no pause at all.  Ee used line breaks and shapes and sparingly a comma to give his work its essence of ee that is the center of him and my desire to be him, or rather to possess his risk-taking rule-breaking je ne sais quoi - the je ne sais quoi that is lighthearted like a ballerina in her fairy skirt, but digging deep, deep down until there's no wind at all and there are no shifts and there is only now and me and this and a lack of else. 

With drops of Jupiter in her hair

With drops of Jupiter in her hair

Today I made meatballs to go with our pasta for dinner, and then I orchestrated dessert and my sister helped me make it, and it was almost as much fun to make as it was to eat.  I don't like cooking, really, but I like the finished product, the feeling of I-made-this-what-do-you-think and accomplishment and responsibility.  I wanted to make crepes for breakfast tomorrow but unfortunately we have no eggs.  We also do not have fresh graham crackers (they do go stale despite what my mother believes).

I haven't been thinking forward lately, because thinking forward means thinking towards the beginning of school, which I was reminded today is something that I despise.  But thinking forward means the John Mayer concert and the return of the tv shows that I obsess about and then the Phoenix concert and then Halloween (which I always spend months and months thinking about and then hate when it actually occurs) and then Chanukah and winter break and then nearly spring and college acceptances and then graduation.  And when you think about it that way, the year isn't really anything. 

"Thinking about the future is a kind of nostalgia."  I should reread Looking for Alaska.  I should read my summer reading.  I should reread Harry Potter.  I should work on my college applications and should should should, it's always me and should and less and less did/done/in-the-past.  

I'd like to think the best of me is still hiding up my sleeve

I'd like to think the best of me is still hiding up my sleeve

I just watched "You've Got Mail" and now I feel like I need to chop wood or read my dad's car magazines or something to regain the masculinity that I never had.  I love romance, sure, but oh my God.  You have to draw the line somewhere.  I mean, I was so annoyed with Meg Ryan's character that I actually started to like Tom Hanks.  And I hate Tom Hanks.  That man is responsible for the tragedy that is the film version of "The Polar Express."

Also in the past two days I've watched the first two Bourne movies, "Spy Game", "Mr. and Mrs. Smith", and "Catch Me If You Can."  I've been avoiding "The OC".  I think I just don't want it to end, because I know how much I'm going to cry when it finally does - even though it's not really over, it's never really over, because I have every single episode on dvd in a big giant plastic-and-cardboard box.

So now I'm past the point where summer feels like it's going to go on forever, and I'm at the point where there are three weeks of summer left and I have yet to make significant progress on either of my summer assignments.  But I'm not yet at the point where I need to start stressing about them - and I'll get them done.  I always do.    

But in the meantime my sister and I will continue to watch spy movies that turn out not to be spy movies (*cough*Mr. and Mrs. Smith*cough*) and I will continue to make faces at her, knowing full well that she can't laugh because it hurts her swollen mouth too much.  Poor baby, such pain, and her wisdom's gone as well.  At least you only have to go through that once - unlike the end of summer, which happens, without fault, every single year. 

I have no idea

I have no idea

I have the Black Eyed Peas stuck in my head right now and it's making me want to scream.  And I need to take my contacts out and write a decent blog post and clean my room.  But I want to write and sleep and pretend there are more than three weeks of summer left. 

It's hidden in the scars

It's hidden in the scars

Today I like:
1. spy movies
2. Miley Cyrus' fashion sense
3. giving anonymous advice via the internet
4. making lists
5. dreaming about short stories I know I'll never write
6. organizing my desk
7. my little sister
8. that my parents haven't noticed that I haven't put my shoes from Italy away yet
9. setting a schedule
10. forgetting about my summer homework.

The moon was shining

The moon was shining

I've been thinking about being, and more specifically being in this generation, in this time, in this body, in this world state country city school in which things are this way and that way and not always the way that I or you or anyone or everyone thinks they should be.  Jumbled thoughts, tired eyes, no drivers license.  Not much has changed, or maybe will change, because maybe that's part of the being, this halt, this stickiness. 

Well I'm afraid I'm not gonna give you back any of those kilojules

Well I'm afraid I'm not gonna give you back any of those kilojules

Something needs to change.  I'm ready for something to change.  Funny, isn't it?  I am change's biggest enemy.  And yet.

I was drowning there at best

I was drowning there at best

Tonight I'm feeling antsy and restless in that way that I often feel when there's a stack of college catalogs on my desk and when what I've been writing seems sub-par and when my friends feel very, very, very far away.  These are Stalinger days, that's what I'll call them, days when the only thing to do is run away from Facebook and write, write, write until everything is at its worst.  These are days when teen magazines make me feel fat and the talent of others makes me feel incompetent and I criticize myself for being too critical of myself.

These are days when sleep is far away, always far away, and it all seems surreal.   

Go to sleep my little baby

Go to sleep my little baby

I got home from Italy late last night and I'm now sitting here blogging on my itouch because I may have possibly killed firefox and Internet explorer can be quite the bitch sometimes. Anyhow I have no idea what time it is right now because my itouch is still set to Italy's time.

The trip was fun and stressful and tiring and overbearing and basically all the things that I thought it would be except that my airplane didn't crash. While in Italy I acquired two bug bites, a new purse, a pair of Birkenstocks, and a greater sense of how pigheaded Americans in general and my father more specifcally can at times be. Home is nearly exactly how I left it, except that the first week of August is now over and school is looming, my dogs seemed to have undergone a partial Freaky Friday-style brainswitching while at the puppy hotel,and I now have a very large pile of magazines to read.

In addition to the mosquito bites, I also managed to scratch my eyeball while trying to dig out a lost contact and fall (or be pushed) off of a hotel bed onto a chair and the floor simultaneously, recieving quite the bruise, which is on my left calf and very painful but not really visible so no one really believes it's there.

But despite my unexpected injuries, the trip was fun. And I'm glad I got to spend some time with my sister at least. I'm even more grateful now that we don't have to share a sink.