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As I'm swimming through the stereo

I'm leaving tomorrow morning really really early and I still have to get some stuff together and finish the cds for my pen pal qui s'appelle Clotilde, mais I wanted to continue my blogging-every-day-in-March thing.  Since I'm going to be behind on BEDA when I finally start, I figured I should at least do that. 

Michael: 
omg if it rains this week
there might be turbulence for you tomorrow
Me:  
shutup
Michael: 
ok well if you watched lost then you would be prepared
but really...tin can over the rainbow
hold onto gabi
she floats

Icandothis.


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Standing on the edge of morning

My momsy is getting up early tomorrow to make me matzah brie for breakfast, because it's Passover and matzah brie is my favorite, and it's my last day at home.  Holy crap, it's my last day at home.

I'm trying not to think too much about the plane rides, or the high speed train, or the Seine boat cruise thing.  Sensing a pattern?  Ugh.  I'm never going to be able to drive a car.  Anyhow, I'm also not thinking about the amount of French I'm suddenly going to have to speak all at once, the very complicated dollars-to-euros math I'm going to have to do in my head, or the sore feet I'm going to have.

What I am thinking about:
- Ben Mckenzie
- Sleeping
- Monet paintings (Boulevard des Capuchines, specifically)
- Matzah brie
- The Sarah Dessen book I'm going to read as soon as I finish this blog post
- The microcosm of the gloriousness of France that is contained in this tumblr
- "Gilmore Girls"
- Summer

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Turning black tables

Stress stress stress stress stress.
I wish I had time to watch this movie.
Any movie, actually.
I suck at paintings.
There are bugs in my house.
I want to be in France already.
I wish my room was clean.

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Then you hold your breath and count to nine

My house is infested with mosquitos-or-mayflies.  It's like that scene from "Jamanji" where all the bugs start flying out of the woodwork and there are so many you can't keep track of them.  We just spent nearly an hour running all over the house with the vacuum cleaner house attempting to suck them up.  My sister stood in the hallway for a half-hour waiting for my mom to find one in her room.  And meanwhile my dad stood off to the side and laughed while his wife, daughter, and few remaining birthday party guests attempted to cleanse his house of giant winged things.

When I was younger, I was genuinely afraid that my dad was an alcoholic.  I was also afraid that he abused my mom, and I always thought they were about to announce their divorce to my sister and I.  There was absolutely nothing in either of my parents' actions to suggest that either one of them was an alcoholic or a spousal abuser - but I was scared anyway.  I read too many books as a child, watched too many tv shows.  I always thought there was something wrong with my family because we weren't dysfunctional.  I know now that that's ridiculous, of course - but when you're 10 years old and you see your parents arguing, or your dad drinking wine every night at dinner, everything is magnified.  It all becomes so much more than it is.

I also went through this phase where I hated going out to dinner with my family because I knew my dad always liked to get a drink with his meal.  I was so, so scared to get in the car with him to go home afterward.  Now I've realized that my dad is an amazing driver, and he also has a very strong sense of whether or not he should be driving.  But I've always been the one who worries, who expects the worst.  Who doubts people.

But I've also learned that my instincts tend to be right.  Maybe not in the case of my father and his drinking habits or lack thereof - but in other cases.  I can't decide, though, if it's better to guess right and have your suspicions confirmed, or be the last one to know.

Also, to my future husband:  if you're not fearless in the face of bugs, I'm not marrying you.
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And I'm so damn tired

Hi there.

You don't know me.  I guess I don't really know you either.  I see you around sometimes, between classes or at lunch, and you remind me how much high school is... high school.  We've got the quirky kids, the nerds, the cheerleaders, the drama geeks.  The quiet ones who think they're being all deep with their blogs that no one reads.

Today disappointed me.  It just made it clear to me that those stereotypes are true, the ones about high school and cliques and popular kids and not-so-popular kids.  I feel like we're missing out on something, a sense of camaraderie, maybe, that our parents' generation had.  Despite our tools of constant communication, we don't really know each other, we're so distant, segregated, almost. Our friendships are so different from the friendships that our parents formed however many years ago. A bad different, I think. 

So I envy you, if you're one of those lucky ones who's managed to develop and keep close friendships despite stupid high school.  And I think you have, because I think you're the sort of person who can keep the good ones around and the bad ones away. 

Anyhow, I want to say that I'm sorry that things didn't work out for you, but I don't think you mind too much.  But that's an assumption - I make those a lot.  Everyone does, I guess.  Maybe that's the problem.  We all assume we know each other, while we're all secretly thinking that we're so unique no one could ever understand.  So in that way we're all the same.

But mostly I'm sorry that I'll never know you, or you or you or you, because we're all locked into the way things are now, the friends we have now, the lunch spots we've had since freshman year.  So afraid to change, push people away, make new friends.   

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For the first time in such a long long time

... I know I'll be okay.

I absolutely love impressionism.  I've never really liked the art we've studied in my art history class, with the exception of the Rococo works, and I just like them because they're wild and bright.  But I love impressionism, and post-impressionism.  It's so gorgeous. 

I also love Taylor Swift.  She always looks amazing, and so happy.  I wish I had her hair and her height and her amazing personality.  And her singing talent, that couldn't hurt.  And can I have her closet too?

I love pictures with words on them.  Pictures of nature or cityscapes or odd perspectives of a girl dressed in a cute outfit.  They're so pretty.  I can't explain it

Me:  i told my mom you love the oc and she thought you were lying.
Michael:  dude..why does everyone say that?!  haha  i told nathen and he was like...UHHH are you sure your not gay?!  and im like...jeez it just like a show

Currently discussing the merits of Seth, Ryan, and Che with Michael via fbchat.  Happy Thursday.
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Your uncle is a crooked French Canadian

1. I bit off all my nails today.  I am a huge failure.
2. I am stressed.  See number 1 for physical side-effects.
3. My dad is watching something really violent downstairs and it's extremely loud and I'm not enjoying it.
4. The bulb in my desk lamp burned or possibly burnt out yesterday and my mom bought me a new bulb today but she couldn't get it in, so here I am, in the semi-dark.
5. I'm looking forward to France, a lot, but then I'm also really really really not.  The room mate situation is stressing me out.  But it's only one night.  Well, two nights in one night increments.  I can handle that.  Right?
5. I painted my nails and was being really careful not to mess them up but then I realized that I was leaning my head on my hand.  Alas, hair lines on my nails.
6. I think high schoolers are stupid and superficial and not smart enough to realize it.  Unfortunately I'm all of those things.
7. I had a lot of trouble this afternoon trying to explain to my mom why my sister doesn't tell her things.  My mom heard from her friend who heard from her daughter that my sister likes a boy.  Which I already knew because I'm really good at snooping and also very perceptive.  I tried to use historical references to build my ethos and also my logos, but she wasn't going for it.  I guess it's a mom thing?  I wouldn't know since I can't explain it.  (I love you Gillian.  Go talk to Mom.)
8. How did it get this late so fast?  I still have to take a shower before I go to bed.
9. I have this issue with things being even.  I could have stopped at 7 (yeah I know that's not even) but since I didn't now I have to keep going to 10.
10.  I just clicked through my "liked" posts on tumblr.  I have "liked" some very strange things in the past.  Like, um, pictures of kittens.  I don't even really like kittens.  Where are all the cute pictures of puppies?  Also, a picture of a very attractive man whom I cannot identify.  Um. 
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When the morning comes

I have no school spirit.  Not that I'm complaining though.  I think I'm better off this way.  I'll be more prepared for the real world.  That's positive thinking, though.  I might just end up as a bookworm-turned-spinster who looks back on her high school experience and wonders why she didn't go to more football games.

Oh yeah, that's right.  I hate football games.  And basketball games, and dances and pep assemblies and school sweatshirts.

I don't know why I'm thinking about this right now.  Probably because of asb elections - oh yeah, I hate those too.  I'm such a spoil-sport.  I'm that kid that always follows the rules and tattles on everyone for running on the playground.  Or something.  I was never much of a playground kid, anyway.  I was the one with the Harry Potter book sitting under the tree.

It's also occurred to me that inconsistency really bothers me.  And I have trouble with people that aren't bothered by inconsistency, or messy rooms, or bones in their chicken.  But I know that my way isn't the only way.  I guess everyone thinks like that - my way or the highway, eh?

I think I've reached my nonsensical quota for today.  One week til France!
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I can't think of a good title

Thinking about "The OC" makes me sob uncontrollably.  Hearing the theme song makes me cry.  Remembering the end of the series finale gives me this horrible knotted stomach ache thing that won't go away.  There is something wrong with me.

Being the totally self-aware person that I think I am, I know that this is all relating to the crap Thursday-night-and-on that I had.  (Plus, you know, like, pms, and stuff.)  I didn't want to think about that, so I watched "The OC" instead.  And now all of the crying I wanted to do for that has transferred over to "The OC".  But it hasn't really - today was still a bad day, because of all of that and gross hair and not enough time until France and having to say "I'm fine" even though I don't feel fine.

In the scheme of things, I am fine.  And next week, I'll be fine.  These little things that are no big deal - for right now, they are a big deal.  I hate that - stupid teenager self-centered thingamajig ugh. 

Okay Kate Chambers, quit statusing things that relate to my life.  Really now!  (Note exasperation at myself and also sarcasm.  Status whatever statuses you want to status.  Status is not a verb.  Oh well.) 

Anyhow.  I left my cell phone in the bathroom.  But I've realized that it doesn't even matter.  No one ever calls my cell phone.  No one ever texts me.  Why do I even have a cell phone?  Oh yeah, that's right - I'm a paranoid freak who's scared of getting stranded on a street corner in the middle of nowhere.  Not that I'm every in the middle of nowhere.  But you know.  Just in case.

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Oh Em Gee

Things that made me happy this weekend:
1. Miley Cyrus on the cover of Parade
2. Sixteen hours (an entire season) of "The OC"
3. The amount of clutter that's taken over my desk area and half of the floor space in the room (makes me feel busy)
4. Jane Austen (just her existence in general; also her entire published works and the cinematic versions)
5. France (FranceFranceFranceFranceFrance!)
6. My mom (and her advice or lack-there-of)
7. Michael Kang's deep devotion to "The OC"
8. This, just this:
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So sentimental, not sentimental, no

First:  I'm really proud of the amount of homework that I got done today.  But even though I worked all day - I know that I still have so much more to do.  I suggested to my mom this morning that maybe I just shouldn't do one of my history outlines, and she didn't understand.  She literally couldn't understand what I meant by that.  Not doing one piece of homework is not even an option for her.  But I don't know how I'm going to finish all of it.

Second:  I talked to my dad for a while at dinner tonight.  Despite giving really bad advice, he actually gives really good advice.  He offered me a whole new perspective, and while I don't agree with everything he said - it was sort of refreshing to talk to someone who's so emotionally detached from my life.

Third:
    

Fourth:  I don't write this for you.  I hope you understand that. 
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Right back where we started from

I just watched 8 episodes of "The OC" in a row.  Well, okay, I took a twenty-minute break for dinner.  And there was the occasional commercial.  My love for this show has completely resurfaced.  But this time around I'm favoring Ryan over Seth, and I'm watching season 4 so I'm rooting for Ryan and Taylor.  It's the best stress reliever.  Despite having completed barely a tenth of my homework, I'm feeling accomplished and calm and better than I have all week.

So, yeah, a bad week.  But I only have another week and a half til France.  And I'm hoping that when I'm in France, away from everyone, from the internet and my computer and my cell phone, I can take a break from all this crap for a while.  I can surround myself in the French language and the history and the amazing art, and just forget about everything that's here.

Of course, I know that's not the best way to deal with my problems.  Yesterday night, though, that's all I wanted - to run away.  I'm glad my mom didn't let me.  Hiding from things doesn't make them go away.  I think I've reached that point where I'm making no sense.  I really should go to sleep.       

I love this picture.
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Another chance to turn it all around

I wasn't going to blog tonight, because I'm shouldn't talk about what I want to talk about.  So I'm not going to talk about that. 



Peut-etre j'ecrit en francais, tu ne comprendras pas que j'ecrit. 

Je pense que tu es mechante.  C'est un mot de francais une - mechante.  Il y a un loup qui s'appelle Pierre.  Pierre est mechante, alors les autres loups ne l'aime pas!  Mais, Pierre a une gros probleme!  Pierre aime le nourriture.  Il mange et il mange et il mange, et il devenu tres grande.  Quand il va les restos avec ses amies, il mange tout le nourrriture dans le resto.  Cependent, il ne peut pas arreter!  Il essaie, et il essaie, et il essaie encore une fois, mais il ne peut pas arreter.  Alors, ses amies decident aller les restos avec sa tout la meme.  Ils ne veulent pas dire a Pierre qu'il est mechant parce qu'il est mal a laise.  Mais, aujourd'hui, Pierre est tres mechant.  Il crie a ses amies:  <>

Comme moi, les amies de Pierre sont triste.  Ils pluerent.  Et, apres la, ils decident que dire a Pierre:  <> Et ils courent vers chez leur.  Ils sont contentes d'etre sauf Pierre.  Fin.   
Finalement, je comprend.  C'est la vie:  etre triste, mais aussi etre contente.

Bittersweet.  
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It's a shame that nobody knows this thing that we got

There's this line that you can't cross with the internet.  You, in general, can't be too rude or sarcastic or joke around too much, because the fact that you're not serious just doesn't translate.  But you, specifically, cross that line repeatedly.  Maybe it's just me, stupid oversensitive me, who is hurt and annoyed and confused by what you say, or rather, type.  That's the thing with the internet - everything is totally out of context, no human contact, no facial expressions or sighs or audible laughs.

I let someone affect my mood again today.  I always expect people to be perfectly nice and sensitive and modest and watch what they say - okay, yeah I expect people to act like me.  And then when they don't, I'm shocked and hurt and disappointed.  I'm stupid and naive and like Taylor Swift minus the good hair, musical talent, and legions of fans.   

Two of my facebook friends are having a very philosophical conversation via wall posts right now, and it's all coming up in my news feed.  As creepy as it is that I'm reading it, I love that facebook, and the internet in general, reveals new sides of people.  Or, I guess, the sides of people that they want us to see. 

A mysterious giant bruise that I'm sure you're hugely interested in has appeared on my right hand at the base of my thumb.  When I noticed it this afternoon it was really bright blue, but now it's faded to a sort of brownish purple.  Just thought you ought to know.
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You don't have to look up at the stars

Occasionally I'll be browsing the internet (clicking through blogs or repeatedly pressing the "someone new" button on listography) and I'll find someone who reminds me of me.  She's usually sixteen, and her little icon photo is not distasteful.  Her list of favorite books tends to include those by Jane Austen and Sarah Dessen, and she probably has some kind of reference to "Gilmore Girls."  Some element of Harry Potter is probably present.

And then it sort of hits me, when I'm reading about these girls who leave on the other side of the country but are so much like me, that the things that I thought made me interesting aren't actually that unique after all.  I'm just a normal teenage girl who likes the things that teenage girls like.  There are two sides to this - disappointment (I wish I was quirky) and relief (I'm not as weird as I thought I was).  At least I can give myself credit for being able to make absolutely no sense.

Oh hey guess what?  I haven't played Farmville in months.  MONTHS.  And I don't miss it at all.  Also, listography is the best thing I've found on the internet in a long time.  Even though Briana found it.  Even even though Krista really found it.    
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Big hearts are for breaking

I had a good day today.  A good day to follow a good weekend.  I'm hoping for good days for the rest of the week.

  "Forever is composed of nows."
- John Green
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Won't stop to surrender

The only advice my mom's given me this weekend is to sleep on it.  And maybe that's worked out.  I feel better today than I did yesterday, and a lot better than I did on Friday.  I've got this Jason Mraz-esque positive outlook/everything will be okay attitude.  Combined with a good Sunday and the smell of cupcakes in the air, I'm in an amazing mood.

Today Ellie and I hung out with Alex.  The ability of my friends to legally drive me places still freaks me out.  We went down to Seal Beach and walked around on Main Street.  Typical Southern California beachy tourist experience.  Alex even bought a "Seal Beach" t-shirt from a store containing hundreds of Hawaiian shirts.  I miss summer a lot. 


I'm hoping for a good week this week.  There're only a few weeks left until Spring break.  It didn't get dark until after 7 tonight.  I'm going to take that as a sign that summer's on its way.   
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Pretend there's something more left in your town

This is a Looking for Alaska sort of night.  A crying over The Notebook sort of night.  A night in which I wish I am Emma Watson, get nostalgic over "The OC", and wonder why Owl City lyrics are suddenly so relevant to my life.  I've reached this point where no one can tell me what I should do, because no one knows.  But the problem is that I don't know either.  I'm sitting here listening to the playlist I'm working on for my French penpal and I can hear the heater fan humming and I'm thinking that I should repaint my nails tonight because I hate when they get all chipped like this.

And I'm wondering why I'm not more upset.  An hour ago I was screaming at my mom for giving me advice that I didn't want to hear and now... Now, I'm just not sure.  I suddenly feel like everything's going to be okay despite the fact that there's no way everything could be okay.  It's like the ending to "Pearl Harbor", a movie that I'm sure I think about much more than anyone else who watched it in AP World last year.  Ben Affleck's character and Josh Hartnett's character are best friends.  But then one of them dies in the war (I don't remember specifically which one but I don't think it matters that much) and the one that didn't die ends up with the dead one's girl friend.  Then they have a kid and name it after the dead one.  They were happy, Kate Beckinsale and the not-dead character, as happy as they could be, but they were still living with the thought of the dead character.  So it worked out, but really, it didn't.

But chances are that I put way more emotion into that movie than it actually had.  It was a war movie, after all, about the bombings and crashes and explosions.  But I'm me, oversensitive, overemotional.  Feeling things that aren't really there.

Or rather, feeling things too heavily.  That's what got me into this mess in the first place.

As the Kangster has been known to say time and time again, "BLEH." 
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You hold me down, you've got me living in the past



Sometimes people say amazing things to me and I have to write them down: 
oh welll
you lost a friend
she lost a friend
i ate a friend
circle of life

This has been the worst week ever.  I feel like I'm back in 8th grade, following the standard reactions to conflict:
1. Get defensive.
2. Get angry.
3. Run away and cry.
4. Think of all the things I should've said instead of getting defensive.  
5. Cry some more.

"I say all the right things
At exactly the right time
But I mean nothing to you and I don't know why
And I don't know why."
-- "Everything You Want," Vertical Horizon

So why is it that my guy friends are giving me better advice than my mom and my girl friends right now?  
Mom:  I don't know what you should do.  
Me:  Thanks.
Mom:  Let me think about it.
That's the scariest thing ever - when your mom won't tell you what to do, because she doesn't know herself.  

I'm dragging everyone into this.  
I'm sorry.

I wish I was Franklin the Turtle and I could just crawl into my shell and hide away from the world.

I should title this "look at her friends they're slowly edging away."
But I've used that one already. 
Not sure I like this center alignment thing.  What do you think?


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Cause I got time while she got freedom

I have this legitimate fear that I'm going to meet my French penpal and she's going to be mean.  I just emailed her for the first time, and I have to somehow get to know her over the next few weeks so that when I have to spend six hours with her it's not totally awkward.  But I'm not even sure how to pronounce her name so it's going to be pretty awkward no matter what.

I also have this fear that this cold I have right now is just going to get worse.  But I'm not missing seeing Alex on Saturday, and I'm not missing the nature center on Sunday, despite how much it scares me.  It's like this:


And then I'm like this:
But I have hair, thank God.  Anyhow that fright goes way back to Girl Scouts circa first grade, when we went on a field trip and the other girls told me there were raccoons.  And of course, because I was a gullible little first grader, I believed them.  I mean, just look at it.


It's scaring me right now, and it's not even real.  Just look at those teeth.  But it's not as bad as the teeth of a possum (an opossum?).  I can't even post a picture of one here.  I'll never sleep again.  Google it yourself.   

The raccoon is staring at me.  Jesus God.  Oddly enough I've started saying that lately.  Or not saying it - just thinking it.  Like when someone is driving really slow I think, "Jesus God really?"  And when I see a girl in shorts and Ugg boots - "Jesus God, why?"  I'm not a Christian, not at all, and I'm not even a particularly religious Jew.  I don't know anyone who says it.  I don't know where it came from.  But it'll go away eventually.  I went through that phase where I was always saying, "pro skills."  That passed, thank God. 

Now I'm saying "thank God" too.  I'm not thanking God.  It's just an expression.   
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Sometimes perfection can be perfect hell

Overheard today
Guy 1:  Dude, I'm so hungry!
Guy 2:  I'm SO cold!
Guy 1:  I could like eat a small child!
Guy 2:  What is up with the fucking weather, man?

I feel absolutely horrible right now.  I've used up more than an entire box of tissues tonight.  I haven't studied for my math test and I've barely studied for physics.  But I feel like crap and I just want to go to sleep.  The grading period ends this week and my grades are going to suck and I just want to go to sleep.  This has been the worst week ever, and it's barely half over.

I have all this stuff floating around in my head about honesty and values and whatnot, but I'm too tired right now.  Tomorrow, yes?  Or maybe this weekend.  Again:  worst week ever.  
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Play the song without the hook in the third line

Thing One:  Getting face wash in your eyes.  I really really hate that.  It's really painful.  So is that tingling feeling you get when your foot falls asleep, and you don't want to move it because you know that'll hurt more, but you have to because if you don't it will never wake up.

Thing Two:  When something that was once fully yours ceases to be completely yours because you show it to someone else and they take a stake in it.  (i.e. the note, this blog, your nanowrimo novel-ish thing, a secret crush when it's not a secret anymore, your black leggings that your sister borrows without telling you.)

Thing Three:  That inkling to do something, anything but what you're doing right now.  But you can't put a finger on what that something is.  You just know that this, whatever this is, sleeping eating sitting doing homework, isn't what you want to be doing.  You turn on the tv but that's not what you want to be doing.  You can't focus on a book and no one's online and texting is stupid.  Restlessness.

Thing Four:  The way people act when they're with their friends.  You pick up on this as you're sitting in class listening to the people that sit around you, because somehow you're the only one in this part of the room that doesn't know everyone else.  Seating chart fluke.  Two minutes ago you asked this guy a question about the problem on the board and now he's singing Billy Ray Cyrus in a high-pitched voice under his breath.  About-face.

Thing Five:  Anger.  Withheld anger.  Anger that boils up to the surface all of a sudden.  Anger that you can see in the way someone holds their hands by their sides, the way they grit their teeth when they talk, the way they become forceful, frustrated, cold. 

Thing Six:  That blunt edge that you have to your voice when you're talking about that one thing that drives you absolutely insane, the one that only your mom and your clueless friend can pick up on.

Thing Seven:  Thinking about the future.  When you think about the future so much that it becomes this vast expanse of not knowing, this big open space of possibilities, of what ifs buts and sos.  When you imagine your life as if you're a character in your favorite book or some book you got from the library a long time ago and can't remember the name of but can't get out of your head.

Thing Eight:  Goals.  Setting goals.  Not setting goals but keeping them in the back of your mind anyway.  Cleaning off your desk, going through the old bottles in your bathroom, making a decoupage project with the fortune cookie fortunes you've been saving for the last year. 

Thing Nine:  The way that someone can say something perfectly nice to you and you're so awkward that you're caught off guard and ask them to repeat it - "what?" - even though you heard it clearly the first time.  And then you're sitting there and wondering what the hell that's supposed to mean.  You're golden.

Thing Ten:  The second person.  The ubiquitous "you" - the openness, take-your-pick, serve yourself methodology.  The you, the reader you.  The you, the you that you, the reader you, want to talk to as you're reading about the you, the you that the writer is talking to.  Thinking about a word so much that it becomes meaningless.  Thinking that if you, you yes you, read this far then you, yes you, deserve a cookie, but should type you you you something about you into the comments instead.   
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Si tu me suis, si tu me crois aussi

Things I want to do but can't (also, wishes, dreams, hopes):

1. Cut the person who is constantly making me feel like crap and hurting me out of my life for good.  (This is what psychologists and my mother call a toxic friendship.)
2. Take a year off after high school and spend it studying art and architecture in Rome and Paris.
3. Buy every single dress on ModCloth.  (This is what psychologists call shopaholic tendencies, and what my mother calls ridiculous.)
4. Accidentally-on-purpose lose my copy of Hamlet and not search for it.
5. Say what I'm thinking at all times no matter what it is.
6. Invent a magical pencil that never runs out of lead or needs a new eraser.
7. Go back to 1818 and be Jane Austen's best friend.
8. Find our lost VHS of "Peter Pan" starring Mary Martin, from which this quote comes: “If you close your eyes, you may see a pool of lovely pale colors. If you squeeze them tighter, the pool will take on different shapes, and the colors will become brighter - so bright, that in a moment they’ll go on fire. And in that moment, just before they do, you will see Never Land.
9.  Not care what other people think.
10. Score 2400 on the SAT.
11. Live to be 100 years old.
12. Be able to sing well, then join choir and be an annoying choir girl.
13. Get an A in math class.
14. Visit the new Harry Potter theme park in Florida right when it opens, in costume, with my friends.
15. Live in a world where stereotypes don't exist and everyone is who they want to be without pressure from others forcing them to be someone else.
16. Be one of those happy-all-the-time people. 
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Secret dreams

I love watching the Oscars.  I've always had this secret desire to be a famous actress - not because of the fame and fortune, or because of the actual acting.  What's attractive to me is how tight-knit the industry is.  They're all family, and they all know each other, and when Sandra Bullock wins for Best Actress, she gets up there and dedicates her award to the other four fabulous nominees that didn't win.  They all just seem like such a fabulous bunch of people - George Clooney making faces at the camera and Stanley Tucci joking around with Meryl Streep.   

Obviously there's bad parts of the movie industry, too - the competition and standards of beauty and things of that nature.  But I'm not destined to be an actress, anyway.  If I do end up at the Oscars someday, I'll be the frantic one who cues commercials, or the silent one who directs people to their seats, or some non consequential thing of that nature.

Today I met with an SAT tutor.  He seems to think that my math score is not indicative of my true math abilities, which is a good thing, I suppose.  I absolutely hate testing.  It's so pointless, especially if it doesn't show your true intelligence anyway.  But my mom wants me to raise my score, and so I shall.  She also wants me to enter writing contests and go to writing camp so I can show colleges that I'm truly dedicated.  But I don't know if I'm truly anything - intelligent or dedicated.  We'll see how that goes.   

And I've now managed to get nail polish all over my hands.  On the palms of my hands.  That takes skill, if I do say so myself. 
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My my my, my my my my my

I bought new nail polish today.  I picked up a bottle of black polish and my mom said, "are you going goth on me?"  Sorry mom, not today.  Just a bit tired of the bright colors.  Then I did some homework and went out to dinner with my mom and little sister and my little sister's best friend.  They gossip so much, but then again I guess I do to, or at least I did when I was that age.  Then my mom and I watched "Vanity Fair" this evening before my dad came in and interrupted, asking me which characters were vampires.

Last night I posted something on 43 Things about my goal to stop biting my cuticles.  I got this comment:
"... It is very hard for oversensitive people to go through teenage years and settle in life in general. We don’t go into drugs and crazy behavior, we can’t be assertive most of the time, we get taken advantage of and we generally give more than we take. We keep blaming ourselves for being meek and try to change. It will not change! We just need to change the way we look at ourselves. We are the better part of humanity :) It just takes a few years and some life experience to build that confidence and not worry that what you start will go wrong. It will go wrong quite often, but you need to be ready to get out of your comfort zone in order to get anywhere. After a few falls you do find out that it doesn’t hurt that much and people who laugh at you are only simple bullies who can’t do much better."   
I've been thinking about that, and about how all of it applies to me.  It all sounds exactly like me.  I've never applied the word "oversensitive" to myself before, but I guess it's true.  I let people walk all over me, I don't like to express my opinions if they disagree with someone, I'm constantly disappointed when I expect people to treat me as well as I treat them.  I think that's what causes so many of the friend issues I've been having lately - I pick up on these silly little details that don't mean anything and blow them up and let them hurt me.  I'm shy in crowds and I follow the rules and I'm practical.     

But then there's this other part of me, too - the astrologist in me wants to say the Gemini part.  There's this part of me that likes to tell stories and be the center of attention.  I "can bounce around from one topic to another with great ease" (according to AOL horoscopes).  I'd like to hope I have that Gemini "razor-sharp wit" and I'm curious and talkative, sometimes.  I want to see everything and do everything and be a part of everything.  And that's such a contradiction from the shy part of me, the part that wants to hide out in a giant library all day, the part of me that wants to be a recluse artist hidden away from the world.    

Ironically, though, that'd be the Gemini influence too, the double personality, the twins, yin and yang.  I like this:  "They can be light and breezy as the breath of spring, but their words can also carry the power of a gale force wind."  In theory, that's such a great way to be, a great personality to have - to be the life of the party but at the same time, the grounded one, the one who can handle any situation with poise and calmness.  But in reality, I don't think that's possible, to have the best of both worlds, unless you're a work of fiction, that is.  And I'm not - I'm here, in the real world, where I have to conquer my shyness sometimes, and sometimes watch what I say.         

"The air of Gemini is always changing direction. First the winds blow one way, then another... This is a restless and searching wind."
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I'll be holding all the tickets and you'll be owing all the fines

This song is absolutely gorgeous.  France is gorgeous. 



I spent the evening watching "Persuasion" with my mom and my little sister.  I remember the first time I watched "Pride and Prejudice" - I had absolutely no idea what they were saying.  The dialogue seemed so dense and confusing.  But now I understand it.  I wish Shakespeare worked like that.  Hamlet is the bane of my existence right now.  Besides my history teacher. 

I wish friends worked like that.  I wish things just got easier as you got older.  I wish you could grow out of things, bad habits, like the way you grow into oversize ears and hand-me-down jeans.  I hate that you have to work for friendships - I wish it was like in books, where perfect friendships come effortlessly, naturally, two corner pieces of a jigsaw puzzle.    

Good things that happened this week:
1. A girl whose style I admire told me she liked my outfit.
2. I did well on a French test.
3. I resolved to cure my bad habits.
4. I rediscovered my lost love for the movie "Hook."
5. I got a bunch of books from the library that I don't have time to read but will somehow read anyway.

Yes, I can blog twice in one day if I want to, okay?
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L'avenir

Today I was in the car with my mom and she suddenly reached over and swatted my hand out of my mouth.  I didn't even realize I was biting my cuticle - but there I was, biting it.  And then I looked at my hands, my fingertips.  Eight out of the ten are torn up and red and swollen.  Then I came home and did some internet research.  This is a real medical condition.  It's called dermatillomania, and it's compulsive skin picking.  I started looking at all these pictures - these people with torn-up backs and arms and faces and fingers so swollen they can't bend them.  And I'm done with this.

So I found this website called 43 Things.  It's about setting goals, and reaching them.  The reaching them part is important.  And then I joined it, and I set a goal for myself.  It's in the side bar of my blog now.  You can bug me about it if you want, but I'm likely to snap at you.

Also, laugh at me.  Go ahead.  It's just my fingers, right?  And picking disorder - yeah, that sounds funny.  This isn't anorexia, and it's not alcoholism, but it's my problem, and hell, I'm going to fix it.  I want to have pretty hands.  I want people to compliment me on my nails.  I want to be able to tap my nails on the table all the time.  I want to be stress-free.  I want to quit sounding like a Clearasil ad.   
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Hey Mr. Nally

Everything was fine today.  The entire day was fine and then I came home and did my math homework and talked to my mom and I just sort of sunk into this funk.  I cause my own problems - I know that.  But I don't know how to stop. 

The things that usually make me feel better - watching "10 Things I Hate About You", listening to Jason Mraz - don't seem to be working tonight.  I'm just downloading fonts and not working on Hamlet and thinking I should go to bed early tonight.  Talking to Michael and thinking I should be studying.  Wanting to draw with colored pens even though I can't draw and thinking I should clean my room.  Wants and shoulds and just plain old can'ts. 

This just made me really happy.  I wish I had someone to share my love of "Hook" with.  But since I don't I can just share this video with everyone.    

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I'm slipping into the airwaves

Thoughts/Actions:

1. I wrote today.  Not anything particular and not anything good, but I was walking to math class and I got this phrase stuck in my head - I was thinking about how I want to be like JD Salinger, alone and left alone to be alone - and so I wrote it down.  But then I gave it to Bouclée because it was my turn to right her a note and I felt bad that I hadn't.  (Can I have it back, please?) 

2. I always think that my name is unique until I see someone else that has it.  I just came across an artist with the first name Natasha on twitter, and whenever I hear someone yell "Natasha!" or "Tash!" or "Tasha!" at school, I always think they're calling me, and then I turn and they're not and I look stupid.

3. The VidCon schedule is out, and holy crap.  I can't handle this much nerdiness in one room.  I'm not going to be able to keep my fangirly nature hidden for very long.

4. There is such a thing as expressing too many opinions.  Sometimes people just need to shut up.  Like, "her boyfriend looks gay."  Um, I'm pretty sure he's not.    


5. I shouldn't read the horoscopes that aren't mine.  I shouldn't read "Your friend has a secret she needs to spill, but she's afraid she'll freak you out.  You can guess what it is, but you haven't wanted to pry.  On the 6th, Mercury will urge you to get her talking." and automatically assume that I'm the friend with the secret.  But I will be in France on April 6th without a Sagittarius.  So I'm not going to be pestered to spill, right?  (My April horoscope, by the way, says I will be taking my look to the next level and I should go party-hopping to show it off.  Also, my crush will love it.)

6. I hate liars.  Lying is like saying, "oh hey I don't trust you enough to tell you something that's really important."  That's what hurts me the most - knowing someone has no confidence in me and won't trust me with their secrets but keeps me around anyhow.  (And yes, I know, I've established myself as a horrible secret-keeper.  That's not the point.)  These aren't necessarily big secrets I'm talking about, anyhow.  These are 6th grade secrets.

7. I wish we weren't so reliant on forming relationships via the internet.  Not that there is anything wrong withh online friends - but I'm more comfortable with some of my good friends online than I am in real life.  I'm too dependent on the internet, instant messaging and email and facebook, for sharing bad news and good news and whatnot.  No wonder I'm so socially awkward.

8. Actually, I make my own life awkward.  I talk too much or not enough, and I share what I shouldn't share and don't share what I should.  And cliques are stupid, not that that's at all relevant in any way.

9. My dad is turning 50 in a few weeks.  And my momsy's already 50.  It's so weird to think about that.  I was just helping my mom with party invitation wording - "a half-century."  Damn.  I really hope my dad starts taking better care of himself. 

10. This is proof that writing a blog post over several hours is not always successful.  My mood has gone downhill since dinnertime, and now here it is for everyone to see.  I wish I was one of those always happy people.  I admire those people so much.
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I know in time this ship will hardly ever cross my mind again

I just got home from a France info meeting.  As excited as I am, new places freak me out.  Also, new people, new foods, and planes.  And all of those things are involved in this trip.  This is a different kind of stress, though - it's not school related, but it's still stress.  I don't like stress.

This is another one of those long weeks.  Ugh.  We're all picking classes for senior year right now, and if that isn't stressful, I don't know what is.  I keep comparing myself to everyone else - well, she's taking pre-calc, shouldn't I do that too? - and it sucks.  I hate that I do that.  Next year, it's only going to get worse, when everyone's applying for UCLA and USC and I just want to go to some liberal arts school where I can read books all day and not have to listen to cheerleaders gossip. Not that I don't gossip myself.  God, I really need to knock that off. 

21+ shows = sad Natasha

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Mars ain't the kind of place to raise your kids

I was in an absolutely terrible mood today. 

I felt like Alicia Silverstone's character in "Clueless" when she finally realizes that she's in love with her hot stepbrother-not-really-because-they-got-divorced, Josh, but it's too late because Brittany Murphy's character is in love with him too.  Besides the fact that I'm not in love with my not-stepbrother, my life is one giant teen movie cliche.*  I'm a cliche.  Yee gads, I'm a cliche.  I'm a stupid teenage girl who procrastinates on facebook and cares too much about what her hair looks like and cries over little things that don't matter at all and fangirls her favorite bands and has magazines all over the floor of her bedroom. 

I felt like I used to in elementary school, when I'd wander away from my friends during recess to see if they'd notice I was gone.  I was a weird, selfish little girl.  And sadly, I don't think much has changed.  It's all I, I, I and me, me, me.  That's one of those stupid teenage girl cliches too - self-obsessed and self-righteous and ignorant.  Not selfpossessed, because that's a good thing, despite the way it sounds.    

I just told Megan about how it's a situation, and she said, "hopefully [he] isn't like the situation from Jersey Shore.  I love that show.  And Housewives of Orange County."  Megan makes me smile on crappy days.** 

I will stop biting my nails and picking at my cuticles.  I WILL.  I will?  Yeah, okay.  I will.  Positivity, right?  It's hard to be positive on Monday.  

* I thought the end of that movie was very creepy.  He was way to old for her.  But I still love Jane Austen's Emma.  And my life is also not like Alicia Silverstone's character's because I get good grades, am not blond, and am not going to end up with my hot older not-stepbrother.  I might end up with 27 bridesmaids dresses and a hydroplaned car, though.  (Also, I felt like I just found out my favorite love song was written about a sandwich.  Since I'm working the chick flick references tonight.)     
** I haven't used footnotes in a very long time.  How retro of me.