In these bodies we will live in these bodies we will die

In these bodies we will live in these bodies we will die

I feel really lonely right now and I have papers to write and I don't know how to write them and why won't this damn cold go away?  I did something that I think is probably going to be really good for someone that I really love but I think it's going to end up hurting me, because I'm like the forever bridesmaid or some shit like that, and I want to cry but these walls are paper thin so my options are the bathroom or the stair well or the parking lot and why is life like that?  Like this?  I don't like when things change but I don't like when things get boring and my feet are cold but my socks are too far away.  I know that Emma is better at being a human being than me and that frustrates me and makes me angry at her and I got tears on my glasses.

One foot in sea one on shore

One foot in sea one on shore

What I do when I'm at home and I feel like this:  cut things out of magazines and make a mess on my bedroom floor; watch "The Notebook"; squeeze myself into small spaces and turn up Bon Iver really loud; blog even though I know I shouldn't.  When I'm sitting in a room with lots of windows and it's dark outside and I can't be bothered to close the shades, I wonder if there are people out there watching me, because during the day when I'm in rooms with lots of windows and it's light inside and outside, I look outside and I watch people walk by and boys juggle things that could be on fire but aren't and thank god.  Right now I feel like it's suddenly dawned on me that the walls here are almost literally made of cardboard and that means that when I'm standing in the hallway I can hear people talking in their rooms, and when I'm sitting in the common room and people leave their rooms and go to the bathroom, I can play this game with myself where I try to guess who's emerged from their own cardboard box, which is silly because I rarely find out the answers.

Things that make me cringe:  when people use internetisms in real-life conversations ("do want!" "ftw!" etc.); girls who don't shave their legs; pigeon pose in yoga class; how cold I am right now.  Last night after I turned my light off and my eyes adjusted to the darkness, I looked at the two shelves above my dresser and thought about how comforting it is to have a shelf full of books, even though they're not my favorites and most of them I'm sure I'll hate and I thought we were done with ancient Greece but we're moving back to it at the end of next week and I guess the way this works is that we're never really done with anything.  That's hard to get used to.

And you rip out all I had just to say that you won

And you rip out all I had just to say that you won

I should be reading a book or doing homework or deciding where I'm going to college or something but instead I spent the early part of this evening watching the news and Anderson Cooper and Bill Maher and listening to sixty seconds of Obama's soothing voice and I really do think that no matter what you think about his politics, you have to admit that he has a wonderful voice.  Yesterday it rained for about five minutes and then the sun came out and shined down between the clouds and it was all very surreal and that's how I've been feeling lately, odd and like I'm stuck in this in-between zone between what's happened and what's coming. 

I've been listening to boy bands a lot and writing in my dream journal and apparently not using commas, and I've been sitting quietly in English class and listening to boys talk crap about women and I haven't been saying anything about it because I almost feel like I'm leaving this school and these people in two months anyway and they don't care what I have to say so it doesn't really matter.   

Now I think maybe I'll go read and go to bed and maybe get ten hours of sleep and then record all my dreams in the morning.

Sigh no more no more

Sigh no more no more

I did very little of anything this weekend, and I slept twelve hours last night and sweat out a fever and I feel really good right now and I'm in a really good mood and there's school tomorrow so I know it won't last but do you ever wish that you could pause time and make a moment last forever?  Not this moment, necessarily, this moment where I'm sitting in my pajamas listening to my fingers hitting the keys thinking that I should go to bed early and read for a while, but a moment from Friday night or from yesterday when I was sick and watching "The Vampire Diaries" and things were perfect because that's all there was.  I don't know where I'm going next year but I think that's okay because for some reason short-term plans are satisyfing enough for right now. 

That's really all I have to say right now.  What happened to my long endless rambling grammar-less blog posts that spun into baseless musings on God-only-knows-what? 

But I can't move the mountains for you

But I can't move the mountains for you

I really need a haircut but I'm trying to grow it out and also I guess I've given up my curling iron and straightener and blow dryer for Lent, even though I'm not Catholic and have no plans to be anytime soon.  I've watched more movies in the last week ("Sweet Home Alabama") than I have in the past three months, and I went to the library yesterday to get Pride and Prejudice but I couldn't find it, which was kind of upsetting, but then I came home and found my copy on Gillian's bookshelf.  So now I'm rereading it for the billionth time and it gets funnier and more right every time I read it.  It makes me so happy.

Time is going by really fast now, and I'm losing track of what day it is and tomorrow's Thursday already even though I'm pretty sure yesterday was Monday, and I have the ticket stub from "The King's Speech" on my picture board above my desk and the date on it is 12/29/10, and I can't believe it's been that long.  But all that means that graduation is so much closer.  God, I can't wait.

Roll away your stone I'll roll away mine

Roll away your stone I'll roll away mine

I think I'm predisposed to be pessimistic, or at least realistic, in the sense that people make me sad and I keep expecting the worst from everyone and I can't seem to finish good books because I know they're going to break my heart.  I'm sitting here listening to Mumford & Sons and what I really want to do is go run through fields of daisies and forget about college letters and math tests and Macbeth.  My head is full of the imagery of winter, grays and blues and clouds and long hair and scarves and cold noses and big piles of leaves.  I'm so excited to live where it snows. 

Tonight I went to dinner with my mom at a vegetarian hippie sort of place in Fullerton where she used to go when she was in college.  Then we went to the bookstore and didn't buy anything, and came home and watched "The Romantics", which wasn't very good but was pretty nonetheless and kind of related to Arcadia because isn't that how things work, things in life always relate to what I've read in class?  Just one of those laws of nature, like it always rains when I really don't want it to and math tests are always hard.  Tomorrow Gilly and I are going to the movies.  As much as I'm so ready to graduate, I love this time right now that I get to spend with my little sister and with my favorite fictional characters and with myself.  I like being alone.  Will I ever get to be alone next year? 

I should go to sleep but I know I won't.  Another one of those rules of life.

Don't cover yourself with thistle and weeds

Don't cover yourself with thistle and weeds

I have a headache that won't go away, and people are dying on the other side of the world.  I read three books this weekend, went to the movies, finished all my homework, hung out with my friends like I never do.  I ran outside after the rain and finished a roll of film, started crocheting a scarf, began writing a new story.  If it rains again this week, I'm going to be glad for it, if only because my car needs a bath.  I should go to bed early tonight but I know I won't.  I wish there wasn't so much I wanted to do, but I guess then I'd be nothing, or no one.     

I ran out of film right before I noticed the reflection of the trees in the gutter, so I took a bunch with my digital, but I feel like it distorts the color.  Real life is so much brighter than anything a camera can give me.    

But my heart told my head this time no

But my heart told my head this time no

Today Gilly and I bought Mom a carrot cake for her birthday, which she will have to eat by herself because none of the rest of us like carrot cake.  Tomorrow we're going out to breakfast and to the movies, and it's a four day weekend.  I have so many projects to do, and I'm going to "Macbeth" on Saturday night, and trig is hard and I hate it, but I've been writing a lot lately and it's been distracting me from forthcoming college rejections.  I like the way the pen feels on the paper and I think that's the root of it, it makes me feel accomplished, and I think that's why everything I write by hand is so much better than what I type. 

Me and this blog are growing apart.  I can't finish a post, and I can't sleep through the night. 

Didn't I my dear

Didn't I my dear

I have my last three finals tomorrow and I'm worried but probably not as much as I should be. We have a three-day weekend, and I have a bit of homework and a college interview and I'm going to a musical with my mom, and I want to put up some new posters in my room, which means moving around some of my current posters and maybe buying some new frames, and I want to clean out my closet and my sock drawer, especially my sock drawer, because I was looking for socks this morning and I realized that the majority of my socks are not white, which is kind of inconvenient for wearing shoes and am I really writing about my sock collection right now?

And speaking of collections because this is how my mind works, I want to finally organize my postcards into my album, and I want to go through my magazine stash and gather the ones all around my room and put them away, and I want to finish my current roll of film because it has some pictures from the evening of formal on it and I'd like to see if they turned out, and I want to blow dry my hair because I haven't in forever. Also I want to burn some new cds and change out the ones in my car and update my iPod and my sister's as well because she's been bugging me about it, and I want to read, a lot, and finish Never Let Me Go and maybe figure out what it's talking about.

There are a zillion movies I want to watch and a zillion tv shows to catch up on and a load of books I want to read and I want to drive around with my sister singing Taylor Swift as loud as we can. Being at the same school with Gilly now, I spend so much more time with her and I keep finding myself thinking about how lonely it's going to be for the both of us when I'm not here next year.