The story begins again and again

The story begins again and again

So I think I have this thing with emotion and being emotional and trying to explain my emotions, or maybe it's a thing with explaining, with always wanting to be taken a certain way, with not wanting to be misunderstood, with wanting to justify my actions constantly, constantly, always.  But I'm overcompensating, always overcompensating, putting in more than I'm getting back, doing more for other people than they're doing for me, trying to explain myself to people who are just going to misunderstand me anyway because they're choosing to misunderstand.  Selective listening - selective understanding.  We see things the way we want to see them, take what we want to take.

And we judge, we're always judging.  I'm always judging, always fearing others judging me.  And I'm always afraid of change, of letting others change me, of changing for others.  There's this thing (there's always a thing, isn't there?) about being yourself, about being yourself no matter what others say or do or want.  But what if (and there's always a what if) I don't know who I am?  We go on journeys to find ourselves - there are books about it -

God.  There are books about it.  I think I know so much, don't I, because I've read about it.  Life's going to kick my ass - it has already.  And it's not going to stop.  I live in this bubble of self-pity and bottomless wallets and oblivion.

What's that thing that they say?  Shit happens.  Life sucks.  Let me get out my hamburger phone and pretend I'm Juno and maybe things will turn out alright before the screen goes black and the credits role.  What the hell am I saying?  What am I doing anymore?

Today's Sunday but tomorrow isn't

Today's Sunday but tomorrow isn't

Dynahlee told me I should write my post tonight on how amazing my dad is and how lucky I am that I don't have to live with her parents. But I'm not going to do that, because then I'm going to get totally sappy and go on about how much I wish she didn't have to deal with any of the stuff that she deals with, because she's amazing and doesn't deserve any of it.

So instead today I'm going to talk about the contents of my brain. The things inside my head include, but are not limited to, thoughts about:
1. My name. Like, if I were named Madison I would go by Mad, or if I were named Jim I would go by Jungle Jim.
2. The future. Like, when I'm 21, or when I can drive, or when my hair gets three inches longer I will do/be _____.
3. Facebook profile pictures. Some people just have gorgeous pictures. I really can't even describe how jealous I am of that.
4. My own stupidity. See thought #3.
5. Things that make me sad. Specifically, the Civil War and the attack on Pearl Harbor. Also, Darfur, the ending of "The Notebook.

Those are basically the things that I've been thinking about for the last hour or so. These contribute to my lack of focus when it comes to homework and blog post writing. And my lack of focus within my blog posts. And due to that lack of focus, I am about to abruptly change topics.

Tomorrow is Monday. Like every other person on planet Earth, I do not like Mondays. I have in the past even focused an entire post on how much I hate Mondays, so I don't need to repeat all that. But I sort of would rather not have weekends at all, because knowing that Monday is right around the corner just makes them so much more unenjoyable. (Firefox says unenjoyable isn't a word. But it is. I think?)

So, I hope you had a good weekend. And a good week to come!

PS Look to the right! It's a pandora box! Yay. :)