Roll away your stone I'll roll away mine

Roll away your stone I'll roll away mine

I think I'm predisposed to be pessimistic, or at least realistic, in the sense that people make me sad and I keep expecting the worst from everyone and I can't seem to finish good books because I know they're going to break my heart.  I'm sitting here listening to Mumford & Sons and what I really want to do is go run through fields of daisies and forget about college letters and math tests and Macbeth.  My head is full of the imagery of winter, grays and blues and clouds and long hair and scarves and cold noses and big piles of leaves.  I'm so excited to live where it snows. 

Tonight I went to dinner with my mom at a vegetarian hippie sort of place in Fullerton where she used to go when she was in college.  Then we went to the bookstore and didn't buy anything, and came home and watched "The Romantics", which wasn't very good but was pretty nonetheless and kind of related to Arcadia because isn't that how things work, things in life always relate to what I've read in class?  Just one of those laws of nature, like it always rains when I really don't want it to and math tests are always hard.  Tomorrow Gilly and I are going to the movies.  As much as I'm so ready to graduate, I love this time right now that I get to spend with my little sister and with my favorite fictional characters and with myself.  I like being alone.  Will I ever get to be alone next year? 

I should go to sleep but I know I won't.  Another one of those rules of life.

Remember that time we jumped the fence when the Stones were playing

Remember that time we jumped the fence when the Stones were playing

I haven't blogged in a few days, which is either a reflection of my improving mental state, or a reflection of the hours I've spent watching an entire season of "Veronica Mars" over the last three days.  Thanksgiving was fine, I suppose, but I'm not a big holiday person or a big food person so really Thanksgiving is just an excuse for everyone to interrogate me about my college plans and whether or not I have a boyfriend.  Yesterday, my mom and Gilly and I went to a musical production of "The Secret Garden", which has always been one of my favorite stories, and then we went to the mall and dinner and to the bookstore, where I bought some books that I'm really excited to read, but I'm also really excited to continue watching "Misfits" and I'm excited for the way I'm going to feel when I (if I ever) finish my college apps, so I have to prioritize all of that.

Now I'm sitting here listening to Ke$ha (who I think is a genius and is underrated) and browsing tumblr, like I always am, and I've been thinking a lot about how we perceive other people and whether it's bad to have built someone up in your head to be this amazing person, all the while knowing that you'll never have any kind of relationship with him because you're you and he's him and that's just the way things are.  But I guess what I'm wondering is if the way to avoid that, because I think everyone does that, is to avoid people completely, avoid social connections, build walls that no one can break down because it's safer knowing that no one will ever hurt you than to risk that someone will.  

And I've been thinking about not knowing someone and never really being able to know someone because a lot of what we make ourselves out to be is just shells of our inner selves or what we want people to see or think they want to see.  I'm a pessimist, I suppose, in that sense, which might be why I like television characters, because they're either stereotypes or so complicated and damaged that they don't even understand themselves.  But in the end, though, they're not real.  They're never real. 

The way you move is like a full-on rainstorm and I'm a house of cards

The way you move is like a full-on rainstorm and I'm a house of cards

Today was long, or felt long, I guess, and my hair's a mess and it was rainy so I wore my coat and my off-white beret and my high-tops, which I think are becoming my favorite shoes, and I saw "Deathly Hallows" and I cried and I kicked some girl in the head because she had her phone out during the movie, and then I came home and did nothing for several hours and didn't eat dinner and listened to Taylor Swift and talked to M and collaged and now I'm talking to A and refreshing tumblr and not looking forward to tomorrow because it's Sunday and after that, it's Monday.

I'm reading Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer right now, and I'm only sixteen pages in, which is really slow going for me as I've been reading it for three nights already, but I've been going to bed late and only reading a few pages before falling asleep, which is really unusual.  But anyhow, the narrator reminds me of myself in that his mind goes so fast that he can barely get out one thought before he's onto another - which reminds me of being in France with G and eating or not eating bloody steak and eating paninis in the rain - which reminds me of this morning in the rain, and right now, because right now I'm freezing and my hands are shaking a bit and it's making it a little difficult to type but I don't want to go to bed right now so I'm typing anyway even though I'm not saying anything at all and I'm really cold. 

All alone in the main hall

All alone in the main hall

Things I like right now:
1. The bearded hipster dancing awkwardly next to me last night while wearing a turtleneck sweater. I want one of my own to take me to concerts and be awkward and such.
2. Rory/Jess shippers who imagine them to be living happily ever in a loft in New York city, where he's an accomplished novelist and she's a famous journalist and they have little lit nerd kids.
3. "The rich and powerful take what they want.  We steal it back for you."
4. Not Mondays.
5. Rachel Bilson's entire wardrobe.

Who wants to be ordinary in a crazy mixed up world

Who wants to be ordinary in a crazy mixed up world

Lots of "The OC" = Good mood = Bad blog post.

Random questionaire.

[ ] i am a boy.
[x] i am a girl.
[x] i am shorter than 5’4.
[x] i think i’m ugly sometimes.
[ ] i have many scars.
[ ] i tan easily.
[x] i wish my hair was a different color.
[x] i have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[ ] i have a tattoo.
[x] i am self-conscious about my appearance.
[x] i wear glasses.
[ ] i would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free
[ ] i’ve been told i’m attractive by a complete stranger.
[x] i have more than 2 piercings.
[ ] i have piercing in places besides my ears.
[ ] i have freckles.

family/home life
[ ] i’ve sworn at my parents.
[ ] i’ve run away from home.
[ ] i’ve been kicked out of the house.
[ ] i have a sibling less than one year old.
[x] i want to have kids someday.
[ ] i’ve lost a child.

school/work
[x] i’m in school
[ ] i have a job
[ ] i’ve fallen asleep at work/school.
[x] i almost always do/did my homework.
[ ] i’ve missed a week or more of school.
[x] i’ve been on the honor roll within the last 2 years.
[ ] i failed more than 1 class last year.
[ ] i’ve stolen something from my job.

embarrassment
[  i’ve slipped out an “lol” in a spoken conversation.
[x] disney movies still make me cry.
[ ] i’ve peed from laughing.
[ ] i’ve snorted while laughing.
[x] i’ve laughed so hard i’ve cried.
[ ] i’ve glued my hand to something.
[ ] i’ve had my pants rip in public.

health
[ ] i was born with a disease/impairment
[ ] i’ve gotten stitches/staples.
[ ] i’ve broken a bone.
[ ] i’ve had my tonsils removed.
[ ] i’ve sat in a doctor’s office/emergency room with a friend.
[x] i’ve had my wisdom teeth removed.
[ ] i had a serious surgery.
[x] i’ve had chicken pox.
[ ] i’ve had measles

traveling
[x] i’ve driven over 200 miles in one day
[x] i’ve been on a plane.
[ ] i’ve been to canada.
[ ] i’ve been to mexico
[ ] i’ve been to niagara falls.
[ ] i’ve been to japan.
[ ] i’ve celebrated mardi gras in new orleans.
[x] i’ve been to europe.
[ ] i’ve been to africa.

experiences
[ ] i’ve gotten lost in my city.
[ ] i’ve seen a shooting star.
[ ] i’ve wished on a shooting star
[ ] i’ve seen a meteor shower.
[x] i’ve gone out in public in my pajamas.
[ ] i’ve pushed all the buttons on an elevator.
[ ] i’ve kicked a guy where it hurts.
[x] i’ve been to a casino.
[ ] i’ve been skydiving.
[ ] i’ve gone skinny dipping.
[x] i’ve played spin the bottle.
[ ]  i’ve drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.
[ ] i’ve crashed a car.
[ ] i’ve been skiing.
[x] i’ve been in a play.
[ ] i’ve met someone in person from myspace.
[ ] i’ve caught a snowflake on my tongue.
[ ] i’ve seen the northern lights.
[ ] i’ve sat on a roof top at night.
[ ] i’ve played chicken.
[ ] i’ve played a prank on someone
[x] i’ve ridden in a taxi.
[x] i’ve seen the rocky horror picture show.
[x] i’ve eaten sushi.
[ ] i’ve been snowboarding.

relationships
[x] i’m single
[ ] i’m in a relationship
[ ] i’m engaged.
[ ] i’m married.
[ ] i’ve gone on a blind date.
[ ] i’ve been the dumped more than the dumper.
[x] i miss someone right now.
[ ] i have a fear of abandonment.
[ ] i’ve gotten divorced.
[x] i’ve had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back.
[ ] i’ve told someone i loved them when i didn’t.
[ ] i’ve told someone i didn’t love them when i did.
[ ] i’ve kept something from a past relationship.
[ ] i’ve had a crush on someone of the same sex.
[ ] i’ve had a crush on a teacher.
[x] i am a cuddler.
[ ] i’ve been kissed in the rain.
[x] i’ve hugged a stranger.
[ ] i have kissed a stranger.

honesty/crime
[x] i’ve done something i promised someone else i wouldn’t.
[x] i’ve done something i promised myself i wouldn’t.
[ ] i’ve snuck out of my house.
[ ] i have lied to my parents about where i am
[x] i am keeping a secret from the world.
[x] i’ve cheated while playing a game.
[ ] i’ve cheated on a test.
[ ] i’ve run a red light.
[ ] i’ve been suspended from school.
[ ] i’ve witnessed a crime.
[ ] i’ve been in a fist fight.
[ ] i’ve been arrested.

drugs/alcohol
[ ] i’ve consumed alcohol.
[ ] i regularly drink.
[ ] i’ve passed out from drinking.
[ ] i have passed out drunk at least once in the past 6 months.
[ ] i’ve smoked weed
[ ] i’ve taken painkillers when i didn’t need them.
[ ] i’ve eaten shrooms.
[ ] i’ve popped e.
[ ] i’ve inhaled nitrous.
[ ] i’ve done hard drugs.
[ ] i have cough drops when i’m not sick.
[ ] i can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem.
[ ] i have been diagnosed with clinical depression.
[ ] i have been diagnosed with one or more anxiety disorder.
[ ] i shut others out when i’m depressed.
[ ] i take anti-depressants.
[ ] i have been anorexic or bulimic.
[ ] i’ve slept an entire day when i didn’t need it.
[ ] i’ve hurt myself on purpose.
[ ] i’ve woken up crying.

death and suicide
[x] i’m afraid of dying.
[x] i hate funerals.
[ ] i’ve seen someone dying.
[ ] someone close to me has committed suicide.
[ ] i’ve planned my own suicide
[ ] i’ve attempted suicide.
[x] i’ve written a eulogy for myself.

materialism
[ ] i own over 5 rap cds.
[x] i own an ipod or mp3 player.
[ ] i have an unhealthy obsession with anime/manga.
[ ] i own multiple designer purses, costing over $100 a piece.
[x] i own something from hot topic.
[x] i own something from pac sun.
[ ] i collect comic books.
[x] i own something from the gap.
[ ] i own something i got on e-bay.
[ ] i own something from abercrombie.

random
[ ] i can sing well.
[ ] i’ve stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant.
[ ] i open up to others easily.
[x] i watch the news.
[ ] i don’t kill bugs.
[x] i hate hearing songs that sacrifice meaning for the sake of being able to rhyme.
[ ] i curse regularly.
[x] i sing in the shower.
[ ] i am a morning person.
[ ] i paid for my cell phone ring tone.
[x] i’m a snob about grammar.
[ ] i am a sports fanatic.
[ ] i twirl my hair
[ ] i have “x”s in my screen name.
[x] i love being neat.
[ ] i love spam.
[ ] i’ve copied more than 30 cd’s in a day
[ ] i bake well.
[ ] my favorite color is either white, yellow, pink, red or blue
[x] i’ve worn pajamas to school.
[ ] i like martha stewart.
[ ] i know how to shoot a gun
[x] i am in love with love.
[x] i am guilty of typing like this.
[x] i laugh at my own jokes.
[x] i eat fast food weekly.
[ ] i believe in ghosts.
[ ] i am online 24/7, even as an away message.
[ ] i’ve not turned anything in and still got an a in a certain class.
[ ] i can’t sleep if there is a spider in the room.
[x] i am really ticklish.
[ ] i like white chocolate
[x] i bite my nails.
[ ] i play video games.
[x] i’m good at remembering names.
[ ] i’m good at remembering dates.
[ ] i have no idea what i want to do for the rest of my life

You look like the songs that I've heard my whole life coming true

You look like the songs that I've heard my whole life coming true

Day 07 - A picture that makes you cry

I honestly can't think of anything.  But I'm feeling listy tonight, so here is a list of things that do make me cry:

1. Anything that Nicholas Sparks has created
2. Lost friendships
3. December 6, 1941
4. Leaving
5. The Vietnam War
6. The series finales of "The OC" and "Gilmore Girls"
7. "Where the Red Fern Grows"
8. Late nights and songs by Greg Holden
9. "Finding Neverland"
10. Girls who congregate on the internet (specifically tumblr) to discuss their goals of being skinny

I'm in such a strange melancholy yet joyful mood right now.  Here's a list of things that I love:

1. Peter Pan
2. Dreams, knowledge, reality and surreality and unreality
3. The past, the present, the future
4. Goals for the future
5. The sound of the French language
6. Beautiful photographs
7. Monet's haystacks
8. Doctor Who
9. Pictures of Miley and Liam
10. When someone who literally stole my crayons in the second grade adds me on facebook... now do I accept?

Do you know that your love is the sweetest sun

Do you know that your love is the sweetest sun

I'm the only one still awake.  It's a bit strange and a bit creepy, but also sort of peaceful.  Quiet, aside from my iTunes playing.  I always feel a bit unsettled, though, when I don't say goodnight to my mom.

I took the SAT this morning.  It was long and boring and I really hope I did better this time.  Then I filmed with my group for history until 5:30, just sort of sat and tried not to fall asleep for an hour, then ate dinner.  And then we watched "Doctor Who", which was delightful as always.  After that I started "Peter Pan" but I turned it off at 9 with the plan of coming upstairs to shower and go to bed early since I have to get up early again tomorrow.  Yet here I am, dreaming of Neverland and scanning the depths of the internet for pictures of my favorite scenes.

"You offend reason, sir.
I should like to offend it with you."  

"Forget them, Wendy. Forget them all. Come with me where you'll never, never have to worry about grown up things again."
"Never is an awfully long time."

God, I had such a huge crush on Jeremy Sumpter.  I used to have him as the desktop background on my computer.  Maybe I should go back to that.  I think it's time for a change. 

I swear it's not me, it's just someone I used to know

I swear it's not me, it's just someone I used to know

Today was completely stressful and frustrating and sixth period always has this way of putting me in such a bad mood that I get in a fight with my mom on the way home  from school and don't speak to her for an hour.  At least I finished the script for our history video; now I'm just panicking that it's not long enough.  But I can't wait for these next few weeks to be over.  All these last-minute projects are only creating added stress.  And I'm taking the SAT tomorrow.  Yippee.  I should go to bed soon.

But first:  can someone please explain to me the difference between "what the fuck" and "what the actual fuck"?  This is completely unnecessary added emphasis.  I absolutely hate modern slang.  I hate it.  And I hate how easy it is for us to rewrite the dictionary like it's nothing at all.  Words are precious.

Okay, that made no sense.  I am so tired, and there are pieces of really brown apple on my desk from my morning snack that I never ate.  Dear future self:  do not attempt to write movie scripts because you suck.  Also, I hope you didn't fail the SAT and got into a good college and didn't totally hate it and drop out like you did with OCHSA cause that would suck.  Also, you should go to bed early, not just plan on going to bed early and then not actually do it.     

This is the way you left me

This is the way you left me

I spent the morning at the park with Ellie and Gillian and a bunch of her friends, doing zombie makeup for a video they were shooting for school. It was complete pointless and blissful and it felt like summer. Then I watched a dumb movie with Ellie and came home and watched a few episodes of "The Vampire Diaries". I love days off from school.

I wish there were more days like that, days to be free and run around and take pictures of everything and anything and nothing at all.  There's this dichotomy of happiness (I just love that word, dichotomy) in that we're so happy when we're relaxed and living simply and freely, but then we're happy when we're busy and working hard and doing exactly what we love.  And I think that if we lived totally freely all the time we'd almost feel like we're wasting time in which we could be doing something better, saving someone, changing the world.  I want to change the world, don't you?  I think we all have that naive little dream that we're the ones who can save us all.  But maybe we are.

Or maybe it's just late and I'm just rambling.  Maybe this is all just words and nothings.    

Why go risking the way that I see you

Why go risking the way that I see you

I wasn't going to blog tonight because I have nothing to say because I had a boring day with the exception of sitting through too many "oh Sam!"s, but then I looked at my dashboard and I had to blog because I'm anal like that.  My parents have left my sister and I alone tonight, and I hate being in the house without them.  It makes weird sounds, the air conditioner turns on at random times, and then when I'm blogging because I don't want to go to bed tumblr is down and it's frustrating. 

I spent all morning editing photos.  I've been thinking about art, and how the internet and all the websites therein completely challenge the definition of art as being produced by artists.  Art is this much more tangible thing now, much less formal, less distant, more hands-on.  Not that I consider myself an artist at all - but I feel like "artist" is less of a career objection and more of something that one just simply is.  Just like I'm a writer, I guess, just not a professional one.  And now this has turned in to babble - that's what happened when too-late-at-night combines with too much Lord of the Rings.

Yay, tumblr's fixed.  Now I can go to bed. 

If you think that you feel nothing at all

If you think that you feel nothing at all

1. Who actually uses the "it's complicated" relationship status on facebook when they're actually in a complicated relationship?  I thought it was just a joke... like "chillax" should never be spoken in real life and Crocs should never be worn outside one's house.

2. I really love looking at everyone's prom pictures, in a totally non-creepy, loving happy people sort of way.  I love the whole idea of getting dressed up and going to a dance - it's so classic high school experience, but in that naive 1950s sort of way, not the teenage-movie get-drunk-at-house-parties way.

3. Song lyrics, man.  Just song lyrics.  My favorites right now:  Greg Laswell, Ben Folds, Jack's Mannequin (always), Julia Nunes, Beach House, Phoenix.  So great.

4. My sister has been listening to her iHome all day.  She never listens to music.  But there she is, listening to music, and it's all mine.  All my old favorites, from 8th grade and freshman year, before I discovered the Matts and art history (Dadaism is quite similar to Gaga-ism) and cardigans.  Flashbackkkk.

5. "Letters to Juliet" was extremely cute.  Movies like that always put me in the mood to write.  I get into this mood where I type furiously on the keyboard determined to create witty characters and happy endings and entire novels in short periods of time.  Unfortunately that never works out too well.

6. How is it that whenever I want a pretty picture to come up on my tumblr dashboard, none do?  I guess that's a rhetorical question, unless you have an answer for me.  And dear person who recently left me an art joke in my formspring:  your art joke didn't make any sense.  Encore une fois, sil-vous-plait?  Also, I got nail polish all over my hands.  At least it's my favorite color.  It's called gunmetal, but the texture's weird and I think I need a new bottle.  It's by Sally Hansen.  My birthday is soon.  Hint, hint.

7.  I would like it to be summer now. I would like that a lot.  That sounds like something Dr. Suess would write.  Green eggs and ham.    

It's always have but never hold

It's always have but never hold

Every once and a while I have a sudden inexplicable feeling that I'm a bird, that I could climb up on the roof right now and jump off and soar over the palm trees and flickering streetlights with no trouble at all.  I could swoop down out of the night sky and lie down in the middle of the street with you next to me, only to jump up at the last possible second as car horns sound in our ears, loud and impatient.  We'll travel the world, you and I, wearing our lives on our backs as we journey to places we've only read about in books:  Kilimanjaro, Bath, Houston.  We'll train for marathons and then we'll win them, speeding through the finish lines with sweat darkening the collars of our numbered t-shirts as we smile with the joy of it all.  We'll conquer fears we never knew we had and we'll read poetry in Parisian cafes and Shakespeare on the streets of Verona.  We'll be the subjects of love songs and the envy of college backpackers.  

But then somewhere during our this and our that, I'll grow restless and you'll sense it coming, and I'll be aching suddenly for a break, a home, a mattress indented from the weight of me on it night after night.  This is where I will leave you, or maybe you'll leave me, just go on without me.  Who does the leaving won't matter - all that matters is that someone is gone, someone has felt the sudden, inexplicable desire to sprout wings and soar over palm trees and electric poles or fragrant pines and smoking chimneys or the Eiffel Tower and its bright lights.  For all we know or don't know, we're all birds, or dream to be so, to be able to leave, gone, gone, gone, gliding away on the ever-changing winds.

I'm coming down the world turned over

I'm coming down the world turned over

This morning I went to LACMA with my mom and we went through the Renoir exhibit, which was really interesting and cool and amazing and I realized that Renoir and Monet are just about the cutest old men I've ever seen. We also wandered into the German Expressionism exhibit, and I realized that this artists have become celebrities to me. Every time I spotted a Kandinsky or a Picasso or recognized someone's name - Jasper Johns, Richard Serra - I was excited. That's an amazing feeling. I can't wait to go back.

Then my mom and I had lunch at the museum, where I ate a croque fromage, aka a grilled cheese sandwich with a French name in honor of the Renoir exhibit. After we finished eating my mom realized that we were running out of time so we walked way too fast to the car and she drove like a maniac over to the Pantages. She drives horribly when she's stressed, and she hates being late so that causes stress. We almost got in four separate car accidents. She really isn't helping my fear of driving.

So we saw "Chicago" at the Pantages and as a result I've had "Cell Block Tango" stuck in my head all day. I sat through the entire thing with a pounding head ache, a horrible pounding on the left side of my head that couldn't be helped by Jason Mraz and sleeping in the car on the way home, or a Motrin, an hour of lying down and reading, and a bottle of water.

I finally felt better after dinner. Then we watched "Doctor Who" which was extremely scary, and a creepy episode of "The Mentalist." Now I'm sitting here in my pajamas listening to my James Blunt station on Pandora, and I just looked in the mirror and realized that I have raccoon eyes from my mascara. There are art history cards all over my desk and I haven't looked at them all day, and I have a new Monet book and a new Renoir book and they're calling to me to read them, but my desk is covered in art history cards and that's going to be a problem tomorrow when I need to do my math/English/French homework.

Tangent: Sometimes I think about how weird it would be to be someone else for a day and see how I look to other people. I think that I know how I come off - but I can't truly know. I'm blind to my own faults, to a certain extent at least. I could have a really annoying habit, like the 8th grader in my math class who is constantly dropping his pencil. Or I could complain to much and everyone hates it.

And then thinking about that leads me into thinking about judgment, and how we are so judgmental of others, and how if we weren't constantly judging we all wouldn't be so self-conscious and we could all be our truer selves and the entire world would be a happier place. Or, well, maybe it wouldn't, because then evil people would be even more evil. Not that I think people are inherently good or inherently evil - okay, never mind. This is what happens when I try to be thoughtful after 9 pm.

Oh, I forgot - I encountered British people at the museum today. Their accents were delightful. Coldplay just came on Pandora, and it's a live version so I heard Chris Martin speaking and that reminded me. After the Brits were out of hearing range I told my mom that I want to be British someday and she said that she doesn't think it works that way. Dear British boys: call me.

When I was younger I always wished I had a big set of shutters in my bedroom just like the Darling children.

Purple teardrops I cry

Purple teardrops I cry

Thank God today's over.  It's like this giant weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and it's been replaced by more than 200 art history flash cards.  Monet Van Gogh Caravaggio.  Too many.

Tomorrow:  LACMA in the morning for the Renoir exhibit, then "Chicago" at the Pantages.  Then home to study art history.  I'm justifying tomorrow to myself by "studying" at the museum - but we're only seeing Renoir, and it's late Renoir, and I don't think too much of that is on the test anyway.  But I'll just put myself in the art history mindset all day, and it'll be fine.

Mericuh.

Flickr users absolutely blow me away.  Some of these images are just too gorgeous.  I wish I had that much talent, time, creativity.  But all I have right now is stress, Michael and Ali on video chat, and way too many art history flashcards.  Also, two new books to read (after Wednesday, even though I'll start them tonight), a new dress, and a new shirt with a giant sparkly octopus on it.   

Oh Em Gee

Oh Em Gee

Things that made me happy this weekend:
1. Miley Cyrus on the cover of Parade
2. Sixteen hours (an entire season) of "The OC"
3. The amount of clutter that's taken over my desk area and half of the floor space in the room (makes me feel busy)
4. Jane Austen (just her existence in general; also her entire published works and the cinematic versions)
5. France (FranceFranceFranceFranceFrance!)
6. My mom (and her advice or lack-there-of)
7. Michael Kang's deep devotion to "The OC"
8. This, just this:

Secret dreams

Secret dreams

I love watching the Oscars.  I've always had this secret desire to be a famous actress - not because of the fame and fortune, or because of the actual acting.  What's attractive to me is how tight-knit the industry is.  They're all family, and they all know each other, and when Sandra Bullock wins for Best Actress, she gets up there and dedicates her award to the other four fabulous nominees that didn't win.  They all just seem like such a fabulous bunch of people - George Clooney making faces at the camera and Stanley Tucci joking around with Meryl Streep.   

Obviously there's bad parts of the movie industry, too - the competition and standards of beauty and things of that nature.  But I'm not destined to be an actress, anyway.  If I do end up at the Oscars someday, I'll be the frantic one who cues commercials, or the silent one who directs people to their seats, or some non consequential thing of that nature.

Today I met with an SAT tutor.  He seems to think that my math score is not indicative of my true math abilities, which is a good thing, I suppose.  I absolutely hate testing.  It's so pointless, especially if it doesn't show your true intelligence anyway.  But my mom wants me to raise my score, and so I shall.  She also wants me to enter writing contests and go to writing camp so I can show colleges that I'm truly dedicated.  But I don't know if I'm truly anything - intelligent or dedicated.  We'll see how that goes.   

And I've now managed to get nail polish all over my hands.  On the palms of my hands.  That takes skill, if I do say so myself. 

I'll be holding all the tickets and you'll be owing all the fines

I'll be holding all the tickets and you'll be owing all the fines

This song is absolutely gorgeous.  France is gorgeous. 



I spent the evening watching "Persuasion" with my mom and my little sister.  I remember the first time I watched "Pride and Prejudice" - I had absolutely no idea what they were saying.  The dialogue seemed so dense and confusing.  But now I understand it.  I wish Shakespeare worked like that.  Hamlet is the bane of my existence right now.  Besides my history teacher. 

I wish friends worked like that.  I wish things just got easier as you got older.  I wish you could grow out of things, bad habits, like the way you grow into oversize ears and hand-me-down jeans.  I hate that you have to work for friendships - I wish it was like in books, where perfect friendships come effortlessly, naturally, two corner pieces of a jigsaw puzzle.    

Good things that happened this week:
1. A girl whose style I admire told me she liked my outfit.
2. I did well on a French test.
3. I resolved to cure my bad habits.
4. I rediscovered my lost love for the movie "Hook."
5. I got a bunch of books from the library that I don't have time to read but will somehow read anyway.

Yes, I can blog twice in one day if I want to, okay?

I won't worry my life away

I won't worry my life away

Last night was the Cord Progression concert for Life Rolls On, featuring Jason Mraz.  I'm pretty sure I've established by now that I'm a control freak.  I like things to run smoothly and work out.  Last night, they seemed to, at first at least.  Everyone arrived at my house on time, and we got in the car at 6:16, which was only a minute later than the time I was aiming for.  We got dropped in the parking structure underneath the theater and then followed some strangers up the stairs.  Then I got out my passport and my credit card and we got in line to go inside.

But then the worst happened.  One of the sets of tickets got canceled on my card - automatically by Ticketmaster, without me receiving any kind of notification that this had occurred.  I only had four tickets, but I had eight people with me who wanted to go see Jason.  The lady at the door sent us to the box office, where the woman at the window told me there was nothing they could do because the concert was completely sold out.  It was one of the scariest moments of my life - I was imagining giving up my ticket and just leaving and letting four of the other girls go in, and I was talking to my mom on the phone and she wasn't telling me what to do, and everyone was staring at me wondering what was going on.  It was absolutely terrifying.  But thank God for Dynahlee, who asked to see a supervisor, and Sharon, who told the supervisor that we were teenagers who had no way of getting home.  And then the supervisor sold us tickets.  She was going to give us two sets of two in the wheelchair section - but then, as luck would have it, she found four seats in row 10.   

Yeah, ROW TEN.  We shuffled around the tickets a bit, and I felt horrible for Ellie and Sharon and Jen and Simone for ending up with row twenty-six, but HOLY SHIT ROW TEN.  The concert was absolutely amazing.  The opening acts were the Makepeace Brothers and Bushwalla, and both were great.  Jesse Billauer, the founder of Life Rolls On, also spoke for a bit and showed a bunch of videos about the organization, which is so amazing and inspirational and it makes me so happy knowing that there are people like that in the world. 

When Jason finally came out sometime between 9:30 and 10:00, Jane and Sharon were falling asleep, but they woke up right away.  He played a bunch of new songs, including one that he'd just finished that day.  I'm so lucky to have been one of the first people to get to hear it.  And he played my favorites - "Dynamo of Volition" and "You and I Both."  Despite the fact that we were several times one of the few groups standing in the theater and the people behind us actually left because of it, it was amazing.  The music was beautiful and Jason was funny and it was so, so, so much fun.    

Also Sharon saw Selena Gomez sitting in our row and freaked out, thereby ruining her indie image.  And we had a bit of a camera malfunction when Simone was trying to take our picture with the Makepeace Brothers, but it's okay because the resulting video is hilarious.  The whole night was basically a comedy of errors.  But it all turned out fantastically, and I'm so glad I had the chance to go.  <3    

Hold me close my tiny dancer

Hold me close my tiny dancer

I got my permit this afternoon.  It was one of the scariest experiences of my life.  The DMV is like an airport, with a zillion things going on at once, and if you somehow do something you're not supposed to you can get arrested.  And I literally could not understand what the man who was giving me directions was saying.  It was confusing and complicated and there were people everywhere.  And my picture - I look like a convict.  I'm not exactly sure what happened there.

Tomorrow I'm going to finish my history outline in the morning.  Before lunch.  Well, hopefully before lunch.  But probably more like 3 in the afternoon.  But then I will have all Sunday to do my physics lab and work on the Hamlet questions I've been procrastinating.  And then Jason Mraz.  I am so excited for this, I can't even describe it.

Here's something that I've been thinking about lately:  A few days ago, a guy that I know from elementary school added me as a friend on facebook.  He currently goes to the art school that I was supposed to go to beginning sophomore year.  It's sort of weird for me - like, that whole situation with switching schools and then not switching schools and my mom making me see a shrink and still not switching schools was just so weird and almost painful that I've almost just pushed the entire thing out of my head.  I don't regret the decision that I made at all, but it's so strange to see this kid's pictures (and farmville notices) come up in my news feed.  It makes me think about how different everything would've been if I had gone through with it. 

Things that made me smile this week:
1. We watched another one of those videos in art history today.  This one was on Jacques-Louis David.  The narrator is British and dramatic and it just makes me happy.
2. Alison and I spent way to long on this today, laughing and voicing our amazement at what gets created on the internet.
3. This guys in my math class - stupid sophomores, athletes - told us this ridiculous story concerning their near-arrest last weekend when they decided it would be intelligent to speed through the neighborhood upon seeing a cop car driving behind them.  Last night I was reading the local paper and saw a mention of it in the crime section.  "Juveniles detained on suspicion of shooting paint balls at a house."


To bed with me now?  Maybe.

Go on, make a mountain out of air

Go on, make a mountain out of air

Today was one of the most stressful afternoons I've had in a long time.  My history teacher does not know how to communicate.  And today was not the best either.  I hate that I let other people affect my mood.  I can be perfectly happy and smiling and carefree, but if one of my friends is feeling grumpy or angry or is acting bitchy, then I get annoyed and mimic the way that she's feeling.  What I hate even more is that I know that I do this, but I can't control it.  The more I think about it, the more frustrated I get, and then I just end up snapping at everyone who says anything to me.    

I keep typing and backspacing and typing and backspacing.  How is it that I have nothing to say tonight?  I guess it's because I know what I'm thinking - it's weird that my mom doesn't like one of my friends, I think certain people should be nicer, I think freshman girls should check the weather before they get dressed in the morning - but I can't really put it out on the internet for whoever to see.  That's the weird thing about blogging - I don't blog for you, I blog for me, but it's hard to blog for me when I have to sort of censor myself.  Oh, wait, here's something I can say:  I don't want your facebook group invitations.  Yes, you, I mean you.      

Tomorrow is Friday.  All I have to worry about is the drivers test.  And then I'm home-free, or whatever the expression is, for the weekend.  Two days til Jason Mraz!  I had an impromptu dance party to "Dynamo of Volition" about a half hour ago.  He always manages to turn my crappy days around.  :)