Saying goodbye, this time, the same old story
Day 03 - A picture of what you did todayI brought my camera with my to school today in the hopes that something exciting would happen and then I would be ready to take a picture of it. And then when something exciting finally did happen, I took my camera out of my bag, turned it on, and was informed by little tiny words on the little tiny screen that I needed to change the battery pack.
In art history we made this giant clay sculpture out of clay heads and it was really cool because this kids in my class are fricking amazing artists and my camera died and then the sculpture was squished into clay mush again. Welcome to my life. Fail day 03.
I cannot do these essays. I can't do them. And why the eff am I listening to Fall Out Boy right now? Life has this way of giving me a bucketful of crap just as I start to think that things are getting better. I can't wait to be out of high school. I just want all the gossiping to stop. And I hate that I can't talk openly about it even here because I have no idea who's reading this.
Here's why I blog: none of this is going to matter. It won't matter next month or next year or 20 years from now. Fights with friends and bad SAT scores and clay heads aren't going to matter. But life matters. Change matters. I like that I'm chronicling my life - not totally openly, but nearly, nearly enough to read this and get a sense for what I thought of myself last month, last week, last night. Diaries stress me out - but this doesn't. This is easy, and only semi-permanent. But it's my life, and here it is.
I can say this: "if you don't like what you're reading, don't read anymore." But isn't that assumed? Here's an extreme thought: if you don't like what you're reading, what I'm thinking, who I am, then why are you hanging around anyway?
That didn't make any sense. That made absolutely no sense at all. But life doesn't make sense. Like really doesn't make sense right now, as I'm feeling overwhelmed with school and college and the future and as my friends are bickering and putting each other in the middle and as I can feel myself growing apart from them, from all of them, and farther into this hole that I've pulled myself into. I can't seem to put that into words - but I feel like I'm drawing into myself, away from people who could hurt me. After eighth grade (God, this sounds so shallow), I told myself that I wouldn't let anyone hurt me like that again, that I would only be friends with people who wouldn't hurt me. And look where I ended up. Too sensitive. Too damn sensitive.
I can hear my sister downstairs laughing loudly as she watches the season finale of "Glee." But I just can't deal with that tonight. I'm up here wallowing in self-pity and homework and wondering how I've gotten to this point where I feel like I can't trust anyone but the one person who I probably shouldn't be able to trust at all. How did I get here? Isn't that a line in a song? How did I end up here?
How did I end up here?
