I let the day roll by I always say goodbye

I let the day roll by I always say goodbye

It's funny (in a totally so-not-funny-that-I-want-to-shoot-myself sort of way) how a perfectly decent day can become completely horrible all because I find out that my Euro teacher passed out a 41-page packet the day before break even though I told him ahead of time that I was going to be missing school and he should've given it to me early, and also because my printer is broken and I can never pick the right shoes to wear shopping.  I'm sitting here now thinking how ridiculous it is to be pitying myself like this because I'm going to college and my parents are going to pay 50 grand a year for it, and I'm listening to John Mayer and trying to slow my heartrate down but it's not working. 

I bought five more books at Powells last week and of course I've now overflowed my bookshelf again and I have nowhere to put them.  These are my problems.  These are seriously the problems that I think about when I can't sleep at night - what if I can't find a prom dress?  what if I get to college and everyone hates me?  how am I going to get to the Ke$ha concert next Friday?  next Friday?  what the hell happened to my senior year?    

Tomorrow M is bringing over the 41-page packet for me to photo copy and then I'm going prom dress shopping with J and Michelle and then Michael's picking up his packet and then I'm going to a city council meeting.  Then this weekend my aunt and uncle and cousins are staying with us because one of my cousins is having her Bat Mitzvah, so I guess I'm finishing all my homework on Sunday even though that's my least favorite thing in the world besides printers, because I've been wasting away all week instead of working on it.  But I only let myself do this because I know that I'm not as bad as everyone else, because I've already finished the hellish Montana 1948 and I did two-thirds of the packet and I made a video for my gov project, and it sucks but my group will have to live with it, so really all I have left is the essay outline for lit and apparently a 41-page packet for Euro. 

I need to sleep.  That's what I need to do, because apparently I need to be up by 8:30 to answer the door for M. 

I'm a mile away from where I belong

I'm a mile away from where I belong

I'm leaving for Portland tomorrow night, but before that I'm taking my Euro final, and I'm kind of terrified, moreso for Portland than the final.  I think how conscious I am of this fear of strangers and adults and children and anyone with thoughts and the potential to judge makes it even worse.  I can't remember ever stuttering or tripping over my words, and now I've developed a habit of both.  And I'm a ridiculously hypocritic person, going around worrying about everything and preaching this whole attitude of it doesn't matter what people think of you if you're happy yourself.  I hate, hate, hate that part of my happiness has to come from being liked by others - or maybe, not being disliked. 

Maybe if I sleep on my Euro review book I'll absorb its contents via osmosis.   

Run whirlwind run further and further away into the sun

Run whirlwind run further and further away into the sun

My eyes hurt from my contacts and it really doesn't make any sense until I think about it, because I should be able to wear them all day, but if I wear them til 9 pm then that's more than a 12-hour day and I don't really think they're meant for that.  This evening after dinner I took my Sons and Lovers book, which has characters that I hate more than I've ever hated any characters ever, into the living room and read on the couch there, because even though the lights buzz and the windows look out on the street and I'm afraid of passers-by looking spying on me, every time I try to read on my bed I start to fall asleep.  My plant, Ginny VI or whatever number I'm on now, has grown really huge and now I think it's too heavy to stand up on its own, because no matter how much water I give it (and no I'm not overwatering it) it just keeps drooping down over the edge of the pot.  It's like Paul Morel, and it'll never be happy because its heart is too heavy because it's carrying the weight of others and doesn't know how to stop caring about itself so much so it can be happy.  That doesn't make any sense.

I'm reading The Once and Future King because I think King Arthur is someone who I should know a lot about, as I'm becoming one of those people who has something to say about every single book ever, despite not having read any of them.  I really really like it so far, because it's light and delightful and cute and also feels like it contains all the answers to every problem I've ever had and will have.  I wish I could write like that.   

And you rip out all I had just to say that you won

And you rip out all I had just to say that you won

I should be reading a book or doing homework or deciding where I'm going to college or something but instead I spent the early part of this evening watching the news and Anderson Cooper and Bill Maher and listening to sixty seconds of Obama's soothing voice and I really do think that no matter what you think about his politics, you have to admit that he has a wonderful voice.  Yesterday it rained for about five minutes and then the sun came out and shined down between the clouds and it was all very surreal and that's how I've been feeling lately, odd and like I'm stuck in this in-between zone between what's happened and what's coming. 

I've been listening to boy bands a lot and writing in my dream journal and apparently not using commas, and I've been sitting quietly in English class and listening to boys talk crap about women and I haven't been saying anything about it because I almost feel like I'm leaving this school and these people in two months anyway and they don't care what I have to say so it doesn't really matter.   

Now I think maybe I'll go read and go to bed and maybe get ten hours of sleep and then record all my dreams in the morning.

Sigh no more no more

Sigh no more no more

I did very little of anything this weekend, and I slept twelve hours last night and sweat out a fever and I feel really good right now and I'm in a really good mood and there's school tomorrow so I know it won't last but do you ever wish that you could pause time and make a moment last forever?  Not this moment, necessarily, this moment where I'm sitting in my pajamas listening to my fingers hitting the keys thinking that I should go to bed early and read for a while, but a moment from Friday night or from yesterday when I was sick and watching "The Vampire Diaries" and things were perfect because that's all there was.  I don't know where I'm going next year but I think that's okay because for some reason short-term plans are satisyfing enough for right now. 

That's really all I have to say right now.  What happened to my long endless rambling grammar-less blog posts that spun into baseless musings on God-only-knows-what?