And your heart is a stone buried underneath your pretty clothes

And your heart is a stone buried underneath your pretty clothes

In fourteen days I will turn 18. Graduate from high school. Never have to see my least favorite people ever again. Do people really go to high school reunions? Only if I'm fat and alone and unhappy, mainly unhappy, could I ever see myself returning to high school. There's so much out there in the world that needs my help, so there's no reason to waste my time in the past. That sounds like the advice I give M or A and never listen to myself. I want to be happy. Is that a reasonable goal? When does it become selfish? I think I've thought about this before. My mind goes in circles, over and over, cycling through what I've already considered and making it feel brand new again. I wish that worked on people, places, the clothes in my closet.

I want to rewatch "Skins" this summer. I want to clean out my closet and my dresser and my bookshelf and I want to go through my massive collection of mostly blank notebooks. I want to see all of Woody Allen's films. I want to read David Foster Wallace. I want to take more pictures. I want to master freeway driving. I want to feel like I've accomplished something.

Would you really rush out for me now

Would you really rush out for me now

Today I woke up late, went out with my mom, had dinner with my parents.  Talked excessively about accolades that I don't have and schools that I didn't get into.  Watched a movie about the financial crisis.  Reminded myself a million times that there are less than 10 days left, less than 10 more days during which I have to go to school and pretend and constantly remind myself that it's almost over.  There's a part of me that thinks that I've done this all wrong, these last four years, and then there's a part of me that knows that when I'm older, when I'm looking back on my past as if it were someone else's, "this", all of it, isn't going to matter at all.  Does that make any sense?  I guess whether or not I've done what I should doesn't make a difference, because it's in the past and I can't change it now.

Tomorrow I am going to do my homework and nothing else.  I have nothing to do anymore, and it's really scary and completely gratifying because it makes me feel a little like I haven't worked this hard for nothing. 

Drinking on cheap bottles of wine

Drinking on cheap bottles of wine

When a single line of a single song gets stuck in my head along with images from "A Single Man" which might be one of those things that I sink into and never come out of.

Don't turn out the light now light now

Don't turn out the light now light now

The days are going by so fast and it's almost graduation and I think I'm starting to panic because what if I'm not ready for the future and for living so far away? But at the same time I am so ready to be done with this insane competition to have better grades than everyone else and to look better too and I'm not really sure why but sometimes it feels like looking better is easier. I'm typing this from my bed and I guess I should go to sleep but there is a dog barking outside my window and the weather is totally erratic the opposite of static and so I can't wear my cute new shorts and so I don't know what to wear. God can this week just be over already?

Come on write me a song give me something to trust

Come on write me a song give me something to trust

I've figured out my Annie Hall outfit, which is basically my mother's pants and a tie and a hat, and it's really unattractive but I'm actually excited for this presentation, if only because I love this movie and want everyone else to love it too.  Which of course is naive, because I don't think "nerd" is an insult and I like The Shipping News and basically I don't think my brain works the same way everyone else's does.

Here is a picture from prom, which was fun and kind of gross and awkward but still fun.  Now I have a dress that I will never have an opportunity to wear again.  I'm really glad I never have to go to a high school dance ever again, because, in case it wasn't clear before, they really are not my thing.

I'll keep my eyes cast on the sun

I'll keep my eyes cast on the sun

Note to self:  lime green pen does not scan well.















I am beyond frustrated right now about things that don't really matter and I don't know what to do except go to bed even though I know I won't be able to sleep.  I hate how I can never get my computer to work the way I want it to and I hate how I can never finish a project once I start it and I hate how you put you and I on the same level today and expected me to agree with you even though I think you're an asshole and you don't know about that C on my transcript or that I'm leaving here to get far away from people like you.  But the sad thing is that as much as I hate you I still think you are more interesting than anyone else I've spoken to in the last week.  I hate that.

Tell me why I should run for cover

Tell me why I should run for cover

1. Yesterday I went to the Ke$ha concert with B and E and B did my makeup like I never dare to and I screamed so much I felt like I was going to lose my voice.  It was amazing and being outside at night feels different than being outside during the day which I know makes sense but I guess nothing I ever say does anyway.

2. Today Gillian and I went and saw "Prom" which was cute and made me cry, partly because it was too real and partly because it wasn't real at all and I hate how movies still subscribe to the whole imagined reality of high school and the way it should be.  Then we went to the bookstore and bought Mom's mother's day present.

3. I'm done with my AP tests now and nearly done with high school and even though I've been waiting for this for so long it's making me kind of sad and I don't even know what else to say about this.

4. I've been crying a lot lately.  Like in English class while watching a movie that I don't understand because of a young Johnny Depp and a baby Leo DiCaprio and I have this infinite fixation with time and sometimes I'm reading something and the words describe my thoughts better than I can and in those moments I always wish I have paper and a pen or maybe just a pen because I have a whole arm to write on.

5. I should go to sleep because it's getting late and I have things to do, or at least I should pretend I have things to do because other wise I won't do anything.