You pore your heart out but you never do see you never do see me

You pore your heart out but you never do see you never do see me

Thing One:  When chocolate starts to taste like pennies, which is the same taste you get in your mouth before you throw up, only you know you're not going to throw up, it's just that somehow your chocolate is tasting like pennies.

Thing Two:  Being asked by your econ teacher to take the attendance up to the office on the way to the computer lab; arriving at the computer lab to discover that the class can't get in because the door is locked; talking about colleges with people you don't really know because it seems that college is the only thing that anyone can talk about right now.

Thing Three:  Realizing you need a notebook for English class and then realizing that you have $20 in your wallet and a drivers license and a car with amazing mileage and a gas tank that seems to never need to be filled; going to Target to buy a notebook and using the 10-items-or-less checkout and then feeling awkward when you're handed your change.

Thing Four:  Being force-fed compliments that you don't want to hear; accepting that you're not going to get to see Deathly Hallows at midnight like you've been dreaming since you were eleven years old and your Hogwarts letter didn't come in the mail; still dreaming about winter formal dresses despite knowing that you won't be going; knowing that your friend will be going because she somehow suddenly has a boyfriend that you're not sure if you're supposed to talk about so you haven't mentioned it to anyone yet.

Thing Five:  Benedict Cumberbatch.  Martin Freeman.  Benedict Cumberbatch.  Martin Freeman.

Thing Six:  The night before a math test that you think you're ready for, but you always think you're ready and you never do well; everyone in the world who isn't your mom and doesn't understand that you just can't do math; your bitchy first period teacher who thinks football games at her alma mater are more important than coming to school; feeling like there's nowhere worse to be than second period when a certain someone just won't shut up about something that no one else cares about; the semicolon.

Thing Seven:  The collection of broken pencils and dead pens on your desk that seems to just keep growing bigger and bigger and bigger; the bottle of hand sanitizer you've had since the swine flu outbreak a zillion years ago that smells even worse now than it did then; wondering if it bugs anyone that you blog like this and then deciding that it doesn't matter anyway.

Thing Eight:  Listening to Michelle Branch; thinking about how the music you loved when you were ten years old is even better now, and much more relevant to your life; that deep-seeded secret love you have for country music and the stories it tells that you'll never tell anyone about; wondering why celebrity hair always looks so much better than non-celebrity hair.

Thing Nine:  Constantly wondering who the woman on the cover of the AP European History textbook is rather than actually doing the chapter 21 packet because it's nineteen pages long and it scares you and you hate the way your writing looks until after you've filled up a whole page.

Thing Ten:  Tabula Rasa when it comes to thinking of a Thing Ten; John Locke and his funny hair; everyone and their funny hair; your frizzy hair; thoughts of school; thoughts of graduation; thoughts of anything but now, tomorrow, next week.   

Feels like I'm starting again, the last three years were just pretend

Feels like I'm starting again, the last three years were just pretend

Either I've failed my NaNoWriMo novel, or it's failed me, but in any case I think I'm putting it to rest, because as much as I enjoy writing just for the sake of writing, my plot was sloppy and stupid and sappy and in all honesty, I don't know that I'm ever going to like anything that I write as much as I do what I started last November. 

But that will go nowhere too, because I have this huge difficulty balancing my desire to reconcile who I am with how others see me and my desire to reconcile who I am with how I see myself.  So as a result of that, everything I write has some facet of myself in it, just like I find a bit of myself in every novel or play or poem that I read, and so because of that I don't share what I write with anyone.  But I think that's okay, at least for right now.  I'm not afraid of disapproval really, or of criticism, but of misunderstanding, maybe.

I drove to the SAT today.  And then I drove home.  And later I drove to Target to drop off a roll of film, and then I drove home again.  I've loaded four cds into my car and set up my XM presets, and I have my car tissue box and my sunglasses in the cupholder and I guess it just all feels very permanent.  Freeing, and permanent.    

I remember stormy weather the way the sky looks when it's cold

I remember stormy weather the way the sky looks when it's cold

"... I believe that if you can lie about something little, you can lie about something big."
"... I don't want to spend my life wallowing in self-pity and I don't want to spend my life being insecure."
"I feel like there are all these rules that have been set up by society - and I find it really fun to break all of them."
"Life doesn't have to be cookie-cutter perfect, neither does your style, your makeup, your clothes - nothing has to be 'perfect.' ... I really would love if what I'm doing was ... also more of a youth movement for really accepting who you are unapologetically and really loving yourself for every imperfection."

Apparently Ke$ha and I have the same philosophy.  But she's better at upholding it.

Please don't drive me home tonight

Please don't drive me home tonight

This is the kind of day that makes me wish I had a giant sweater.  I want to put on my giant sweater and ride the train off to Hogwarts, where I will drink hot chocolate because butter beer sounds gross and watch the snow fall.  I'm sure at Hogwarts the weather is consistent and doesn't go from 90 degrees one day to overcast and raining the next.  Also at Hogwarts everyone is British.  Therefore, it is infinitely better than my school. 

So right now I'm sitting here, criss-cross-applesauce, in my pink star-print pajama pants, listening to Michelle Branch and feeling nostalgic for I don't know exactly what.  Can you be nostalgic for something that hasn't happened yet, something that might never happen?  I miss the way it feels to watch "10 Things I Hate About You" and spill popcorn all over the floor and fall asleep on top of my sleeping bag with the tv still on.  I miss looking forward to my 11th birthday and the letter I hoped would come by owl post.  I miss the feeling that things couldn't be any better.

Also, I really want to finish my fricking novel.  Stupid school/college apps/stress/etc.  

Who wants to be ordinary in a crazy mixed up world

Who wants to be ordinary in a crazy mixed up world

Lots of "The OC" = Good mood = Bad blog post.

Random questionaire.

[ ] i am a boy.
[x] i am a girl.
[x] i am shorter than 5’4.
[x] i think i’m ugly sometimes.
[ ] i have many scars.
[ ] i tan easily.
[x] i wish my hair was a different color.
[x] i have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[ ] i have a tattoo.
[x] i am self-conscious about my appearance.
[x] i wear glasses.
[ ] i would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free
[ ] i’ve been told i’m attractive by a complete stranger.
[x] i have more than 2 piercings.
[ ] i have piercing in places besides my ears.
[ ] i have freckles.

family/home life
[ ] i’ve sworn at my parents.
[ ] i’ve run away from home.
[ ] i’ve been kicked out of the house.
[ ] i have a sibling less than one year old.
[x] i want to have kids someday.
[ ] i’ve lost a child.

school/work
[x] i’m in school
[ ] i have a job
[ ] i’ve fallen asleep at work/school.
[x] i almost always do/did my homework.
[ ] i’ve missed a week or more of school.
[x] i’ve been on the honor roll within the last 2 years.
[ ] i failed more than 1 class last year.
[ ] i’ve stolen something from my job.

embarrassment
[  i’ve slipped out an “lol” in a spoken conversation.
[x] disney movies still make me cry.
[ ] i’ve peed from laughing.
[ ] i’ve snorted while laughing.
[x] i’ve laughed so hard i’ve cried.
[ ] i’ve glued my hand to something.
[ ] i’ve had my pants rip in public.

health
[ ] i was born with a disease/impairment
[ ] i’ve gotten stitches/staples.
[ ] i’ve broken a bone.
[ ] i’ve had my tonsils removed.
[ ] i’ve sat in a doctor’s office/emergency room with a friend.
[x] i’ve had my wisdom teeth removed.
[ ] i had a serious surgery.
[x] i’ve had chicken pox.
[ ] i’ve had measles

traveling
[x] i’ve driven over 200 miles in one day
[x] i’ve been on a plane.
[ ] i’ve been to canada.
[ ] i’ve been to mexico
[ ] i’ve been to niagara falls.
[ ] i’ve been to japan.
[ ] i’ve celebrated mardi gras in new orleans.
[x] i’ve been to europe.
[ ] i’ve been to africa.

experiences
[ ] i’ve gotten lost in my city.
[ ] i’ve seen a shooting star.
[ ] i’ve wished on a shooting star
[ ] i’ve seen a meteor shower.
[x] i’ve gone out in public in my pajamas.
[ ] i’ve pushed all the buttons on an elevator.
[ ] i’ve kicked a guy where it hurts.
[x] i’ve been to a casino.
[ ] i’ve been skydiving.
[ ] i’ve gone skinny dipping.
[x] i’ve played spin the bottle.
[ ]  i’ve drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.
[ ] i’ve crashed a car.
[ ] i’ve been skiing.
[x] i’ve been in a play.
[ ] i’ve met someone in person from myspace.
[ ] i’ve caught a snowflake on my tongue.
[ ] i’ve seen the northern lights.
[ ] i’ve sat on a roof top at night.
[ ] i’ve played chicken.
[ ] i’ve played a prank on someone
[x] i’ve ridden in a taxi.
[x] i’ve seen the rocky horror picture show.
[x] i’ve eaten sushi.
[ ] i’ve been snowboarding.

relationships
[x] i’m single
[ ] i’m in a relationship
[ ] i’m engaged.
[ ] i’m married.
[ ] i’ve gone on a blind date.
[ ] i’ve been the dumped more than the dumper.
[x] i miss someone right now.
[ ] i have a fear of abandonment.
[ ] i’ve gotten divorced.
[x] i’ve had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back.
[ ] i’ve told someone i loved them when i didn’t.
[ ] i’ve told someone i didn’t love them when i did.
[ ] i’ve kept something from a past relationship.
[ ] i’ve had a crush on someone of the same sex.
[ ] i’ve had a crush on a teacher.
[x] i am a cuddler.
[ ] i’ve been kissed in the rain.
[x] i’ve hugged a stranger.
[ ] i have kissed a stranger.

honesty/crime
[x] i’ve done something i promised someone else i wouldn’t.
[x] i’ve done something i promised myself i wouldn’t.
[ ] i’ve snuck out of my house.
[ ] i have lied to my parents about where i am
[x] i am keeping a secret from the world.
[x] i’ve cheated while playing a game.
[ ] i’ve cheated on a test.
[ ] i’ve run a red light.
[ ] i’ve been suspended from school.
[ ] i’ve witnessed a crime.
[ ] i’ve been in a fist fight.
[ ] i’ve been arrested.

drugs/alcohol
[ ] i’ve consumed alcohol.
[ ] i regularly drink.
[ ] i’ve passed out from drinking.
[ ] i have passed out drunk at least once in the past 6 months.
[ ] i’ve smoked weed
[ ] i’ve taken painkillers when i didn’t need them.
[ ] i’ve eaten shrooms.
[ ] i’ve popped e.
[ ] i’ve inhaled nitrous.
[ ] i’ve done hard drugs.
[ ] i have cough drops when i’m not sick.
[ ] i can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem.
[ ] i have been diagnosed with clinical depression.
[ ] i have been diagnosed with one or more anxiety disorder.
[ ] i shut others out when i’m depressed.
[ ] i take anti-depressants.
[ ] i have been anorexic or bulimic.
[ ] i’ve slept an entire day when i didn’t need it.
[ ] i’ve hurt myself on purpose.
[ ] i’ve woken up crying.

death and suicide
[x] i’m afraid of dying.
[x] i hate funerals.
[ ] i’ve seen someone dying.
[ ] someone close to me has committed suicide.
[ ] i’ve planned my own suicide
[ ] i’ve attempted suicide.
[x] i’ve written a eulogy for myself.

materialism
[ ] i own over 5 rap cds.
[x] i own an ipod or mp3 player.
[ ] i have an unhealthy obsession with anime/manga.
[ ] i own multiple designer purses, costing over $100 a piece.
[x] i own something from hot topic.
[x] i own something from pac sun.
[ ] i collect comic books.
[x] i own something from the gap.
[ ] i own something i got on e-bay.
[ ] i own something from abercrombie.

random
[ ] i can sing well.
[ ] i’ve stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant.
[ ] i open up to others easily.
[x] i watch the news.
[ ] i don’t kill bugs.
[x] i hate hearing songs that sacrifice meaning for the sake of being able to rhyme.
[ ] i curse regularly.
[x] i sing in the shower.
[ ] i am a morning person.
[ ] i paid for my cell phone ring tone.
[x] i’m a snob about grammar.
[ ] i am a sports fanatic.
[ ] i twirl my hair
[ ] i have “x”s in my screen name.
[x] i love being neat.
[ ] i love spam.
[ ] i’ve copied more than 30 cd’s in a day
[ ] i bake well.
[ ] my favorite color is either white, yellow, pink, red or blue
[x] i’ve worn pajamas to school.
[ ] i like martha stewart.
[ ] i know how to shoot a gun
[x] i am in love with love.
[x] i am guilty of typing like this.
[x] i laugh at my own jokes.
[x] i eat fast food weekly.
[ ] i believe in ghosts.
[ ] i am online 24/7, even as an away message.
[ ] i’ve not turned anything in and still got an a in a certain class.
[ ] i can’t sleep if there is a spider in the room.
[x] i am really ticklish.
[ ] i like white chocolate
[x] i bite my nails.
[ ] i play video games.
[x] i’m good at remembering names.
[ ] i’m good at remembering dates.
[ ] i have no idea what i want to do for the rest of my life