Who's the boy you like the most

Who's the boy you like the most

I've just finished season 4 of "Psych" and there's this re-occuring serial killer and season 3 ended with an episode about the serial killer, and so season 4 does as well, and so does season 5.  But I haven't watched season 5 yet, and so they haven't caught the Yin to the Yang and so I'm sitting here feeling like I'm being watched, because this is how I always feel after I watch something creepy.  This is the feeling that keeps me up at night.  And the only way I've figured out how to overcome it is to stay up so late that I get a headache and my eyes hurt and I practically fall asleep sitting up.

So really I should watch a stupid romcom on Netflix and put on my pajamas and I'm going to go do that.  Right after I find something to title this post with.  And then maybe later when I can't sleep I'll write down all my thoughts on "Never Let Me Go" and the television archetype relationship of two characters who are perfect for each other but can't be together because of a, b, and c, and also I might make a list of all the books I want to read before I leave for school.

Spit out your lies and chewing gum

Spit out your lies and chewing gum

I keep starting posts and not writing them and coming back to them and staring at the song lyrics I've put into the titles and not writing anything and now I'm back here again thinking that maybe I can't blog because as much as everything seems to suck right now and most of the time I know that it actually doesn't. I've made it a priority over the past year, as horrible as this sounds, to fill my life with things that make me happy and things that don't stress me out and to get rid of things that don't those fit qualifications. Today my sun-shaped 10-happy-things-a-day calendar had "new episodes of your favorite TV shows" on it and also "pretzel sticks" and I love both my favorite TV shows and pretzel sticks because they're unexpected.

I'm sitting here listening to "Be Here Now" by Ray LaMontagne and my dash is filled with pictures of Paris, which is my future home, at least I keep telling people it is in the hope that that will make it truer, and when I'm there I'll call Ray the Mountain. In two weeks I'll be out of my least favorite class and in half a year I'll be somewhere new where people maybe will consider that right and wrong aren't black and white.

This morning Gilly and I were driving to school and I said, "I hope they play P!nk this morning" and then the current song ended and my new favorite P!nk song came on, which I think is confirmation that I'm psychic and can occasionally control the radio, and that sometimes things happen just because they really really need to. I can't organize my thoughts right now and I seem to have ended my love affair with the comma but I guess it's good that I have thoughts to put down in the first place. I've been writing a lot lately, knock on wood and bite my tongue, and none of it makes any sense or means anything but it's fun and it helps me sleep better.

Tomorrow'll say if you're lost and found

Tomorrow'll say if you're lost and found

Tonight I wasted two hours of my life watching "Iron Man 2" with my parents when what I really wanted to be watching was "Remember Me", which I know has Robert Pattinson in it, but I want to see it anyway because I think he's either really underrated or really overrated, and I think he's just been handed crap parts, and I want to judge him for myself.  But my dad decided to come to Blockbuster with me because he was afraid I'd get lost driving through my neighborhood in the dark (which I suppose is a valid argument) and so we ended up with "Iron Man 2" in addition to my RPattz film, which I will hopefully be able to watch tomorrow night.

But anyhow, now I'm listening to Phoenix and repeatedly refreshing tumblr, and it's just like every other night, because I rarely go anywhere and I rarely do anything, but I guess that's my choice.  I've been thinking today about how one of my friendships is changing a lot lately - or I guess all of them are but I was thinking about this one in particular - because of who I've decided I want to be, and how that doesn't fit in with who she wants to be.  I'm happy with who I am, I think, and I'm happy with how I uphold my morals, but I still can't help but feel like I'm missing out, not just on all that typical cliche teenage stuff, but on having a best friend.  

So I guess what I feel like I don't have in my life right now, other than an A in math class, is someone to tell my thoughts to - and my someone I mean someone who isn't my blog or one of my notebooks and by thoughts I mean that I think I've got another pointless crush and I really want to watch "Remember Me."  

From a mess to the masses

From a mess to the masses

I am again blogging on my iPod while sitting in bed at nearly 11 pm at night, which first of all signifies that I am not sleeping, and also that I am feeling a bit stressed out. I have two crappy common app essays and two crappy UC app essays that all need to be turned into brilliance that will outshine the blinding C on last year's report card. And I have a math quiz tomorrow that will hopefully bring my 88 up to at least an 89, which should be an A-, and after spending 45 minutes of my evening (time that I could have spent reading the Virginia Woolf novel that is the subject of an in-class essay I have to write next week) teaching Michael how to do the word problems that we've spent a week and a half in class working on and going over, and over, and over.

My patience is stretching thin lately - my patience with school and my friends and this stupid tiny keyboard and my sister and this really stupid tiny keyboard - and I'm suddenly addicted to "Veronica Mars". I actually told my mom last night that I don't want to walk in graduation, and as soon as I said it I realized how true it is. I just want to be done. I want to be done and I want to leave and go away and forget everyone who broke my heart over and over. But she said I have to walk for my grandparents. I hope they're proud when they see me in my ridiculous red robe tripping through a foreign football field with 850 of my closest friends. That's all it is, really, high school in general - just for show.

Although I can't help but hope that one day when I'm old and overworked and bitter (moreso than I am now, I mean), I won't regret not doing anything about feeling so trapped, about feeling like I'm wasting my time but not doing anything about it. At least there are positive post-its. Knowing there are girls out there who are considerate enough to make them makes me feel a little less alone, a little less ashamed of my generation. And isn't that the point?

Did you cut your hair did you change anything

Did you cut your hair did you change anything

I keep trying to return to that mental place from which I can write long, introspective, boring blog posts full of run-ons and fragments, because I think that's where a decent sappy-but-intelligent-and-witty college app essay is going to come from, but I can't get there because, maybe, all that stems from a combination of friends-or-lack-thereof and "The OC" and exhaustion, and right now I only seem to be able to have one of those things in my life at a time.  The rest of my head is filled with stress and self-doubt as everyone posts their grades on facebook and college app deadlines loom closer and the weather just keeps getting worse and worse.

That's what I'm blaming this current funk - exhaustion, boredom, etc. - on:  the weather.  But I don't know if that's actually the cause.  Maybe this is just premature senioritis, because as much as I like BGMetc., I just can't wait to be out of here, away from kids named after rock stars (who does that??) and people who judge me prematurely because I like to read or ask questions in math class.  And besides all that I just really effing want to be Rachel Bilson.

 

Better than it looks better than it looks

Better than it looks better than it looks

I am in this non-blogging unhappy bored funk right now, and I think that - boredom - is the key to it.  My classes are boring, and I have very little homework, so that's boring, and everything else I could be doing - college apps, application essays, sleeping, etc. - is boring.  So in the past week in which I was not blogging, I was adding thousands of words to my nanowrimo novel of crap (which is in need of some fresh eyes that I can't give it), watching "Leverage", and trying to help my sister with her math homework but falling asleep on her bed instead. 

I really hope I'm not getting sick.  I think this is just a post-nap, boredom-induced, French-test-tomorrow sort of headache.  At least, I hope it is.

All alone in the main hall

All alone in the main hall

Things I like right now:
1. The bearded hipster dancing awkwardly next to me last night while wearing a turtleneck sweater. I want one of my own to take me to concerts and be awkward and such.
2. Rory/Jess shippers who imagine them to be living happily ever in a loft in New York city, where he's an accomplished novelist and she's a famous journalist and they have little lit nerd kids.
3. "The rich and powerful take what they want.  We steal it back for you."
4. Not Mondays.
5. Rachel Bilson's entire wardrobe.

Sometimes in the fall, fall, fall, fall

Sometimes in the fall, fall, fall, fall

Today I went to school.  Then I bought new pants.  Then I did the very little homework that I had.  That is all.  God, I'm a boring person.

I'm losing my balance on the tightrope

I'm losing my balance on the tightrope

Today I feel like... I have no idea.  I just don't want to go to school tomorrow.  I don't want to write college application essays and I don't want to make life-changing decisions and I don't want to buy new jeans even though I kind of need them.

Things I do want:  to be Rachel Bilson, to drop economics and photgraphy, to buy lots of pretty dresses, to see my cousins, to watch hours and hours of "Leverage" without stopping, to bake snickerdoodles, to write something new, to actually have something new to write about, for something to happen. 

The more I think about it the less I do control

The more I think about it the less I do control

As much as I like to pretend that I hate everyone and everything, sometimes it all just kind of collapses inside my head and inverts and all I can think is that my misery, although that word doesn't seem right, is my own fault.   I keep telling myself that if I don't like something in my life, I'm just going to change it.  But it's really not that simple, and as soon as I think about that, about how stuck I am, everything sort of collapses underneath me and all I can do is scrawl it out in blog posts and attempt to ignore the recurring thought that maybe what I'm most unhappy with is me.

And then we start the end

And then we start the end

Day 2 - Your crush

I don't have one of these right now, and I have thought of several possible reasons why:  (1) I have impossibly high standards, (2) I have accepted the fact that crushes are pointless because I'm antisocial and never actually talk to anyone anyway, (3) I am in love with Seth Cohen, and (4) I am a very boring person.  Also there is the possibility that all of this possibilities are true. 

As to why I took several days off from blogging:  I have been contemplating titles for my yet-to-be-written application essay/s, nearly dying of cramps, attending Rosh Hashana services, teaching people how to spell, pretending I am going on a canoeing trip, and going through my shoes. 

God, I can't wait to graduate. 

Wear your real eyes

Wear your real eyes

I put the real blog post at the end of the survey just to annoy you, and my future self.  

Spell your name with songs.
N - New Shoes, Paolo Nutini
A - Absolutely (Story of a Girl), Nine Days
T - Tangled Up in Me, Skye Sweetnam
A - Always Where I Need to Be, The Kooks
S - She Is, The Fray
H - Hey Now, Augustana
A - Around the Bend, Greg Laswell

HONESTY SECTION
2. Honestly, whats on your mind?  Survey shower pie sleep.
3. Honestly, what are you doing right now? Watching the gmail window flash "Michael says..."
6. Honestly, have you done something bad today? No.
8. Honestly, who is the last person you talked to on the phone? Uh.
9. Honestly, are you jealous of someone right now? No.
10. Honestly, what makes you mad most of the time? Well.
11. Honestly, do you bite your nails? Yes.
12. Honestly, have you had an eating disorder? No.
13. Honestly, do you want to see someone this very moment? Yes.
14. Honestly, are you keeping a big secret now? Secrets cause more trouble than they're worth.  Evasive answer.
15. Honestly, do you have a friend you don’t actually like? Story of my life.  I hate that expression.
17. Honestly, are you in denial? Not that I'm aware of.
18. Honestly, do you get up in the middle of the night and eat? No.  Do people do that?
19. Honestly, do you like anyone? I suppose.
20. Honestly, does anyone like you? I have no idea.

I deleted all the stupid parts of that survey.  But it was already misnumbered. 

Today my mom, my dad, and I had dinner - takeout Marie Callendar's - together.  My sister was at religious school, so her seat at the table was empty, but honestly I don't know how much of a difference that made.  It was like dinner is every night - totally silent unless I make an effort to talk about something, or my mom brings something up that involves my father's input and he shushes her because he cares about what's on tv.  But tonight "House Hunters" was on, and he can't make a case for needing quiet while watching that.  Anyhow, it's just such a strange environment.  Sometimes I think my parents are way too involved in my life - and other times I just want them to want to hear what I have to say.

Which these days, doesn't seem to be a lot.  Although - this is sort of irrelevant - I've realized that I study best when I teach something to someone else.  The more I talk about Impressionist art, the better I know it.  When I ask my mom for help with my math homework and end up teaching her how to do it, I understand it better myself.  Too bad there aren't people who want to sit around and listen to me talk about US and art history all day.  Maybe I should make an educational video series called, "attempt to pay attention to Natasha as she rambles about stuff no one but she cares about!"  The first video will be on Monet, cause he's my favorite, and then I'll move on to German Expressionism, and then Neo-Classical and such because I don't like it very much.   

I wish I could doodle cute doodles.  Maybe this summer I'll teach myself calligraphy... along with guitar and exercising and disposable camera photography and the lineage of Queen Elizabeth I.  Wow, it's almost summer.  Almost my birthday.  Almost senior year.  Those were out of order.   

I was in an English classroom for the SAT II on Saturday and the teacher had a poster of the Elizabeth's lineage on the wall.  Maybe I'll have one of my own someday.

Note to self:  wear a sweater tomorrow.  Even if it's 80 degrees outside.  You're always freezing, remember?   

She's been building up a castle

She's been building up a castle

My friends are absolutely gorgeous.

Every single one of them.

So sentimental, not sentimental, no

So sentimental, not sentimental, no

First:  I'm really proud of the amount of homework that I got done today.  But even though I worked all day - I know that I still have so much more to do.  I suggested to my mom this morning that maybe I just shouldn't do one of my history outlines, and she didn't understand.  She literally couldn't understand what I meant by that.  Not doing one piece of homework is not even an option for her.  But I don't know how I'm going to finish all of it.

Second:  I talked to my dad for a while at dinner tonight.  Despite giving really bad advice, he actually gives really good advice.  He offered me a whole new perspective, and while I don't agree with everything he said - it was sort of refreshing to talk to someone who's so emotionally detached from my life.

Third:
    

Fourth:  I don't write this for you.  I hope you understand that. 

Farewell well well well well well well till you know me well

Farewell well well well well well well till you know me well

Things I will never be, despite what movies, my parents, school teachers, children's books, and warning labels tell me:
- a drug addict
- president of the United States
- a blonde
- working at McDonald's
- a member of the National Guard
- the owner of a motorcycle
- singing and dancing on Broadway
- a mother of triplets
- prom queen
- a WoW master
- a follower of Jesus Christ
- an A+ student
- a person who pirates movies
- a prison inmate
- a hairdresser
- the writer of the next Great American Novel
- the kind of person who can wear two different color socks and not care
- someone's mistress
- living in New York City
- the girlfriend of a sex god
- a lover of horror films
- a girl who gives cookies to mice
- someone who wears contacts
- a taxi driver
- a fan of Monday mornings
- an Edward Cullen fangirl
- fluent in Shakespearean language
- a quidditch player
- a student of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
- tall
- like you
- the model for an action figure
- finished with this list.