And I don't know why

And I don't know why

There's this poster of Mark Twain on the wall in my English class and from my seat I can see him staring at me out of the corners of his eyes.  Sometimes he looks angry and sometimes he looks like Dumbledore and sometimes, a lot of the time, he's looking at me like what I'm doing isn't really what I should be doing.  I've had a very strange week and things are changing and it's really bizarre to know that things are changing and to watch them change and be totally unresistant to it as opposed to looking back at how things have changed after the fact and regretting it. 

My new classes are strange and I don't think I like them but I'm not really sure yet, and I really want to graduate already, but that's not anything new.  I'm starting to get to this point of almost panic about next year, about being disappointed and so I'm trying to set myself up mentally for not getting everything that I want, because I know the chances and I know they're not great.  But there's still a part of me, a part that'll always be there, I guess, that still has faith that everything will work out perfectly exactly the way I want it.  That's a silly way to think, but I can't help but wonder how things would be if I didn't think that way once in a while.

Well I'm afraid I'm not gonna give you back any of those kilojules

Well I'm afraid I'm not gonna give you back any of those kilojules

Something needs to change.  I'm ready for something to change.  Funny, isn't it?  I am change's biggest enemy.  And yet.

All this time I've been misled

All this time I've been misled

Every time I get my hair cut I think it's going to be some huge transition, some major step toward breaking down this wall that I know I've been hiding behind since 8th grade, maybe before then.  I always feel like my hair's this shield, that I'm hiding behind it, that if I cut it off things will just suddenly change.  But of course that's ridiculous.  My hair isn't a shield or a wall or a safety blanket - it's just a pain in the ass.  And it's not even that long.

I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow, and I know that it isn't going to do anything for my self-confidence.  But every few months I get this itchy feeling, when my hair's too long and the ends are split and I'm just ready for a change.  So goodbye, dream of gorgeous long braid-able hippie hair.  You're not even real, anyway.  Celebrities only achieve you with hair extensions and hours with stylists and lots and lots of curling irons and blow dryers.  Hair like that in real life is not possible.  At least not for people with Jewish genes and little patience and hair that reacts negatively to humidity.

And again, I have this horrible tendency to overreact.  I'm only cutting four or five inches.  It'll grow back.  I really need to get rid of this aversion to change - maybe it's part of the wall, the Franklin the Turtle shell I've been living in for a while now.  Yet I feel like changing my blog layout again.  I'm one big ridiculous contradiction, aren't I?

Lying in your attic

Lying in your attic

My unconventionally summery playlist:

1. "Madly", Tristan Prettyman
2. "Zorbing", Stornoway
3. "Mr. Therapy Man", Justin Nozuka
4. "The Man Who Can't Be Moved", The Script
5. "Straw Dog", Something Corporate
6. "Love Lost", The Temper Trap
7. "On My Way Back Home", Band of Horses
8. "August", Julia Nunes
9. "Used to Be", Beach House
10. "This Is the New Year", Ian Axel
11. "Demons", Guster
12. "Pocket Change", Josh Domigo
13. "Miss California", Jack's Mannequin
14. "(If You're Wondering If I Want You To) I Want You To", Weezer
15. "Make Me Wanna Die", The Pretty Reckless
16. "Black Tables", Other Lives
17. "The Guy That Says Goodbye to You Is Out of His Mind", Griffin House

I am so, so glad that it's finally summer, even though I spent today watching "The OC" and "Friday Night Lights" and making jewelry and spilling tomato soup on my dog.  I've made plans for Monday to watch the second installment of "The Lord of The Rings" with Alison because it's a requirement for life, or so she seems to be implying, and my sister's leaving Saturday for five days, and then when she gets back she's leaving for another three weeks, so it's going to be me and my mom most of the time, which means lots of shopping trips and driving lessons and such.

When I visited the Louvre, I saw the Winged Victory of Samothrace, and I was completely amazed at how huge it was.  I spent nearly ten minutes just walking around it, looking up at it, imagining the feat that it must have been to have carved it.  That was such an amazing feeling - feeling small and insignificant but still part of this world, part of this world and its people that but their efforts towards things that are so grand and magnificent and everlasting.

I am looking forward to the future.  I'm going to use this summer to move on, to cleanse my life of the parts of it that I don't like.  The past is past, and there's nothing I can do about it right now.  I want to be one of those that leaves something everlasting behind for the world to enjoy - an Athenian, or so they say.