In some forgotten space where the envy and the hate swim around in figure eights

In some forgotten space where the envy and the hate swim around in figure eights

I think I'm getting sick and I feel absolutely dreadful, which I just wrote in a British accent, in case you couldn't tale.  I'm done with gen 1 of "Skins" and it's breaking my heart because Cassie ran away to New York and Chris' dad won't let his friends come to the funeral but they crashed it and Sid followed Cass to New York and isn't it funny that two of my favorite characters ever are named Sidney?

I just rewatched the finale of "The OC" and it made me so happy even though I feel ridiculous, and it made me sad too but not as sad as "Skins" did, and tomorrow I'm painting my nails and getting my hair cut and hopefully going to formal, unless I wake up feeling like I'm dying, but I really hope that doesn't happen because I really love my dress.  Today I drove home alone and sang along to "Who Owns My Heart", which my sister doesn't let me do because she hates Miley, which I think is due more to a lack of exposure than actual hate, which bothers me because I think you have to experience something to really have an opinion about it.  But anyhow it made me happy despite feeling gross and all this stupid stress and the apps I still have to finish and everything else. I hate when people ask me to defend the things that make me happy.   

I should go to sleep now because I don't think I've made any sense and I all I've done is fall in love with Sidneys and use a lot of commas.  I do like commas but only sometimes not always.

First you tell me not to fret

First you tell me not to fret

I have goals.  Sorta.

1. No drama.  I am not repeating junior year... or freshman or sophomore year.  I am keeping my nose out of everyone's business and keeping my mouth shut and avoiding every possible crappy situation.

2. I will get straight A's.  Meaning I will actually study math.  Gross.

That's really it, actually.  I want senior year to be a good one... meaning I'm going to do what I want and not do things I don't want to do just to make other people happy (as in, I am not going to football games or basketball games because I hate them) and I'm going to manage my time so I can still watch the shows I want to watch and write when I want to and I'm not going to procrastinate (heheh).

I feel like in the last six or seven months or so I've realized who I am, or at least part of who I am.  And, as cheesy as it sounds, I want to stay true to that, because that's what makes me happy.  I think happiness is really undervalued.  Or maybe making oneself happy is.

Oh, also, I'm going to get in to college.  I'M GOING TO GET INTO COLLEGE.  Mantra?  Yeahhhh. 

It'll fall just like you said

It'll fall just like you said

I am in this very strange good mood right now and I'm going to try to preserve it by ignoring All the King's Men and instead focusing on "Covert Affairs", which I'm pretty sure is the reason for this good mood, and "Love Is A Drum" by Jack Skuller, which I heard in Nordstrom today and may never be able to get out of my head.  Or maybe the reason is that I went shopping today and bought some cute tops and new bras, which, like haircuts, feel extremely significant and important to me despite being totally not significant or important at all.

Haircuts and new bras and new songs and new things to put on my wall - maybe it's because I associate objects (not bras obviously) with certain people or events or feelings, and then something bad happens and I feel like a change, and a change is more like a lot of change.  I have this weird interest in reinventing myself - or maybe not myself specifically, but just in that skill, that ability to pose as someone else or change your outlook or mindset or redo your entire life so quickly.  I guess that's connected to emotional attachment, or lack thereof, which is something that I have a lot of (of which I have a lot) in comparison to, say, Jason Bourne, or something.  I'm not even sure what I'm saying anymore.  I think when I'm in a good mood my sentences get wordier.  Use more words.

Give it up for short-term memory

Give it up for short-term memory

Sometimes I wonder about the kind of people who talk just to talk, who speak just to hear their own voices.  Sometimes I think about changing the world, about saving my words for when they can make the most impact, about misusing commas and colons and conjunctions.  Sometimes I want to fade away like Alaska or JD Salinger or a one-hit wonder, unnoticed but never forgotten, eventually left to rest, undisturbed but still never forgotten.