Fighting dragons with you

Fighting dragons with you

I tend to measure how much things have changed based on past blog posts and old photographs and who came to my last birthday party.  I think maybe (actually I think probably for sure) that my aloneness is self-imposed.  But I don't think my loneliness is - I'm pretty sure they're not the same thing - because I feel it in the pit of my stomach even when I'm surrounded by people.  I've never really bought much into psychology but all I do is psychoanalyze myself and other people and wonder if it's really all got biological roots, genetic dispositions, things that I don't really understand and are maybe just used to excuse how much hurt we cause ourselves. 

There are only four more school days left plus Knott's and graduation and as of last Tuesday there were nine days left and I can't understand why she had to drag this out again because now I can't stop thinking about it.  Only two people have asked me about it and I can't decide if that's good or bad because a part of me is wondering who else saw and what they think and then a part of me is like, who cares what they think?  And there I am again, trying to explain other people to myself, thinking that maybe instead of talking it to death when it first happened like I did she buried it deep down and denied that anything was wrong and now suddenly she's realized that things can't be fixed and it's all exploded out of her and she didn't realize the affects of her actions despite the R U Cyber Smart education we've all now been given.  At least that's what I want to believe, that she didn't set out to hurt me knowing that I'd see it.  Is that naive?  I'm not sure if I care.

I couldn't sleep last night, or the night before.  Next week I can sleep all day if I want to.  Somehow that's comforting, that idea.