Another moment is a moment away

Another moment is a moment away

I've gotten it into my head that you have to have goals for long-term happiness but you have to have short-term happiness too because if you don't then the only thing you've got is that one thing that you want, that you need, that you're working toward, but there's always the possibility that you won't get it, and then where will you be?  Short-term happiness is Ke$ha concerts and favorite songs and reading a book for the first time and Van Gogh paintings and writing words I can't get out of my head on my fingers during class.  It's not like me to be stress-free but I'm trying so hard to be less anxious, because even though in the moment nothing matters more than whatever matters the most, in the long run, in the end whenever the end is, it won't matter at all. 

School starts again tomorrow and I know this feeling is only temporary because I definitely didn't feel like this two days ago when I was awake at one am feeling like everything was falling apart but I'm going to try to hold onto it and I guess I have this idea that I can be who I want to be if I want it enough and I don't need validation from anyone else to do what I want to do or be who I want to be.  I have all these role models and I admire them because they're individuals but I can't help but wonder if I can have role models and heroes and idols and still be an individual. 

And sometimes I feel like there's nothing new to feel, like how can I be an individual if everything's already been thought and said and done by someone else before me?  I have this fascination with song lyrics and words that aren't my own and how can words really be someone's anyway?  Every time I write a blog post I listen to three or four or dozens of songs before I hear the write words for the title, and sometimes I stare at the blinking cursor for ten minutes before I can put the words in my mind into the right order and type them and then do they become my words?  It's so bizarre, the idea of possession, how we have to give everything ownership, because otherwise it's uncomfortable and unstable and doesn't feel right. 

I'm just rambling again and I'm trying to forget that there's school tomorrow and that I'm going to have to drive my car even though I haven't driven it in more than a week and I really like conjunctions today.