Braced myself for the goodbye

Braced myself for the goodbye

I just finished season one of "Leverage", which is not an overly emotional or dramatic or heart-wrenching show, but somehow I manage to connect with it, just like I connect with everything I watch, no matter how crappy it is, without fail.  I really do wonder if this - this being too emotional with everything all the time - is just a teenage girl thing, or if it's a permanent condition, if it's just the way I am and have always been and always will be. 

Today was dull and tomorrow will be as well.  But it's kind of a refreshing dullness, the sort that's free of stress and drama and excessive homework.  I almost feel like with the way this year has started out, I'm going to have pushed everyone away by graduation - not on purpose really, but just by doing my own thing, by not pushing for everyone to hang out like I have in the past.  Or maybe it's subconsciously on purpose, part of this desire to leave here next year with as little ties as possible. 

But the thing that I think is the main thing - the thing that I have a lot of trouble explaining - is that I have trouble making friendships mean something to me.  I have trouble letting myself be open with others.  I feel like high school, the whole environment, has coached me and everyone else to accept that everything's transient and nothing's ever permanent, nothing's going to last forever because these four years are just a stop on the way to somewhere else.  I guess I don't want to think that way but I do, I can't help it, and despite movies like "Now and Then" I doubt that the people I know now will be the ones at my wedding in however many years. 

I guess... everyone's changing so much, and we're going to continue to change, and relationships, friendships don't always, can't always, change too.  That's why I don't put a lot of stock in love in high school.  That's what college is for, I guess - finding yourself and finding love or not and fully becoming the person you want to be.