This is a song for the ones who feel betrayed

This is a song for the ones who feel betrayed

Right now I'm drinking raspberry tea out of a mug I painted myself a year or two ago, which is upsetting/disappointing for two reasons, the first one being that I never drink tea and am drinking it now because I have a sore throat that I'm afraid will develop into a cold, and the second reason being that the mug I painted as a high school student looks like it was painted by a seven year-old.  So basically I'm disappointed that I am susceptible to regular old things like colds and am therefore not superhuman, and I'm disappointed that my ceramic-painting skills have not approved despite the many pieces of useless ceramic I have painted during my lifetime.

Tomorrow I'm meeting with a college counselor to discuss my future, or lack thereof, I suppose, and I'm going to attempt to pretend that I want to get out of here because of reasons more substantial than just everything feels so impermanent, and that there are only between two and five people besides my family that I'm actually going to miss when I do leave.  And I'm going to keep telling myself that that's the way I want things, because in a way it is the way I want things, and I'm going to do my homework like a good little girl and get straight A's and go where I want to go, and at my twentieth high school reunion instead of reveling in the memories and sulking over how much weight my husband has gained, I'm going to thank God for those four years and all that they taught me, and then thank God that those four years were only four years.

But for now I'm this indecisive up-and-down what-the-hell-am-I-saying stream-of-consciousness misdirected I-don't-know-what, and tonight I bit off my nails watching tv, like I do nearly every week, because fake people's problems are much easier to think about and solve than my own.  For example:  my throat hurts, and I have no idea how to solve that, so I am going to bed.