I'm waiting for the enemy

I'm waiting for the enemy

I don't know how to put this into words, this feeling of absolute dread and terror and unhappiness and hatred and confusion and anger and bitterness and embarrassment and sadness and hurt.  I don't believe in best friends but all I want right now is someone to tell all of this to, someone who's not going to judge me or expect better from me or doubt me or question me or tell me that I'm wrong or say that everything's going to be okay.  I just don't know what to do any more, what to say, how to make this better.  I don't want to excuse myself anymore.  I don't want to say oh I'm just being over-dramatic, oh don't bother with me.  I don't want to deny myself what I want because that makes other people feel better.

I don't believe in best friends.  Because people judge you and people are opinionated and people can't just shut up and listen to what someone else has to say.  And I focus on faults and I mess things up and I can't keep good things going for long enough.  But you can make me laugh and with you none of the crap matters and thank you for that.  You don't know about this, about any of this - although I think you know more than you let on - and that's the way I like it.  You can't know, because I'm not comfortable.  Not in this house or in these clothes or in this school or with these friends.  Not even with you.  I wish you could fix that.  I wish someone, anyone can fix that.      

I want to get in a hot air balloon and fly away, up and away, far away from here and all this gossip and anger and frustration and talk of the future.  What about now?  What about the way I feel right now?  I guess it doesn't matter since I can't even describe it to myself.